Ken Toftoy certainly has a way with words

Please don’t get me wrong, We’re not trying to pick on Kendall County Coroner Ken Toftoy too much here – I actually like the guy. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of shaking his hand, then you know it’s hard not to like him. 
But after Matt Schury’s piece on the Kendall coroner’s race in today’s Ledger-Sentinel (it’s not on the Net yet), Kenny might want enroll in the Jeff Ward school of how to speak to the press. Although, when you consider all the money he’s spent sending coroner deputies to firearms classes, it might not be in his budget.
In yet another case of the truth vastly outweighing the peculiarities of fiction, this is what Ken told Schury:
“For less than a buck and a half I come to your house and take care of whatever might have happened – if it’s a natural death or your dad hung himself in the garage.”
Of course, Ken’s referring to the $1.36 EVERY Kendall County household remits to the coroner in property taxes. But now I’ll pause for a few minutes while you take that whole sentence in…
First, if you remember the old Newhart show, it sounds an awful lot like Larry, Darryl, and Darryl’s “Anything for a Dollar” business. Heck! At those prices, I’d call the coroner to come out and remove my dead leaves, a skunk that got trapped under the porch, or a dead relative
And second, wouldn’t that melodic and poetic prose translate into the best campaign mailer ever?
I can see it now! Four weeping children surrounding their father’s lifeless body as it slowly swings from the garage rafters – right next to the blue Honda Accord. Enter a smiling Ken Toftoy pulling a gurney behind him as he hands the oldest child a bill for a buck fifty.
Don’t it just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? I know it makes me all teary eyed.
God bless you Ken Toftoy, not only for giving me something to write about, but for making the late Mayor Daley senior’s horrific malapropisms suddenly seem reasonable.