Quick Hit’s – T’was the night before Christmas

On Friday, I forgot to mention that Quick Hits will be taking our traditional Christmas Eve to New Year’s Day break. I always offer the caveat that if something inspires me, I may go ahead and write anyway, and something always seems to inspire me.

But this year, between trying to get one book published, writing another, and writing Quick Hits three days a week, I’m really looking forward to some time off! But before I temporarily vanish, I wanted to cover one more thing!

Upon making the ten mile journey west to Elburn’s Ream’s Market yesterday (12/23) at around 10:50 a.m. We were stunned to see virtually every inch of the store occupied by an eager customer. You literally could not move very far in any direction.

Image result for reams meat market

So, while my wife dutifully waited for the prime rib roast, I grabbed a couple of bottles of Glogg and got in the line, which wrapped around the store four times. It was not unlike winding your way through a mythical Greek maze – without the Minotaur, of course!

And I gotta tell ya, not only did that crack Ream’s staff keep everything moving at a record pace, but it was kinda fun talking with our fellow queue mates. It was a far cry from Meijer having just two deli workers at 11 on Sunday morning.

Now, I know grocery stores are somewhat immune to that Internet interference, but that doesn’t mean that Reams isn’t an island in a sea of food offering megastores. Those competitors include:

  • Target
  • Jewel
  • Meijer
  • Caputo‘s
  • Mariano’s
  • Trader Joe’s
  • Whole Foods
  • Fresh Markek
  • Aldi
  • Woodman’s
  • Sam’s Club
  • Costco
  • Walmart

And others! So, while crowds are certainly not my thing, it was kinda cool being in a four-checkout-counter line with at least 99 of my favorite holiday meal shopping compatriots. It’s the kind of phenomenon those more massive competitors can only dream of.

The bottom line? Ream’s does it right. They sell a fantastic product at reasonable prices topped by great customer service with nary a hint of an entitlement mentality.

That’s how you do it small business folks.

Quick Hits – December 21, 2018

Let me be perfectly clear about school board candidates

On Wednesday we covered exactly which Geneva school board candidates were backed by the Geneva Education Association. For the uninitiated, that’s the D304 teachers’ union. To repeat, those candidates are:

  • Jill Johnson
  • Katherine Frye
  • Kim Edwards
  • Alicia Saxton
  • Prerak Patel

But when I posted that story, a couple of commenters referred to that slate in some rather unfortunate terms. And I say “unfortunate” because, while I completely disagree with their cause, anyone who has the cojones to run for school board deserves a boatload of credit for doing so.

Image result for geneva school board d304

First, this race covers all of Geneva Township and a bit more, so it’s bigger than a mayoral run. Second you don’t get paid for serving on a school board and, if done right, it can be a very time-consuming proposition.

And third, it’s an utterly thankless job because you regularly have to deal with folks’ two most precious commodities – their children and their bank accounts. To make matters worse, the only time the voters give you any consideration whatsoever is when the press believes you’ve done something wrong.

I have a number of friends on school boards and when they displease me my favorite comment is, “Don’t make me help you get reelected!

So, while I certainly don’t want to see any tax and spend candidate get elected anywhere, you have to give this group credit for giving it a shot. Their lives will not be their own from January 2 through April 1. Campaigning, done right, is an incredible amount of hard work.

Will I reasonably and civilly work against them? You bet I will! But isn’t that the American way?


This board was more than respectful to the teachers

I’m not being bombarded with this contention, but I am starting to hear it on a semi-regular basis. “The D304 School Board needs to treat the teachers with more respect.” In fact, it’s the main reason one of the pro-union candidates is running.

The irony is these well-intentioned folks have it completely backwards.

I’d say five percent annual raises for five years shows a whole heck of a lot of respect. And unlike GEA President Kevin Gannon and too many of the teachers, this Board bent over backwards to keep the animosity to a minimum.

