Since some of you bleeps love to read just the column title and summarily dismiss the rest of the piece, please let me preempt your prejudicial practice by stridently declaring I’m as socially liberal as they come – with exception of firmly believing in personal responsibility.
Ironically, the lack thereof is one of the few things that regularly brings conservatives and progressives together. With that stipulation out of the way, let’s proceed!
On August 31, the city of Boston, Massachusetts, will play host to the first ever Straight Pride Parade, and just like those impending Fourth of July fireworks, liberal heads have been serially exploding since the event organizers won a lawsuit forcing Beantown to issue a parade permit.
So, now I’m going to type really slowly so progressives can finally see the abundance of humor permeating this rather preposterous proposition.
First, the group planning the parade calls themselves “Super Happy Fun America” which sounds a lot more like a Japanese toothpaste marketing campaign slogan than a white supremacist group. I know this because the average white supremacist’s sense of humor sits somewhere south of the liberal variety.
Second, parade organizer John Hugo prefaced the one-of-a-kind event with, “Perhaps one day straights will be honored with inclusion and the acronym will be LGBTQS. Until that time, we have no other choice but to host our own events.”
“I’ll stake Satire for $600, Alex!”
Third, SHFA whose motto is “It’s Great to be Straight,” not only enlisted a gay parade ambassador, but they slated openly gay conservative activist Milo Yiannopoulos to be the grand marshal. And the only thing gayer than Yiannopoulos is Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ video.
Lastly, three parade organizers recently received suspicious envelopes in the mail only to discover they contained glitter. Now, I generally wouldn’t recommend speciously getting the FBI involved in anything, but that really is freakin’ hilarious. Hey! It’s a lot better than Chicago aldermen bombing their own ward office just to get more press.
C’mon liberals! It’s a joke, and it’s a really good one, too. It’s the kind of satire and hyperbole that has Andy Kaufmann laughing his ass off from the great beyond. Please tell me you understand that this is not an attack on your version of morality or your generally delicate sensibilities.
Considering that we white males are kinda down and out right now – you know – toxic masculinity, microaggressions, Ellen, hostile college campuses, Colin Kaepernick, priestly pedophiles, Oprah, Betsy Ross flag Nikes, and Bruce…I mean Caitlyn Jenner, this is a far better response to a cultural sea change than anything the Republican Party would typically concoct.
With some notable exceptions, we’re not all cads!
Though I’m getting a little old for them, I love Pride Parades. They’re a blast! Our LGBTQRXZ and sometimes Y brothers and sisters really know how to celebrate something. But having been to more than my share, to some degree, they’re a lot more about getting stoned and acting accordingly than they are about any kind of pride.
So, why should anyone be surprised if someone wants to have a little fun with the entire concept?
In that very vein, were I a proud member of the LGBTQ community, I’d immediately co-opt the event by coming up with a float that makes blistering fun of straight folks which really wouldn’t prove to be all that difficult.
It would start with a shirtless Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin kissing, move onto some portly middle-aged white men wearing white v-neck t-shirts, plaid Bermuda shorts, and sweat socks with black sandals, and end with every anti-gay activist who eventually got caught in a “compromising” position.
As I tell my wife, who still hasn’t quite figured out my wonderful sense of humor after all these years, just go along with the joke because it always makes it more fun. That kind of attitude would actually bring people together as opposed to further driving a wedge between the two communities.
Put more simply, the best way to ensure the Straight Pride Parade’s success is for progressives to spend every waking hour railing against it, or to stage an utterly unnecessary and counterproductive counter-protest. Liberals! For once in your fricken’ self-righteous, guilt ridden, existential angst riddled, and miserable self-loathing lives, please prove you actually have a sense of humor.