Will someone please teach me wifeanese!

Now, normally I don’t bring my life into the columns or blog if for no other reason than I’m actually kind of boring. But I’ve decided that an a.m. conversation with my wife today really should be documented for posterity.

Wife: “I really could’ve used your help making (older son’s) sandwich this morning.”

Me: “You know Thursday and Friday are my weekend so I stayed up later last night. If you needed help you should’ve woken me up.”

Wife: “I hate to wake you up when you’re sleeping.”

Me: “Well, then why didn’t you tell me you’d need help last night and I would’ve gone to bed earlier.”

Wife: “You knew where I was working all week.”

Me: “OK! Then why didn’t you tell me you’d need help for the rest of the week.”

Wife: “Because they’re buying lunch on Friday and I wouldn’t need your help then.”

At which point I was glad I was holding a butter knife and not one of my prized Wusthoffs because there was no logic on this planet that could’ve convinced her that she should have asked me for help AHEAD OF TIME.

So I’m willing to pay some sage woman a handsome amount to provide advanced wifeanese lessons. It’s gotta be a heck of a lot cheaper than a defense lawyer.

It’s money that matters!

This morning I got into a very mild Facebook kerfuffle with my current hero J. “Motivational” Koko. I love J. – he’s a hoot. But when he put up a video asking folks what they might do with their lives if money didn’t matter, I immediately harkened back to my favorite Randy Newman song, It’s Money That Matters.

So I basically insisted that J’s video could not be correct because, if Randy Newman says, “It’s money that matters,” then that has to be the truth. After all, Mr. Newman is one of my heroes.

As I re-watched the music video as a result of that online conversation, something struck me.

And it goes back to Tuesday’s radio show. Those of you who already listened know that, when confronted with the President’s victory, Paul Edwards whined even more than a Jewish wife forced to cook a gourmet dinner. And while I certainly understand his business concerns, his Romney-esque contention that the takers are now running the country is pure unadulterated BS – as is most of the stuff that comes out of Paul’s mouth.

The truth is, women, minorities and the young – the folks who voted overwhelmingly for President Obama – are tired of being relegated to second class status merely by virtue of their birth. If you consider their abysmal fiscal record, the only thing conservatives really want to conserve these days is their place at the table.

Women and minorities don’t want a handout, they want a level playing field where they have the same shot at the American dream that the fat old white men got.

As far as Paul’s ridiculous contention that the President “bribed” voters goes, the truth is, Mitt Romney offered everybody everything which is why he lost.

If we’re gonna talk about the takers, then shouldn’t we be talking about about the oil industry’s $4 billion in annual government subsidies and $30 billion in farm subsidies which is nothing more than a form of welfare for wealthy white folks.

Of course, I didn’t have the opportunity to respond on Tuesday because Paul’s favorite trick is to launch into a long soliloquy – and then cut you off.

And Newman’s song (Don’t miss Dire Straits’ Mark Knopfler on guitar) hits the nail on the head. “In any fair system, they would flourish and thrive.” So here’s the video:

So now Paula Broadwell is the victim?

This drives me fricken’ nuts. Doesn’t anyone take personal responsibility for anything anymore?

Apparently not. And this Suzanne Kelly CNN piece, which does it’s best to paint Petraeus paramour Paula Broadwell as the real victim in that sordid tale, is so far beyond the pale it’s hard to believe someone actually wrote it.

Yes, the press is being exceptionally hard on Mrs. Broadwell and they damn well should be! Perhaps if you don’t want to be painted as a stalker then maybe you shouldn’t be sending threatening emails to the woman you think your illicit lover is having another affair with.  

And the more I read the more I’m convinced that the only thing Broadwell is sorry about is that she got caught. She obviously thrived on the rarified air the general was all too happy to provide and had no intention of giving it up. Perhaps if she came clean on her own, things might have turned out differently.

