Women need to stop apologizing!

Women need to stop apologizing!

Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths – Lois Wyse

As it is with many aspects of life’s rich pageant, there are of-wondrous phenomenon that apply directly to the art of opinion column writing.

One particularly fascinating facet is, whenever a newly posted piece receives a slew of initial compliments, like clockwork, the dementors inevitably descend upon it to tear the author apart. It’s as if they believe they can mitigate their own persistent failures by attacking another’s success.

In the end, these folks are just a subset of the insipid Cancel Culture.

Then there’s the dynamic that occurs when a column forces a more fragile reader to reconsider their world view. Since that kind of thing always makes them uncomfortable they’ll swiftly scour the piece in an effort to come up with a paragraph with which they can virulently disagree and thus, dismiss the author and the entire piece outright.

It was this paragraph in Tuesday’s piece on the St. Charles Library that caused that kind of consternation:

Because this culture persists in its pernicious efforts to teach young girls to be perpetually deferential, this dynamic disproportionately affects women who tend to go truly overboard at their first sniff of even the mildest power.

But there are those rare cases when a reader puts forth a truly cogent question. Though our conversation got off to a bit of a rocky start, a young woman asked me this eminently reasonable question:

I simply find it exceptionally frustrating that, in this day and age, the narrative you penned still exists. The first part of your paragraph I agree with, but it’s simply a set up to ‘women go wild with power.’ Perhaps that was not your intent, but it’s how it reads and I think it’s fair to point it out.

No! It was not my intent to say “women go wild with power.” My intent, as indicated by the remainder of the piece, was to describe how people who’ve never had a taste of power tend to overreact when they finally do. And that phenomenon can be particularly true of women who, to this day, are taught to be deferential from they’re born.

And it’s that insidiously inculcated toxic deference that drives me nuts. We need to teach young girls they’re entitled to whatever space the occupy on this planet. Here are some examples of what I speak.

Three weeks ago, after checking out at the Batavia Trader Joes, as I turned to leave with my single bag I found myself walking behind a 30-ish woman pushing her cart along the same narrow exit aisle. Despite offering absolutely no indication I was impatient or in hurry, this woman abruptly “pulled over” and said, “I’m sorry,” ostensibly allowing me to pass.

Confused, I said, “Why are you apologizing? I’m in no rush and it’s not like you were blocking the aisle.” Offering a quizzical looked, she replied, “Well, I’m sure you’re faster than me,” to which I answered, “After yesterday’s Rouvy workout, I wouldn’t be so sure.”

She laughed at that, but when it became apparent she wasn’t going to move, I finally did go around her, but the whole interaction left a bad taste in my mouth. Why would anyone defer to me, or anyone, for no good reason?

Similarly, there’s nothing sadder than listening to the litany of “I’m sorrys” issued by a woman attempting to exit a row seats at the Paramount theater. C’mon! Unless you’ve gone back and forth seven times in the last 20 minutes, we understand the price of sitting near the end of a row. Apologies are utterly unnecessary.

Thankfully, I no longer have to attend business meetings, but we’ve all been at one of those conferences where one or more of the women involved preface everything they say with “I’m sorry, but…” before offering their opinion. It’s as if they’re apologizing for simply being there.

A number of studies have shown that men will apologize when they believe it’s required, but women will “apologize” when no apology is necessary.

Ironically, the morning before this social media question was issued, I’d discussed this topic a prominent local female attorney who’s raising a stellar teenage daughter. Here’s how she explained it:

Girls are taught to cross their legs, be thin, be quiet, and not to take up too much space from an early age. We’re taught to be the peacemakers and to smooth things over regardless of the personal cost. It’s not just parents, but society as a whole that teaches us that and those are ‘lessons’ are very difficult to overcome.

She also told her daughter to make a scene if anyone tries to make any kind of inappropriate move in public because that will swiftly put an end to it.

Shouldn’t every daughter be taught that? Think about all the young Olympic gymnasts who not only endured Larry Nasser’s abuse but were subsequently dismissed by the FBI because they were taught “not to make a scene.” But after two brave women finally “made a scene” by filing lawsuits, Nasser will be spending the rest of his life in jail.

I’m not nearly the only one who’s noted this over-apologetic dynamic, either. Issue a simple “why do women apologize so much” Google search and you will soon be inundated with all manner of articles and studies on this subject.

So, yes! I stand by the point made in the previous column. So, is it really a surprise when a woman who’s deferred to everyone else her entire life finally gets a taste of power and that imbalance explodes forth? It’s like anything else in this existence. If you’ve never been prepared for an experience it likely won’t go very well the first time. And I’m consistently amazed by the number of women who’ve told me they can’t stand working for a female boss.

So, there you have it. My too-lengthy explanation for a paragraph that was simply intended as a brief aside. My fondest wish? It’s that parents start teaching their daughters that being deferential in every circumstance is not in the job description and they have every right to their voice and “space” in this often-perilous existence.

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