Geneva 304 Board of Education Members

I know these board members far better than most local politicians and it isn’t in this group’s nature to be disrespectful to anyone, much less the educators they will continue to work with.

Meanwhile, Mr. Gannon

  • Knew a strike was unnecessary
  • Incited an absurd level of hostilities just because he could
  • Consistently and blatantly lied
  • Consistently resorted to intimidation
  • Enjoyed every bit of his 15 minutes of fame
  • Created a consistently moving negotiation target
  • Consistently negotiated in bad faith
  • Was behind sending that absurd text to D304 students

But here’s the real kicker. Sure, that errant text destroyed the union’s public position, which meant they had to settle quickly. But the federal mediator was also greatly responsible for the settlement that fateful Sunday.

At one point during those intense negotiations, he went to the white board, drew a line down the middle, and wrote “Board Concessions” and “Union Concessions” atop the two columns. It took him awhile to list all of the board’s compromises. But when it came to the Union listing theirs, they couldn’t come up with a single word.

Their side of the white board was pure as the driven snow. And that’s really something when you consider strike mediators almost always favor labor. When faced with the text fallout and the fact they clearly weren’t negotiating in good faith, the GEA finally made an effort to resolve the issue.

Furthermore, I have received no reports of any teacher’s child being harassed on social media, but that certainly wasn’t the case for board members who still have children in the Geneva school system. The threats and harassment got so bad that a couple of them are considering sending their children to private schools.

So, it’s the union and some of the teachers who have a lot to learn about respect – not the board! And if you’re running on that basis, you might want to reconsider your candidacy!


Ahoj mým českým přátelům!

For those of you who don’t speak Czech – and that’s probably all of you – that roughly translates to, “Hello to my Czech friends!” And I offer this greeting because I may not be “big in Japan,” but The First Ward seems to have developed a growing Czech readership.

Image result for czech flag

You see, one of the fun things about WordPress blogs is they tell you where your hits come from. And I’ll generally get a smattering from Canada, the UK, Costa Rica (Hi Stephanie!), Ireland, Japan, Mexico, Hong Kong and China. But I’ve been getting up to 60 hits a day from my friends in the Czech Republic.

I suppose if David Hasslehoff can be big in Germany, I can be Czech hit, too!

When I mentioned this to my lovely wife, she suggested I reach out to my Czech readers to ascertain exactly what draws them to The First Ward and I’m going to do just that!

Takže, moji čeští přátelé! Co vás přivede na svůj blog? Dejte nám prosím vědět v sekci komentáře.

I can’t wait to hear from you!

Quick Hits – December 19, 2018

The Geneva Education Association strikes back!

Apparently unhappy with their 4.9 percent raises over each of the next five years, the Geneva Education Association is planning a coup d’état! Yes sir! They are running a slate of pro-union board members who’d like nothing more than to hand out 10 percent annual raises which would send your property taxes straight through the roof.

And those April 2nd hopefuls are:

  • Jill Johnson
  • Katherine Frye
  • Kim Edwards
  • Alicia Saxton
  • Prerak Patel

How do I know these fine folks are fronted by the Union? I have sources. But if you doubt them, take a look at their nominating paperwork on the County Clerk’s website. All of their signature sheet autographs came from Geneva teachers – a wonderful group of educators who abandoned their students and believe five percent raises aren’t nearly enough.


So what if they force senior citizens out of their homes! That’s what they get for having the temerity to retire. Apparently those six-figure salaries aren’t nearly enough.

And by the way, when was the last time you got a five percent raise?

But not all is lost my Geneva compatriots! There are some good guys and gals in the mix! The following candidates believe they are equally responsible to the taxpayer:

  • Jessica Breugelmans
  • Robert Cabeen
  • And, of course, incumbent Mike McCormick

Fear not, dear reader! We all know Mr. McCormick, and our new duo have no intention of dismantling the district. They’re neither Tea Partiers nor wacky conservatives. They were compelled to run by the series of rather unhappy events that led to Geneva’s first teachers’ strike, and they only want to bring balance to the force.

