Quick Hits – May 21, 2018

Quick Hits – May 21, 2018

It ain’t a conspiracy, man!

Since the Elgin Courier-News can’t break any real news stories, just like the Daily Herald does, they’re making it up as they go along. And their latest Sunday effort is that the U-46 school board is engaging in the kind of collusion conspiracy that puts President Combover’s Russian problem to shame.

Yes! The Courier claims that something nefarious is afoot because that sly school board only interviewed 10 of the 17 applicants to replace a recently departed board member.

I really wanted to swear a blue streak here, but since so many of you have said it’s unbecoming of a journalist of my vast stature, I will do my bleepin’ best to maintain some sense of decorum. No fucking promises!

U46 board

First, those seven candidates should sacrifice a virgin to the political gods in gratitude for their vast good fortune. What have I been telling you for years, class? That’s right! “Threatening to vote someone off a school board is like threatening to stop beating them with a 2 by 4.”

You don’t get paid, it’s not a jumping off point for any other office, it takes an incredible amount of time, and you’re dealing with parents’ two most precious commodities – their children and their money. So, it’s the quintessential no-win situation.

An astute friend was asked to apply for that position, and to his credit, he was far too wise to take them up on it. Perhaps my threat to start beating him with a 2 by 4 had he accepted had something to do with it, too.

Second, the U-46 school board is under NO obligation to interview each and every replacement contender. What if 50 hopefuls had applied? Was the board supposed to summarily suspend all operations just so they could get to each and every one?

If it was up to me, I would’ve used those resumes to narrow that group down to three finalists before sitting down with any of ‘em.

There’s no conspiracy here people! It’s just another case of another Courier-News reporter who has no bleepin’ clue as to how it really works. Please move along.


I’m gonna propose to Crain’s Greg Hinz

The fact that I’m not gay notwithstanding.

Why I am I suddenly so enamored of my fellow political writer, you ask? Because today, he correctly warned Illinois Democratic gubernatorial nominee, J. B. Pritzker, that his “I’m not the other guy” campaign strategy ain’t gonna work.

That’s something I’ve been trying to tell candidates for more than a decade to absolutely no avail.

Greg Hinz
Greg Hinz

Hinz also propitiously postulated that Pritzker is paying heed to those campaign folks who insistently whisper that he’s got this one in the bag. While it will certainly be difficult for Governor Bruce Rauner to prevail in light of State Sen. Sam McCann entering the race as a conservative third party spoiler, as that old baseball pitcher adage goes, any man with a bat in his hands is a dangerous man.

Don’t forget that Rauner has more money than God.

For incontrovertible evidence of Hinz’ theory, look no further than State Sen. Bill Brady’s 2010 loss to the likes of Governor Pat Quinn. Brady also ran on an “I’m not the other guy” platform, which gave the Quinn team the opening to paint him as a loony conservative and he quickly became an also ran.

Who could forget those incredibly effective “Who is Bill Brady” commercials that sealed his fate with female voters.

J. B! We know you’re not the other guy – you’re not nearly as tall as Bruce and you might want to start putting the fork down. If you don’t start running scared and getting YOUR message out so you control YOUR conversation, you will join Mr. Brady in the ranks of unduly overconfident Illinois politicians who blew a sure thing.

Thank you, for semi-restoring my faith in journalism Mr. Hinz!


And speaking of Governor Rauner…

So now, despite his demonstrably Democratic wife, he’s suddenly pro-death penalty? In a political ploy even more see-through than a Kim Kardashian evening gown, Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner suddenly wants to reinstate the death penalty for mass shooters and cop killers.

Thankfully, unless you count the Brown’s Chicken and Lane Bryant robbery massacres, Illinois hasn’t really been subjected to this violent plague. The Northern Illinois University tragedy being the clear exception, of course.


And a death penalty threat will in no way deter anyone already bent on going out in a blaze of glory, or someone who thinks that killing a police officer might be a good idea.

Once again, Governor Rauner is proposing a solution in search of a solvable problem.

Bruce! Is this the best you can do? A half-hearted attempt to rile that conservative base that Jeanne Ives proved has long since abandoned you? You still aren’t listening to anyone but yourself, are you?

Like two gentlemen stuck at a building entrance repeating “after you!,” it will be fascinating to watch Rauner and Pritzker do their damndest to hand each other the race. If they’re not careful, State Sen McCann might just pull off the upset of the century.


And speaking of transparent ploys…

In an effort to stave off his impending impeachment, White House Agent Orange is demanding the Department of Justice investigate his claim that President Barack Obama inserted a “spy” into his 2016 election campaign.

That tweet went as follows:

“I hereby demand, and will do so officially tomorrow, that the Department of Justice look into whether or not the FBI/DOJ infiltrated or surveilled the Trump Campaign for Political Purposes – and if any such demands or requests were made by people within the Obama Administration!”

Though it will probably give you a migraine, for just a brief moment, let’s engage in the kind of flight of fancy that generally requires the influence of opiates and give this insipid male bovine manure maneuver some actual credence.


I apologize in advance for making you do that.

First, it would seem that Mr. Trump forgot that he won the election. That means our “mole” has got to be one of the least effective spies in the history of politics. And second, if our “spy” had previous knowledge of Russian collusion, don’t you think the Democrats would’ve broadcast it from every 2016 street corner in the county?

Sadly, President Cofeve knows that all he has to do is mention the black guy and his base will rally to him like norovirus infected folks on a sinking cruise liner. But this isn’t an election and that ain’t gonna save him this time. Enjoy the White House while you can Mr. Trump!

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