What's all this fuss I'm hearing about gay marriage?

What's all this fuss I'm hearing about gay marriage?

Shouldn’t people be happy when they march to the altar? Do we really want depressed couples saying “I do.” Not allowing gay marriage will only make the divorce rate worse – not better!
I can hear that young Chevy Chase now. “No Emily. Not gay marriage. Same-sex marriage.”
“Oh! That’s very different. Never mind!” litella
So, in light of the Supreme Court’s recent decision to consider this very issue, I thought  it would be fun to re-post one of my favorite columns. Please enjoy:
Oh Elgin! I’ve grown so enamored of you over the past two years (it’s been that long!) and now you have to go and do this. I thought we’d already sorted this thing out and moved on. But no! That reader web poll proved we’re still hung up on this whole gay marriage thing.
On the one hand, I was thrilled to see 20,000 folks wading into the Internet fray, but on the other, I refuse to believe that 18,000 of you still think same-sex marriage should be illegal. Unless our fun friends at AFLA have been clicking their mice for hours (I wouldn’t put it past ’em), that 90 percent opposition rate is pretty hard to ignore.
What is it, Elgin? Is it the idea of two guys getting together in “that way?” (We know it’s not two women). Was it that ridiculous “Brokeback Mountain” movie? I don’t particularly care to see that kind of thing myself, but then again, the thought of any of my portly, middle-aged neighbors engaging in a carnal act scares me so much more.
Is it jealousy? Are we stereotypical slovenly straight males so threatened by a subset of the species that’s physically fit, can actually dress themselves and sing in tune that we won’t let them get married out of spite? I still say if you really want to punish homosexuals, then give them a shot at “wedded bliss.”
I have a hunch some of you think if we legalize same-sex marriage, they’ll set up a gay recruiting station in your neighborhood. I’m sure most of you shower on a regular basis and, like me, by sheer random happenstance, occasionally wear color-coordinated clothing. But considering Elgin’s ranking as the fattest city in Illinois, I’m not so sure we have to worry about the opposite sex coming on to us.
Please tell me it can’t be that silly “sanctity of marriage” argument, because we’ve already dismissed that pandering political sentiment. With 60 percent of married men and 40 percent of wedded women engaging in extracurricular activities, what kind of collateral damage could gay marriage possibly do? If given the green light, gays might fare far better than the current 50 percent divorce rate, because they don’t have to worry about offspring driving them to the brink of insanity.
It can’t be the Bible, can it? We already ignore Biblical caveats like Beatles haircuts (Leviticus 19:27), touching a pig, astrology, tattoos, wearing polyester (Leviticus 19:19), divorce, eating shellfish, and my all-time favorite: having your wife defend you from an attacker by grabbing his testicles (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)! You just can’t pick and choose when it comes to Bible bans. Though I will say the Big Dude was on to something with the whole polyester thing.
Please don’t tell me same-sex marriage will lead to other “perversions” like bigamy, because I can’t think of anything more terrifying than having multiple wives. The mere thought of a mistress makes me want to run and hide in my crawl space. Any rational man already knows that one woman is punishment enough and to compound that misery with another is pure folly.
Is it the whole undermining western civilization thing? We’ve survived ice ages, wars, famine, disco music, American Idol and Sarah Palin’s thoughts on Sputnik, so I find it hard to believe that two guys choosing a china pattern at Crate & Barrel could be the final straw.
C’mon! Haven’t we already determined that homosexuality isn’t an option? If it were, considering all the wonderful ramifications, what self-respecting high-schooler would ever “choose” to be gay? And if it isn’t a choice, doesn’t denying a minority a right the rest of us enjoy put us on a par with all the rest of history’s nitwits?
Do we really want our great-grandchildren to lump us in with the Neanderthals that wouldn’t let black folks or women vote, turned dogs on civil rights marchers, thought the Irish were barbarians or opposed mixed marriages? I still love you, Elgin (platonically, of course), but sometimes you do disappoint me.
Come to think of it, if God did create “Adam and Steve,” perhaps we’d still be living in paradise, because neither one of them would’ve touched that apple. As any Elginite will readily attest, guys will avoid eating anything even remotely good for you.

One thought on “What's all this fuss I'm hearing about gay marriage?

  1. I have always believed that same-sex couples should have to go through the institutional marital grinder the same as we straight couples do. WHY should they get a free pass and be exempt from this?

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