Alan Gaston has also thrown his hat into the ring, and though I haven’t reached out to him yet, his signatures came from regular folks too, not teachers.

All I can say is, if you don’t want your already ridiculous property taxes to get even more ridiculous, you already know what to do!


The Geneva Police are at it again!

I don’t know if I’m more insulted that they keep pulling this shit, or that they think they can keep it from me. Regardless, here’s the latest tale of corruption from the most corrupt police force in the collar counties.

These are the preliminary details pending their FOIA (Freedom of Information Act) response.

Apparently, instead of citing an attractive young woman for DUI, a patrol officer drove her home and proceeded to have his way with her. And if that ain’t a MeToo moment I don’t what is. What could possibly go wrong with a police officer boinking a potential defendant who’d had too much to drink?

That scenario continued for three to four weeks, but then the young woman wanted something more out of the relationship. Apparently, there’s no accounting for taste. And when our intrepid office declined her overtures, she went to the City Manager and Police Chief to complain, and either a lawsuit has been filed or it’s about to be filed.

The GPD attempted to cover this story up by quietly forcing the officer to resign and, of course, they’d just as soon silently settle the suit.

Not on my watch!

What I can promise you is there will be many more details to come! And this ain’t the only story I have on the GPD, either!


It’s déjà vu all over again!

No sooner had Lauren Underwood assumed that Illinois 14th District Congressional seat when Republican challengers started coming out of the woodwork! And two of those prospective contenders are the kind of perennial candidates we’ve all come to know and not quite love.

The first is none other than 25th District State Senator, Jim Oberweis, who clearly can’t be happy that he finally won a couple of local elections. Jim has aimed at the 14the before, only to lose to Democrat Bill Foster.

It doesn’t matter who the opposing candidates are, Jim couldn’t win this seat if he poured the same $6 million he did into all his previous losing causes.

But just when you thought it couldn’t get any stranger, one of my spies noted the old “Cunningham for Congress” truck borne sign was making the rounds.

While Jack has always harbored Congressional aspirations, he’s 79, he’s in terrible physical health, and he’s suffering from dementia. Jack is lucky he won his original County Clerk’s race, and the last time he ran for Congress he got thrown off the ballot for errant nominating paperwork.

Considering the 14th, Underwood is eminently vulnerable to a good Republican challenger – in 2022. But no old white man is gonna beat Ms. Underwood in 2020, when President Trump will finally get his comeuppance.

It really is true! The more things change, the more they do stay the same!

Quick Hits – Ms. McConnaughay! How can we miss you if you won’t go away?

I want to thank all of my readers who insisted I cover this more than fascinating story, though I get the feeling I wouldn’t have survived had I chosen poorly in this regard. But the truth is, I really didn’t need any “encouragement” at all.

I’m sure you already know the score, but in deference to all those former Sun-Times editors who claimed my tragic flaw was failing to provide enough background information, let’s review!

Shortly after squeaking by the conspicuously loony Jeanne Ives in the GOP gubernatorial primary, seeing the electoral handwriting on the wall, Governor Bruce Rauner did his damndest to recruit a pinch hitter to take on J. B. Pritzker in the finals.

He propositioned former State Senator Karen McConnaughay, Attorney General candidate Erika Harold, Cubs co-owner Tom Ricketts, and a player to be named later, explaining, “I’ll step aside, I’ll give you huge financial resources, you run for governor, I’ll support you. You have as good or better chance to get elected than me.”

McConnaughay 4

Karen McConnaughay

And all of Illinois Republicandom’s heads summarily exploded upon hearing this revelation. “Why the scurrilous cad,” they cursed, “He tricked us! He was never in it to win it! And to think he thought he could simply anoint his successor? The nerve of that man!”