Perhaps all of it could be chalked up to incredibly poor judgement until the FBI found classified documents in her house. But as the obviously addled Michael O’Hanlon of the Baltimore Sun basically wrote, other than this “mistake” she’s a really good person.

What?  Exactly when does the preponderance of your actions add up to the fact that maybe you’re not such a good person after all? I’m not saying Mrs. Broadwell – or anyone else – is beyond redemption, but she seems to have a very strange notion of exactly how cause and effect is supposed to work.

If you have an affair with a former major general and CIA director and you get caught – and you likely will – the fallout will include the kind of press scrutiny that would make the likes of Lindsay Lohan shiver. If you’re found with classified documents in your home and you don’t have the requisite clearance, then you will be prosecuted.

These are both military folks who clearly understood the higher marital standards the armed forces demand. If the general had the affair while he was still a general he will be prosecuted.

I’m not saying either one of them planned this, but they damned well knew the massive chance they were taking in carrying it out and exactly what would happen if it ever came out. What’s that old saying about that bed you just made?

So instead of taking responsibility for her actions, per her attorney, Broadwell suddenly feels the need to focus on her family and restore her husband’s and sons’ trust? Were I Mr. Broadwell, considering this vast a violation of that trust as well as the fact that my wife put my family at risk, I’d kick her ass to the curb so fast she wouldn’t know what hit her.

Some choices change your life forever.

Please understand, though it may sound like it, I’m not passing judgement on either one of these reality challenged individuals. Affairs happen every day. But for anyone who CHOSE to perpetrate a specific set of circumstances to subsequently say, “Hey! Lighten up,” I’m thinking they weren’t a “good person” to begin with.

The bakers union strikes back!

As a prelude to Monday’s Courier-News column, we briefly covered the whole Hostess debacle here. As you know, my tolerance for labor unions is getting thinner and thinner every day. Unions may have served a noble purpose at one time, but those days have long gone by. 

When I placed the blame for the Twinkie company’s as yet unnecessary demise squarely where it belongs, on the bakers union, they took offense! Though the emails weren’t outright threatening, I’m considering wearing Kevlar one more time.

Why is it that so many folks shriek and howl about all the entitlements out there, but when you question theirs, they immediately think you’re the villain? With the sometime exception of teachers, unions have  become nothing more than a means of shaking down management and keeping lazy and incompetent worker on the job.

I understand the pendulum had to swing away from last century’s sweat shops, but this is one case where it’s swung way too far.

Please read the column and judge for yourself!

And the Left, Right and You radio torch passes to Jeff Ward and Allen Skillicorn!

First, my sincere thanks to Tim Elenz and Paul Edwards for not only giving me my radio break, but for turning the show over to Allen and I for the foreseeable future. We appreciate their faith and confidence and will do our best to carry on in their proud tradition of heated, but reasonable debate.

With Paul back in the studio for the first time in a month, today’s show included a fascinating recap of the presidential election as well as our widely varying viewpoints on the future of the national Republican Party. Ironically, it was Paul who didn’t hold out much hope for a future GOP resurgence.

I’m not so sure that’s the case.

If you missed it live, not to worry! You can hear the whole thing right here:  Left Right and You Nov. 27

And for those of you who want to be part of our new media juggernaut, Allen and I are looking for sponsors! Please let us know if you’re interested.

Trust me, it’s going to be an interesting ride and our fondest wish is that you join us for the journey.

The Spirit of Radio will move me from 3 to 4 today!

With all four of us in the studio it should be a very interesting afternoon! That’s right! Tim Elenz, Paul Edwards, Allen Skillcorn and yours truly will take to the airwaves once again (11/27) from 3 to 4 on WRMN AM 1410.

That means there will be plenty of folks to keep Paul and I apart if necessary. I’m sure he’s still smarting from Mitt Romney’s ever widening defeat. 

