It’s all interrelated, these destructive things I do. I latch on to people, like I’m collecting them. I’m always looking for a hero, you know? ― Jenna Brooks, An Early Frost
Mercifully, the volume of contacts has steadily decreased over the years, but my “reward” for taking on certain inept and sadistic Kane County family court judges has been well over 300 emails and private messages from folks desperately seeking a means to unravel the system.
The most fascinating part of this front row seat to the official breakup process is, despite the family courts’ shifting yet persistent bias towards mothers, those dire missives tend to run about three-to-one in favor of female authors.
But the most bizarre part of this equation is, of the 75 men who’ve written, without exception, they’ve been respectful, they consider my counsel, they’re grateful, and some even reached out months later to tell me my efforts made a difference. Not a single one of those fathers has disrespected me in any way.
And my advice to them is beyond basic:
- Judges tend towards the party who’s more willing to compromise.
- Judges don’t care for parents who use the courtroom as a forum to excoriate their partner in graphic detail, particularly if they do it in front of their children.
- Judges rarely grant sole custody to one parent because children need a mother and a father.
- Judges HATE and can see through most false sexual or physical abuse claims because women resort to them far too often.
- If you can’t behave in a court of law, the judge will begin to wonder how you behave everywhere else.
- Judges hate it when a party uses repeated court appearances to punish the other side.
- Even the most liberal family judge leans conservatively with their rulings on children.
- If your spouse has an attorney and you don’t, you will lose. If you can afford to play house, then you can figure out how to afford an attorney.
- Research your family court judge BEFORE you step foot into the courtroom because each party gets one free SOJ. (Substitution of Judge)
Having observed more than my share of family court cases, I understand how the system can be a rather complicated and terrifying proposition. I also realize that some judges suck, but if you follow those eminently basic rules, you’ll be twenty steps ahead of the average plaintiff/defendant.
Conversely, of the 225-ish women I’ve tried to help with a simple return email on up to a court appearance, just five have considered my recommendations and only two thanked me after the fact. Most of them summarily dismiss me when I won’t tell them exactly what they want to hear. It’s not that I require gratitude, but the absurd split between the sexes in this regard is rather shocking.
Worse yet, whenever I explain that, unless it’s a truly egregious case, no self-respecting journalist would ever consider covering a convoluted family court case, these women get downright irate going as far as lambasting me on social media.
And that’s exactly what happened last weekend when a former Facebook friend left more than 30 long comments on one of my columns over the course of eight long hours. When I told her to stop the bombardment, she went off on me for refusing to “help” her and blocked me.
So, in an effort to avoid burning your eyebrows off by setting a record for most four-letter words applied in an opinion column, let’s tackle the phenomenon this way. Mothers:
If you believe that any judge will rule in your favor on every count instead of trying to make the best of a difficult situation, then you might be the problem.
If you believe the reason the judge doesn’t rule for you on every single count is because they’re “out to get you,” then you are the problem.
If every judge, attorney, and county court system you’ve encountered is part of a vast conspiracy aligned against you, then you, not they, are the problem.
If you believe that Kane County judges are involved in child trafficking, as a number of emailers have clearly indicated, then you are the problem and you need some serious help.
If the judge rules against you on almost every count, despite you being the mother, then you might be the problem.
If you come to court to explain how your ex MUST abide by your anti-vax, home-schooling, vegan touting ways, and then you wonder why the judge consistently rules against you, you might be the problem.
If you think shared custody means getting your child for Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring break, and their birthday, then you might be the problem.
If you keep dragging your ex into court just to unload on him, or you think the judge will change their mind this time, then you might be the problem.
If you keep dragging your ex into court because he’s doing the simplest parenting things “wrong,” then you are the problem.
If you spend eight straight hours bombarding an opinion column with over 30 comments instead of using that time to better understand the family court system, then you might be the problem.
If you fervently believe that a journalist should drop everything and write about your family court case, from your point of view and to the exclusion of everything else until you get your way in court, then you have the kind of entitlement mentality that means you shouldn’t be raising a hamster, much less a child.
It’s also a vast indication of why your relationship/marriage didn’t work out because everything’s always all about you.
Here’s the bottom line for family court mothers.
You picked him, not your friends, family, society, and certainly not me. What does it say about you and your poor choices that the father of your child(ren) is suddenly evil incarnate? What does it say about your children?
The fact you went as far as having a child with this “lout” says even more about your poor judgment, because it means you’re inextricably tied to their father for the rest of your natural life. So, you better figure out a way to make it work, because if you don’t, the family court judge will, and you’ll likely come out on the short end of the stick despite that mother’s inherent family court advantage
As for me, I will no longer respond to family court entreaties from females, so please don’t bother sending any. I may be a bit slow at times, but eventually I do catch on.
Authors note:
As you might imagine, there will be no Thursday column. I’ll likely run a passage from Diary of A Curmudgeon II, instead.
My loyal readers know that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday in great part because gratitude is one of the most powerful forces in the Universe. My fondest wish is that you have the kind of Thanksgiving that will become the stuff of your fondest memories.