As far as the GOP rabble goes, I have absolutely no sympathy. They got exactly the governor for whom they voted. I’m far more concerned with Rauner’s poor choice of stand ins. McConnaughay’s vast union ties would’ve doomed her, Harold never has, and never will, win an election, and though Ricketts certainly had a better shot than Rauner did, he still would’ve lost by 8 points.

Sensing the impending anti-Trump backlash, each potential proxy quickly shot him down, and to absolutely no one’s surprise, Pritzker breezed to a 16-point victory.

But despite all that Republican shrieking and howling, it really wasn’t a bad idea. I can count the number of politicians who understand the concept of cutting their losses on one hand. Had Rauner regularly resorted to that kind of prudent prognostication during his Springfield tenure, he might still be Governor.

So, I have absolutely no problem with Rauner’s attempt to abandon his sinking campaign ship.  What frosts my cookies is yet another Daily Herald attempt to make former Kane County Chairman, Karen McConnaughay out to be the hero.

“It was not the kind of conversation you could take seriously, because he had not contemplated the process of how any of that would work,” McConnaughay said, “To replace a sitting person on the ballot is the work of the party, not a hand-picked choice. I was flattered that he thought of me, but there’s a whole process to this, and I told him to do careful consideration to all of that before you have conversations with people about replacing him on the ballot.”

Doesn’t that woman ever get tired of being wrong?

If the Governor had gone to the State Central Republican Committee with this proposition, they would’ve leapt at it. They knew he couldn’t win, and they knew he’d torpedo he rest of the ticket, too. The offer to throw millions at his hand-picked replacement would’ve had ’em dancing around the block naked.

And Ms. McConnaughay damn well knows it, and so does the Daily Herald, but they’ve always treated the former Chairman with kid gloves because she consistently batted her eyelashes at and played nice with those eminently fragile editors.

In 12.5 years of journalistic effort, I have never directly covered a more corrupt politician. Never! With then Beacon-New reporter, Dan Campana, doing most of the digging, we discovered she “cajoled” campaign contributions from 80 percent of county vendors amassing an almost $400,000 campaign war chest before Chris Lauzen and I chased her out of Kane County.

She may not have invented pay-to-play, but she certainly perfected it.

Need proof? Let’s go back to that fateful conversation with those Grand Victoria riverboat folks who were trying to secure state funding for a permanent Elgin concert venue. Our former State Senator basically said that kind of assistance required at least a $100,000 contribution.

Even Kane County Board member, McConnaughay lackey, and general bleep, Mike Kenyon, who was sitting right next to her, winced when he heard her utter those words. I could go on, but we don’t have nearly enough time to cover it all.

Meanwhile, Chairman Chris Lauzen is one of the least corrupt politicians I’ve ever covered, but the Daily Herald’s simmering animosity toward him is so great, they endorsed Delnor tragedy progenitor Don Kramer over Ron Hain for Sheriff, because they incorrectly believed Lauzen was behind Hain’s candidacy.

I’d ask that paper if they have any shame whatsoever, but we both know the answer to that question, don’t we?

McConnaughay told ABC news that “Rauner’s tactic was similar to his style of governing:”

“He tried to end his career as governor the same way he got into it – always this idea he would strong-arm it,” she said. “He never respected the fact that there’s a process to governing. Never accepted responsibility for mistakes he made, it was always Madigan’s or someone else’s fault.”

This from the woman who turned beet red as she regularly screamed at recalcitrant board members, has never admitted she’s been wrong about anything, and installed a state-of-the-art Building A camera system that allowed her to observe which staffers had the temerity to talk to other staffers.

If Ms. McConnaughay thought she had any gubernatorial shot, she would’ve jumped in Rauner’s lap faster that Kim Kardashian could snatch a dollar bill from your hand. Then she would’ve extolled Rauner’s vast virtue in stepping aside to anyone who would listen. And the Central Committee would’ve nominated her, too!

