Would someone please tell me when I get to start enjoying my journalistic semi-retirement? It’s been two months and here I am at the keyboard once again. But I had to let you in on this because it’s so fuckin’ hilarious.
You may have noticed that the photograph of fake Kane County Chronicle reporter Brenda Schory is suddenly missing from Friday’s special report. That’s the result of yet another Shaw Media bully calling me and petulantly whining when I gave him a dose of his own medicine.
Let’s first stipulate that I’ve used that photo of Brenda for the better part of a decade – without complaint. Ah! But the moment you urge subscribers to cancel their subscriptions to that useless rag, those Shaw Media editors – the same ones who bully the people they cover just to prove they still matter when everyone knows they don’t – suddenly start to care.
So, Mr. Kevin Solari, a real piece of work, calls me, barely introduces himself, and just like his hero, Agent Orange, launches into a self-righteous tirade about using one of their copyrighted photographs. I had no clue what he was talking about until he mentioned the “professional copyrighted shot of Brenda.”
First, my father was a professional photographer and that photo ain’t. And second, this isn’t the first time Shaw Media has called me in a hissy fit after I criticized them in the same manner they criticize everyone else. Then I had to laugh at how those dysfunctional Shaw Media bosses sent the new guy to deal with me because, having learned the hard way, they’re too terrified to do it themselves.
My initial response to Mr. Solari was, “prove it,” which temporarily rendered my newest favorite bully mute. As he continued to hem and haw, I reminded him that Shaw Media had erroneously accused me of this transgression three times before, so why should I take his word for it now?
That solicited another round of silence until our bully finally managed to stammer, “Why are you using any photographs at all?” For a second there, I thought my not-so-sainted mother had come back from the great beyond. But then I realized she wasn’t nearly as un-bright as Ms. Solari, so it couldn’t possibly be her.
Then he actually had the temerity to shout; “What do you have against Brenda Schory anyway,” and thus, the real reason for the call. Talk about asking the wrong question! Though I quickly realized that covering Brenda’s vast list of shortcomings would take days, so I focused on three things:
- Schory has failed to cover how her boyfriend, KC GOP Chairman Andro Lerario, owes 44 grand in back taxes when we both know if Treasurer Chris Lauzen owed ten bucks, it would be headline news for a week. When I asked Solari if he’d knew who Chris Lauzen was, he barely managed to utter, “I’ve heard of him,” which would seem to call Shaw Media’s hiring practices into question. Let’s just say I didn’t want to ask him who Donald Trump was.
- Then I noted how Schory and the Chronicle completely failed to cover the Geneva Third Street low-income housing. He didn’t have an answer for that one.
- Lastly, I mentioned that Brenda has gone out of her way to cover me when I’m really not news, simply making it up as she goes along. Schory still hasn’t learned that she can’t begin to affect me – or anyone else for that matter – but God bless her for trying. It’s nice to have lofty goals, isn’t it?
Then I may have applied an epithet that completely set Mr. Solari off because that’s what bullies do when they’re losing the debate. That’s when they try to gaslight people into believing they’re the offended party. So, he went on ranting and raving for about ten seconds until I finally had enough and hung up on him. Which by the way, isn’t nearly as satisfying as it was when it involved a large AT&T touchtone landline phone.
But then I suddenly realized that I might be missing out on column comedy gold. So, I called my new friend Kevin back and, having already been bested, the bully picked up the phone because he just couldn’t help himself.
So, I offered the real meaning of that epithet, which really does fit Brenda to T, and I explained that I had no monopoly on the word. It’s regularly used in newsrooms, political gatherings, police stations, and in every corner of the Kane County Judicial Center. I certainly don’t have a monopoly on the term
Kevin’s response was that I hung out with “the wrong class of people,” to which I replied he certainly wouldn’t make the list of my new replacement friends. Then he had the nerve to call me something I’ve NEVER been called before in all my days on this earth. Kevin Solaris called me “crass!”
Oh, the humanity! Oh, the ignominy. Oh, the lack of imagination! It actually took me two nanoseconds to recover, too. Really? That’s the best he could come up with? Those are tough words from a “journalist” who can barely string two coherent sentences together in print.
When I subsequently asked him to explain how The First Ward breaks more stories in a month – despite being semi-retired – than the Chronicle breaks in a year, his ad hominin attack was typically of your garden variety bully. “So, you’re the best reporter in Kane County, so what? Aren’t you just a blogger.”
Well, I never!
That’s when I felt the need to correct him because it clearly wasn’t true! I duly explained that I’m not the best reporter in Kane County – I’m the best opinion columnist in all of Illinois. And while that’s certainly true, considering the competition, it’s hardly something to brag about. To put it in a better perspective, it’s kinda like being the tallest midget at the circus, or the smartest person at any Kane County Republican Party gathering
That was the point at which Mr. Solaris had lost his very limited appeal, so I told him I’d happily take the photo down because my readers were begging me to do so anyway. No one really wants to see Brenda Schory’s gleaming visage ad nauseum, do they?
Then Kevin proceeded to whine about how his mother never loved him, how he was bullied on the playground – as a parent, and that he wished he could be me. His parting words were he “Hoped he’d never run into me again,” to which I responded I didn’t want to run into him this time.
So, once again, the very bleeps charged with taking on the rest of us are so ironically thin-skinned that they can’t take an ounce of the same criticism. All you need to do is take a glance at Mr. Solaris’ attached photo and you’ll know exactly who he is.
Let’s not forget that Shaw Media’s biggest mistake in all of this was letting me know I’m getting to them. Remember how I’ve told my wife that living with me is what truly prepared her to teach middle school?
Of course, I’ve emailed Solari twice in an effort to provide him with the opportunity to tell his side of the story – something Brenda Schory would never do. But, in another vast irony, the journalist who insists that people speak with him, has been disingenuously silent. What a shock, right?
So, please allow me to reiterate that you should cancel your subscription to any Shaw Media publication because the sooner you do, the sooner we’ll get a replacement possibility that might actually do their job. Then you might want to ask Brenda why she was fired from the Daily Herald. It’s a fascinating story.
