Truth is stranger than fiction, but it’s because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; truth isn’t. – Mark Twain
Despite being dead wrong too many times in this regard, I’m gonna risk saying it again. “You can’t make this shit up!” And I’m reapplying that old saw, because at this sad point, I can’t imagine what Chairman Andro Lerario and his Kane County Republican minions could possibly come up with next.
So, please gird your loins, get your scorecards out, and pour yourself a LARGE glass of whatever alcoholic beverage is close at hand because you’re going to need all three.
We all knew the KC GOP wasn’t about to take their November 5th drubbing sitting down. But considering how the Grand Cheeto prevailed, “their stop the steal” options were severely limited. Much like Bill Maher explained that every new religion (Scientology) has to be crazier than the last, those goofy Kane GOPers realized they had to surpass their previous clownish efforts to get the attention they so desperately crave.
And particularly as a journalist, I’m pleased to say they did just that! There’s a certain solace in knowing you can always count on certain folks to go all out in these culturally trying times. I thought nothing could top the blowhard Lerario, who bitches that his own mother is out to get him, owing 42 grand in back taxes.
This time it started with a purported Chinese – not Japanese, South Korean, or Filipino – voter casting a ballot at the Gilbert’s Eagles Club polling place. Word on the Republican street was he returned a scant two hours later demanding the return of his ballot because he’d voted illegally.
Isn’t that always the case? You really have to keep an eye on those 365.5 KC Chinese voters because you never know when they’re going to subvert the next election. And whenever I think “Asian voter fraud,” the first place that comes to mind is the highly Republican Village of Gilberts because that’s exactly where you’d go to get away with it.
That “revelation” led to yet more swirling rumors involving imaginary migrant busloads descending on various polling places throughout the county.
In the words of the great philosopher, Don Henly, “Are you with me so far?”
Considering the current circumstances this may be hard to believe, but there are a slew of “normal” KC Republicans who despise the current Party leadership and their absurdly self-destructive MAGA trajectory. One such despondent individual decided it would be amusing to troll Lerario and his hapless flying monkeys with the “photograph” directly below.
It purportedly depicts a bus, complete with Harris-Walz signs, unloading its cargo of migrant passengers at the Elgin Township polling place to ostensibly assert their same-day voting privileges and vote Democratic. Why else would they be there?
Call me crazy, but I don’t think we’ll need Kickstarter to finance a digital forensic expert to prove the photo’s a fake. It’s five steps below lo-res, the pavement sections don’t match up, and if those are real Harris-Walz signs, someone seriously needs to consider coming up with a new printing service.
But when the KC GOP brain trust got a hold of it, they came to the only logical conclusion – County Clerk Jack Cunningham had conspired with Chairman Corinne Pierog to import busloads of migrants to “steal” the 2024 election.
So, Lerario, former chairman candidate and complete loon Lance Bell, village idiot county board member David Young, and Party Secretary Pam Carr schemed to invade Cunningham’s office and insist that Bell be rightfully inserted into the chairmanship position. And since they were on a mission from God, they weren’t about to take “nyet” for an answer.
But before they as much as stepped out the side door of their supersecret mother’s basement clubhouse, one GOPer suggested that, if they were intent on overturning the election, why not start with the coroner’s race where the Republican lost by just 4,688 votes.
All I can say is I truly wish I was applying my trademark satire and hyperbole here, but sadly, I’m not. Because the quick consensus was they couldn’t possibly help Rob Russell because he’s a Freemason, and Freemasons are devil worshipers. As crazy as that is, it might go a long way towards explaining why the letters in honorary Freemason Ronald Wilson Reagan’s name add up to 666.
So, they decided to take up self-proclaimed biblical prophet Lance Bell’s cause, instead. No irony there, right? Just for reference purposes, considering the average tour bus seats 50, it would’ve taken 220 of ‘em to do Lance in by an 11,000-vote margin. Perhaps they were using a new stealth technology.
But our cockamamy cabal wasn’t finished yet!
They’d unilaterally determined that Cunningham’s general kindness was nothing more than a clever façade intended to deflect them from their sacred pursuit of truth, justice, and the American way. So, they concocted a plan to be so obnoxious that Jack would have no choice but to kick them out of his office, which is exactly what they did, and exactly what he did.
But now they have all the “proof” they need that Jack is out to get them!
And I’ll swear on a stack of Trump bibles that I’m not making any of this up because, aside from Larry David, who could possibly come up with this story on their own?
It would almost be hilarious if it ended here, but we both know the terrifying truth is we haven’t heard the end of the Three Amigos (Lerario, Bell, and Young) in this mythological regard. The courts will likely be their next step, and considering your average 16th Circuit judge, God knows what might happen.
This is what your Kane County Republican Party has come down to. They’re a bunch of sniveling cowards disguised as bullies who, like their fearless leader, believe whatever they’ve been thinking for the last five minutes is the truth. All they’re capable of is wasting everyone’s time with the kind of baseless accusations that wouldn’t make it past a remedial third grader.
And once again, I will lay these newest follies squarely at the feet of Treasurer Chris Lauzen. He’s the one who “appointed” Lerario, supported Young, and embraced the “Stop the Steal” movement, recreating the Kane County Republican Party in his own snarling, feuding, incompetent, and conspiratorial image.
Just like it was with Nero, emboldened by his handiwork, Lauzen simply sits back and laughs as the once proud Party descends into an embarrassingly unelectable quagmire that’s capable of nothing but abject stupidity.
Nice job, Chris! So, what are you going to do for an encore?
Jeff you are once again so wrong on our local patriots the MAGA Republicans. I am fairly certain you have fallen under the influence of George Soro’s money
The election was undermined by RINO Cunningham. Yes there where more Chinese then ever voting and many many voted multiple times. See they are sneaky and they all look alike and have funny names and their signatures all look like #€¥ so they vote often. As to the illegals I saw them all over in the morning you could tell they were up to no good they had leaf blowers to blow away Republican ballots and trimmers and o cut up ballots and the where at Cunninghams lawn. so there. I have proved you wrong. God told me that his and now with his blessing and that of Gods son C Lauzen I will run for County Board President. Repent before too late