The only bright spot in this sad tale of political incompetence was watching the Sun-Times get her last name right, and then misspell it a number of times in the same column.

And Illinois Republicans have the nerve to wonder why they can’t get elected.


Quick Hits – A Sunday Laugh!

Please understand that I meant NONE of this. It’s just that it’s kinda easy to get Sun-Times columnist Neil Steinberg going. After no correspondence between us for a couple of years, this was an actual Friday email conversation with Neil:

Jeff: Neil this is the column you shoulda wrote! I just keep getting better!

Neil: I believe it was Cervantes who wrote, “Self-praise is self-condemnation.” Thanks for writing. (Cervantes actually wrote, “Self-praise is self-debasement,” but who’s counting?)

Jeff: I believe it was Muhammad Ali who said, “I am the greatest!” Thanks for replying.

Neil: But he WAS the greatest!

Jeff: And so am I!

And that was it. Y’all oughtta try a middle-school mentality every now and then. They really are a lot of fun!


The great Neil Steinberg!


Quick Hits – The old man’s slippin’!

Picture if you will, Pulitzer Prize winner, Mike Royko, and his lifelong pal, Slats Grobnik, sitting on adjacent stools in a netherworld bar, each drinking a bottle of beer. C’mon! You did’t think opinion columnists go to Heaven, did you? My ticket to perdition was punched a long time ago!

Image result for michael madigan marty quinn

And I can hear that conversation now!

Slats: Didja hear?

Mike: Yep! (hoists the bottle and drinks)

Slats: Didja ever think you’d see the day?

Mike: We all get old Slats.

Slats: But we’re talkin’ about The Speaker, Mike. He don’t make mistakes.

Mike: First the MeToo stuff and now this? I think the old man’s slippin’.

Slats: But he’s all we got Mike! Fast Eddie’s goin’ back to the joint, Burke’s gonna be his cellmate, the real Daleys are gone – Billy don’t count, Rahm is done, and there’s more folks runnin’ for mayor than were at the UC for the last Bulls game.

Mike: (takes another swig of beer and orders another) All good things Slats. But ya gotta admit, it is kinda funny.

Slats: Not to me Mike. Not to me.

Mike: C’mon! 2,796 recisions when the kid only got 1,703 signatures? And only 187 of ‘em matched any actual petition name? That’s almost as funny as Bilandic driving a snowplow. When did you get so serious Slats?

Slats: This ain’t Chicagah Mike. This ain’t the city we knew and loved. Ward bosses don’t blow it like this. It’s a sad day for upstanding patronage workers everywhere Mike – a very sad day.

Mike: (takes a long drag from his cigarette) Lighten up my friend. The Speaker will be joining us soon enough and we’ll all have a beer and good laugh over it. Change is an inevitability Slats. Another Bud Light for my friend here!

Image result for mike royko

Mike Royko!

Of course, Mike and Slats were discussing David Krupa, a DePaul freshman who had the temerity to run against 13th Ward Alderman, favored Madigan lackey, and generally useless human being Marty Quinn.

Marty’s claim to fame is running from the cameras so quickly that Usain Bolt gets jealous.

After Krupa turned in his nominating paperwork with 1,703 voter signatures, those wacky 13th Ward bosses countered with 2,796 signature recisions. Now, we all know dead people vote in Chicago, but who knew they signed revocation affidavits, too!

And only 187 of those recisions actually matched a signator’s name!

So, every pundit, journalist and talking head in northern Illinois is losing their minds over it and demanding the kind of investigation that’d put those 90s ghost payroller convictions to shame. Please remind me! Was there a member of the Laurino family who wasn’t convicted?

Rest in peace, Tony!

C’mon! This is nothing new. I’ve been trying to tell you it ain’t clout that keeps Darth Madigan in power, it’s The Speaker’s unparalleled ground game that created that Democratic supermajority. Yes! Illinois has some rather onerous election requirements, but they and their remedies are equally available to all candidates.