And I promise you, this time, I will do my best to avoid that mad dash to the radio station which apparently had me speaking so fast last week, that I ended up sounding something like a hyperactive monkey on crack. Deep breaths Jeff…deep breaths.

Today we might tackle topics like the future of Left, Right and You, are congressional Republicans really willing to work with the President, is Grover Nordquist losing his sex appeal, will Tim put in his application for Jesse Jackson Jr.s’ congressional seat, did Paul personally examine the President’s Hawaiian birth certificate, and what happens when one political party dominates state politics.

Be there or be square.

Yikes! Those attorney’s fees certainly can add up!

If you recall, my sainted mother always said I should be either an attorney or a writer. And when you consider what former Kane County Chairman Karen McConnaughay’s attorneys are trying to bilk… I mean bill Kane County for defending her against Jim MacRunnells’ lawsuit, I did not choose wisely. 

Please recall that former county chair opponent and general activist MacRunnells sued Ms. McConnaughay for issuing those now infamous 50 percent raises to county directors and managers who reported directly to her. We covered that topic quite a bit in the Beacon-News.

For example, former Director of Development Phil Bus saw his salary go from $95,000 to $153,181, which is why he currently receives a $109,000 a year pension. MacRunnells asserted that, not only would those pay hikes eventually cost the taxpayers $20 million, but they were patently illegal.

Of course, the lawsuit was initially tossed by KC Circuit Court judge Thomas Mueller, but the Appeals Court disagreed and sent it right back to him. When MacRunnells’ efforts to get it in front of a new judge fell flat, the now miffed Mueller tossed it a second time without a second thought.

So now, sensing victory, McConnaughay’s outside attorneys have submitted their itemized bills to the court for payment.

Her high falutin’ downtown attorney quartet are claiming they expended a massive 163 hours to the tune of 71,701.23 in taxpayer dollars. That’s 18 grand a pop for a defense which basically consisted of repeating the phrase, “Did not!”

I would’ve done the same thing for a case of Bass Ale and still felt like I came out ahead.

Not to be outdone, enter Ken Shepro, the clown prince of Kane County politics and the “attorney” who has his hands in more pots than Rachel Wray. Despite the Chairman’s previous proclamation that he was too busy to work on county issues, Shepro is saying he spent 49.3 hours on this life and death matter. And at $275 an hour, that comes to $13,557.50.

Somehow he earned all that cash without ever showing his face in court.

You know, people used to be embarrassed by revelations like this. There used to be a thing called “shame” that acted as a deterrent for this kind of behavior. Not anymore!

If only General Patraeus had followed the Ward-Kelley Postulate!

Though it was nice to have some time off, it’s just as good to be back in the writing saddle once again. And we’ll start with Sunday’s Beacon-News column.  

Considering the source of General Patraeus’ untimely downfall, I thought it would be a good time to review the Ward-Kelley Postulate once again. Of course, my long-time readers know that moral imperative goes something like this: good friend Rob Kelley and I decided we’d never cheat on our wives because one woman in our lives is misery enough and we wouldn’t want to compound it with another.

It really boils down to simple math. And if our war hero had heeded the Postulate, he might still be heading up the CIA today! But perhaps it’s not too late for you! Read the column and might be spared all this undue agony.

This is how government is supposed to work!

All those hopefuls who say they’re gonna run government like a business are full of bleep.

Unlike CEOs, given the vast and generally powerless nature of mayors, county chairman and school board presidents, the only way they can ever get anything done is by consensus. Don’t believe me? Then simply look east to our nation’s capital for a prime example of what can happen when one side insists on saying “no!”

Not only did Wednesdays Geneva Patch column tackle this fascinating phenomenon, but I used the Geneva School as an example of a group that’s making some reasonable shifts. Through an evolving consensus, that board has moved away from what I like to call the “municipal mindset” much faster than anyone could’ve reasonably expected.

If you’re planning on running for office or simply trying to beat city hall, I’d start with this column!