Quick Hits – September 27, 2019

Quick Hits – September 27, 2019

It ain’t just yellow cars!

I took some crap for the column on my son’s new yellow car being the proximate cause of a sudden flurry of traffic tickets. I will grudgingly give some of you credit for pointing out that yellow cars’ relative rarity tends to draw attention, but I still firmly believe the police believe they contain an Hispanic driver.

And I know this, because I surveyed a number of Latino elected officials who unanimously agreed with my amarillo theory. And they should know!

I’m also a bit baffled by the bleeps who summarily said my son was a lousy driver. Not too judgmental, are we? As his attorney pointed out in court yesterday, despite driving 20,000 annual miles, until this year, he’s had a stellar driving record. The only thing that’s changed is the color of his car.

And speaking of court, given that he’s in the process of getting his license restored, I drove him to the Kane County Branch Court on Randall Road yesterday morning for the St. Charles, Illinois, call where I discovered yet more evidence of my law enforcement bias theory.

Yes! Unlike my adoring throng, I deal in hard evidence and not just flappin’ gums!

The first thing I noticed was 60 percent of those in the waiting area were minorities, with 66 percent of them being Hispanic. Think about that for a minute! St. Charles is 88 percent Caucasian, 5.5 percent Hispanic and 1.7 percent African American, which means that courtroom may be the only place on the planet where minorities are vastly overrepresented.

minority traffic stops

Please don’t give me any bleep about Hispanics and blacks being bad drivers because I’ve seen the kind of havoc you white folks wreak on traffic. It’s far from pretty. White men can’t jump, and they can’t turn left, either.

We won’t count non-Indian Asians because we all know they can’t drive.

Though I’m sure they’ll take this the wrong way because the men in blue tend to be somewhat sensitive, I’m not picking on the St. Charles Police Department. Geneva is far worse in this regard while Batavia is about the same. And don’t tell me minorities had a bad week because I’ve been in that building enough to know those stilted statistics hold true for any Tri-Cities traffic court call.

So, if there’s absolutely no law enforcement bias, as so many of you insisted, how is it that Latinos are “invited” to appear before the judge at 7.2 times their demographic rate with blacks and Asian-Indians appearing 5 times more often than they should?

That’s what we journalists call a statistically significant bias.

Don’t try to tell me that white folks simply plead guilty and pay their fine online without proof of that possibility, or, trust me, I will hunt you down and call you a name.

And then my Caucasian compatriots have the nerve to wonder why militant minority groups like Black Lives Matter exist and minorities quickly learn to despise the police.


Now the press is doing it?

So, an Iowa man, through a fascinating beer promotion, raised more than one million dollars for an Iowa children’s hospital with Anheuser-Busch donating $350,000 of that amount. They also created beer cans with this gentleman’s gleaming visage, referred to him as an “Iowa Legend,” and promised him free beer for life.

It’s the kind of feel-good story we could all use as the Trump era sputters to its inevitable tragic conclusion. But because a Des Moines Register reporter didn’t quite see it that way, there ain’t no happy ending.

The first thing this sad excuse for a journalist did was review our fundraiser’s social media history, and as it turns out, when our 24-year-old hero was 16, he managed to unleash some rather racist and homophobic tweets.

Of course, as is par for the 2019 course, Anheuser-Busch cut him loose, there will be no free beer, and our fundraiser is being forced to go on the liberal hand wringing and uncontrollably weeping apology tour:

Obviously, I’ve made mistakes in my past; everyone has, and I really hope people see at this point in my life, I’ve grown, I’m caring, I’m generous. I hope that’s what people focus on.”

First, this is exactly why the term “fake news” has caught on and why so many people generally despise and distrust the media. Had I attempted to do what the Des Moines Register just did when toiling for the Sun-Times, Managing Editor Rick Nagel would’ve had my ass in a sling.

And second, HE WAS BLEEPIN’ 16!


That doesn’t mean what he did was right, but have any of y’all ever dealt with 16-year-old boys? It’s a truly terrifying prospect, particularly if they’re your own children! Their brains aren’t fully developed, they have boundless misdirected energy, impulse control is nonexistent, and they tend to come up with some rather fascinating ideas and execute them without a second thought.

Considering every adult male on this planet was once 16, I’m completely confounded by our species’ continued survival. We should’ve gone extinct the first time a group of teenage boys decided that throwing a rock at a sleeping sabre tooth tiger was a good idea.

So, this man raised more that a million dollars for a hospital, something 99.9999 percent of us could never be bothered with, and now he’s being excoriated as a homophobic racist? Could the press and liberals possibly suck any more than they do right now?

Please don’t answer that, because it would be far too depressing.

But then, in one of the most delicious ironies I’ve ever seen, irate Register readers uncovered a series of homophobic and racist Tweets by the reporter who “broke” the story, and the paper just fired him. Truth really is far stranger than fiction.

Iowans! If you haven’t already, please cancel your subscription to the Register, or better yet, move out of Iowa because there’s more to life that dirt, corn and cows. I’d add that I will no longer drink Anheuser-Busch products, but I don’t drink them now because they’re some of the worst concoctions on the market.

Budweiser? There’s a reason they put those Clydesdales in their commercials.

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