And it isn’t the first time he’s done it, either.

When political upstart, Michelle Piszczor, vied for The Speaker’s 22nd District seat in 2012, a team followed her door-to-door acquiring a recision for every voter signature she got. But Piszczor remained on the ballot because her campaign manager, John Reeves of Oswego, was smart enough to use her as decoy while other volunteers secured the real paperwork.

Another favorite Madigan tactic is to insert a couple of minions into the County Clerk’s office on that fateful final nominating paperwork submission day. Armed with a slew of completed candidate packets, if an Hispanic, Polish or black candidate has the cojones to challenge he or a friend, those fine machine folks quickly add another Hispanic, Polish or black challenger into the mix.

They simply split the vote and The Speaker doesn’t even have to break an electoral sweat. And it’s perfectly legal, too.

Did his ward bosses screw up this time? You bet they did! But, despite what the media is trying to tell us, they didn’t break the law. Ah! But the frightened folks who rescinded their autographs from a document they didn’t sign did break the law. That’s what’s known in legal circles as committing perjury.

But if anyone thinks Ms. Foxx is going to prosecute 2,609 separate 13th Ward residents, then you’ve been drinking out of the Chicago River again. Some notaries could be in trouble, and if anyone resorted to forgery, they might wanna lawyer up, but The Speaker is good as gold.

His pride may have taken a hit, but I’m sure he’ll soon recover.

The irony of course is, they should’ve listened to Royko when he said his biggest regret was “peeling a grape with an ax.” Candidate Krupa couldn’t win a seat on the DePaul student council, much less muscle his way into that exclusive Chicago aldermen’s club.

But as a result of this fiasco, Krupa’s received the kind of press coverage that would generally cost him millions, and that’s just the kind of thing could send Quinn right back into his mother’s basement.


But, in an even greater irony, that very same media explosion uncovered a photograph of Krupa standing in front of a Chicago polling place waving a huge Trump flag and carrying a “Hillary for Prison 2016” sign. And no one in the eminently Democratic 13th is ever gonna go for that.

So, in the end, he’s toast anyway! Ah well! At least Krupa turned out to be every bit as entertaining as all the Chicago aldermen we’ve come to know and somewhat love.

So, Slats and Mike, fear not! In the words of that great philosopher Bob Seger, The City That Works is “still the same!” Ubi Est Mea, right Mike?


Quick Hits – December 12, 2018

Before you read the next two pieces, please keep in mind that I am, and always have been a social liberal. But unlike my conservative counterparts, I understand that affiliation gives me specific license to call out my own ilk whenever they misbehave. And let me tell you, a whole lot of liberals are gonna get a stocking full of coal this Christmas.

Please consider that vast Trumpian irony!


Baby it’s dumb outside

Just when I thought the rightwingnuts had the 2018 Snowflake Outrage Award trophy all sewn up, with just 20 days to go, liberals swooped in and took it right back.

If you recall, in late November, I presented conservatives with that not-so-highly-coveted award after they came down with a collective case of the vapors over Democratic Illinois State Rep Stephanie Kifowit’s poor choice of a metaphor.

They somehow seem to miss the fact that the President makes similarly silly statements on a daily basis.

But liberals just couldn’t be happy with their good fortune and let it go, could they? Nope! They had to prove they’re even worse that those tea partiers by going after my favorite classic holiday song, ‘Baby it’s Cold Outside.’

Baby it's cold outside

Referring to it as the ‘Christmas date rape song,’ progressive Ohio women everywhere insisted that Cleveland’s WDOK forever relegate that scurrilous song to history’s dust bin. And the station caved faster than Michael Cohen might melt in front a grand jury.

Of course, that chicken bleep PC move incited a slew of other stations to hop on the banning bandwagon, because none of us can thing for ourselves anymore.

