What I really wanted to say is “white liberals suck,” but I’ve been using the “S” word so much lately it’s gonna start losing its punch. Uncharacteristically seeking the high road, I thought it would be better to go with “prodigious,” “ignoration.” and “stupefying” instead.
But truth be told, those three words don’t nearly capture the imagination like that four-letter word does. And let’s not forget that I am a liberal.
The bottom line is, I’ve had it with you white people. If you’re not doing your damndest to embarrass the entire race, your capacity to make a situation so much worse than it needs to be is beyond the pale. Some of my best friends may be Caucasian, but y’all look alike, you can’t dance, and you destroy everything you lay your hands on.
From now on, if I see one of you coming at me, I’m crossing the street, and I’m calling the police if you people have the nerve barbecue, go to a public pool, deliver a newspaper, or open your own store.
Sensitivity training? Really?
This is the best example of why I’m a man without a country. While conservatives have generally descended into a brackish abyss of hypocritical and narcissistic bigotry, liberals, whom I hold to a higher standard, have become so outrage-prone their rising intolerance is beginning to make the Tea Party look like pikers.
To wit, Major League Baseball just sentenced Milwaukee Brewers’ left-handed relief ace, Josh Hader, to sensitivity training for issuing some racist and homophobic tweets at the ripe old age of seventeen. For those who are counting, that’s seven long years ago.
To that end, I’d encourage my peers to join me in a moment of silence for the good fortune that, in the late ‘60s and early ‘70s, social media consisted of one shared land line that was prone to busy signals.
Because if all the shit we said as high school juniors ever came to light, sensitivity training would be the least of our worries.
As I once said to a local politician who asked me if he should start Tweeting, “What could possibly go wrong with sharing your thoughts in a mere 140 characters just seconds after they’ve been formulated?”
To his credit, Hader took full responsibility for those hideous tweets explaining, “I regret the mistakes I made in the past. That doesn’t resemble the person I am now. Those are not my beliefs at all. They were never my beliefs. I hurt people by those tweets, and that hurts me deeply.’’
C’mon! The survival of our species completely depends upon homo sapiens somehow surviving those turbulent teenage years to evolve into something a bit more reasonable – Donald Trump being the exception, of course.
So, why would anyone ever hold anyone accountable for some stupid shit they said at the age of seventeen? But leave it to liberals to do just that. NBC said Hader deserved to be punished, USA Today wrote “Hader faces long journey to redemption,” and the white, progressive blogosphere nearly spontaneously combusted.
Though it was a bit disconcerting to watch an all-white Brewers crowd give Hader a standing ovation in his first home appearance since “the news,” I was relieved to see that some Caucasians had the courage to muster up some badly needed perspective.
Do liberals really think that any kind of sensitivity training will ever make a bigoted leopard change their spots? Who knew it was that simple? Or is it more likely the case that their absurd intolerance over a stupid teenage mistake drives centrists like me into a more conservative corner?
Because that’s exactly what it’s doing.
Old, white, male bigots may be dying out, but progressives’ capacity to undermine and destroy their own movement is timeless!
It’s not a hate crime part two
Sure enough! The day I wrote that Timothy Trybus, 62, the lout who verbally accosted Mia Irizarry for wearing a Puerto Rican flag t-shirt in a Cook County forest preserve shouldn’t be charged with a felony hate crime, he was hit with two of ‘em!
Before we continue, since some of you clearly need remedial reading lessons, I never said he shouldn’t be charged. What I said was the initial misdemeanor assault and disorderly conduct charges perfectly fit the crime.
Ms. Irizarry, indeed, had the right to enjoy her party without being verbally accosted by some drunken boob.
But two felony hate crimes? I don’t care what the overly broad statute states, these kinds of charges should be reserved for cases to which they truly apply. Painted swastikas in Jewish graveyards, vandalism against a gay nightclub, and burning down black churches? Those are hate crimes.
But a drunk old stupid white man who doesn’t even understand that Puerto Rico is part of the United States? No! Because if being drunk and stupid was a felony, there are a lot of ex-girlfriends who could be pressing charges for some fascinating late-night phone calls.
To apply a felony hate crime in this instance is to utterly diminishes the intent and spirit of the law. And anytime we decide to kill a flea with a howitzer to make political points, it almost always backfires.
Does anyone really think Trybus is going to suddenly “wake up” and say, “Thank you for prosecuting me! I clearly see the error of my way. Please forgive me?” Or is the more likely possibility that he becomes even further entrench in his particular brand of bigotry?
Does anyone really think hate crime charges are going to deter the next inebriated white idiot from launching into another intolerant tirade? And isn’t deterrence the backbone of our criminal justice system?
What should’ve become a teachable moment, especially considering Irizarry’s amazing grace and poise in the line of fire, has now descended into the kind of frenzied bloodlust that seems to be the only way that liberals can feel good about themselves these days.
The real question here is, when did progressives decide to become every bit as bad as the diehard Trump supporters they love to loathe?
Ya gotta love the outrage machine!
We’re going long today folks!
By now I’m sure you’ve all seen the viral video of the dastardly old white Cubs fan “stealing” a ball from a minority child.
What you’ll see in that too-short clip is Cubs first base coach Will Venable toss a ball into the stands in the kid’s general direction, the ball rolls under his seat, and the white guy behind him picks it up and hands it to his wife.
I have to admit I was tempted to pile on, but then I noted that neither the child’s parents, nor the surrounding fans had any words with our purported ball thief. And I’ve seen situations where Wrigley Field erupted in a chorus of boos and “give it back” over a similarly poorly behaving adult.
But that didn’t stop liberals’ heads from spontaneously exploding in a fashion that made that dinosaur killing asteroid strike pale in comparison. Thankfully, ESPN radio host Dave Kaplan, my favorite sports pundit, set the record straight.
Not only did our nefarious Cub fan help the very same child retrieve a foul ball a few innings earlier, but shortly after he took a picture of his wife holding the second ball, he passed it on to another nearby child.
I’d ask liberals if they feel more than a bit silly now, but you can’t shame a group that has no shame.