Liberals! What have I told you about trying to apply a 2018 morality to a 1944 song? Just like trying to objectively view Christopher Columbus through today’s eyes, it can’t be done. All that song does is capture 40’s flirting when young women were expected to issue the appropriate protests before giving in to young men.

“But maybe just a half a drink more,” “At least I’m gonna say that I tried,” and “But maybe just a cigarette more?” Clearly, our charming young woman is interested in our dashing young man, if for no other reason than she stopped by his apartment on a rather cold and snowy winter’s eve.

Some leftwingnuts tried to say she’d been attending a party hosted by her impending paramour, but that’s only because they refuse to acknowledge her complicity in the mutual seduction. There is absolutely no mention of a soiree anywhere to be found in those suddenly-infamous lyrics.

“But Jeff! What about that salacious, ‘Say, what’s in this drink?’ line? That’s clearly a Cosby reference!”

While Bill Cosby was certainly alive back then, he was but a scant seven-year-old boy who could only dream of drugging and raping women.

The truth is, “What’s in this drink” was the 40s equivalent of “hold my beer.” It’s something you said when you were about to engage in an act for which you wanted to minimize the social and moral consequences.

And as is always the case when the left or the right self-righteously gets something banned, it incites a more than equal and opposite reaction. Renewed interest in the song has sent sales soaring and requests for radio airplay have skyrocketed! Why, the listener outcry was so fierce that every single silly station that banned it brought it back.

Prohibition always works so well, doesn’t it?

Ain’t it funny, and deliciously ironic, that these same liberal women have no problem with the 1953 classic, ‘Santa Baby,’ in which a sultry young woman purrs about all the magnificent gifts her menagerie of suitors are about to rain down on her.

And c’mon! What do y’all think “Hurry down the chimney tonight” really means?


PETA strikes again!

People for Eating Tasty Animals…I mean People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals could’ve been in the running for this year’s Snowflake Outrage Trophy award, but those cow huggers always seem to make some sort of silly holiday statement just to get their name back in the news.

And if you mean to do it, it doesn’t count. Remember when they tried to get the town of Turkey, Texas, to change their name to Tofurky, Texas?

Image result for peta biker gangs

This time, they’re trying to tell the rest of us sane folks that old saws like “bringing home the bacon,” “taking the bull by the horns,” and “being the Guinea pig” are just as bad as any homophobic or racist rant.

“Just as it became unacceptable to use racist, homophobic, or ableist language, phrases that trivialize cruelty to animals will vanish as more people begin to appreciate animals for who they are and start ‘bringing home the bagels’ instead of the bacon,” PETA somehow Tweeted with a straight face.

Please give me a minute so I can finally stop laughing and pry myself up off my home-office floor.

I know we’re going long here, but I figured I could kill two birds with one stone by covering both stories. Now, while a bird in the hand is certainly better, after running around like a chicken with its head cut off, I finally got my ducks in a row, though getting to the column finish line can be a lot like herding cats.

Since I’m no deer in the headlights, despite being busy as a beaver, I stopped chasing my tail long enough to address the fact that PETA is just another batshit crazy liberal group, which makes going after them somewhat akin to shooting fish in a barrel.

But apparently, these birds of feather flocking together makes them sitting ducks for the kind of satirical response that means I’d never look this gift horse in the mouth. I don’t understand why PETA let this cat out of the bag because it only makes them seem pig-headed and that really gets my goat.

They really oughtta let sleeping dogs lie.

Trust me, I won’t count my chickens, but like lambs to the slaughter, I always appreciate how PETA goes whole hog into this kind of absurdity just like a bat out of hell. In fact, I’ve been trying to tell them to stop putting the cart before the horse, but my wisdom always seems to fall like pearls before swine.

Apparently, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.

I realize PETA has long-since jumped the shark and they won’t change their leopard-like spots even if hell gets cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey, so why beat a dead horse?

You seriously can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a liberal with too much time on their hands and too many bats in their belfry these days.