Hey adoring throng! Please don’t start expecting a daily Quick Hits because it ain’t gonna happen. It’s just that the local news is coming hot and heavy right now, and as you already know, only I can provide the appropriate analysis.
Although, if the Daily Herald can start begging their readers for cash, perhaps I should do the same. At least you’ll get your money’s worth out of me!
Why does the phrase “no shame” suddenly come to mind?
Just when you think you’ve bleepin’ seen it all, there I was, reading long-time Chicago media columnist Rob Feder’s ‘Robservations’ this morning, when I realized those ancient Greeks were dead wrong! On occasion, there really is something new under the sun.
And that “something” is John Lampinen, Senior Vice President of the Daily Herald, in the worst possible GoFundMe panhandling tradition, begging readers to pony up half the cash for three new reporters! The only thing missing were the sunglasses, the wheeled cart with leg-hiding blanket, and a sign reading “A grateful war veteran thanks you!”
(Google Eddie Murphy Philistines!)
“These additions will greatly help us better cover the suburbs,” Lampinen said, “They will beef up local coverage following the historic challenges the newspaper industry has confronted for the last decade.”
According to Rob, “Report For America will provide half of the funding for three reporters and another for Paddock Publications’ Southern Illinois operation. Donations are tax deductible.”
This of course begs the question, if you can’t get people to pay for your newspaper, how in the bleep are you going to get them to paying for your staff – which isn’t a one-time expense, by the way!
And isn’t the Daily Herald a for-profit proposition? Will there be profit-sharing for people gullible enough to contribute? Have I mentioned the whole “no shame” thing already?
Why would the Daily Herald need more reporters to not break the stories they’re already not breaking? And why would we pay for more reporters so we could not read more stories than we’re already not reading?
How about actually performing some real journalism and due diligence instead? Oh, that’s right! But breaking real stories requires real sources and developing sources means sacrificing short-term gain (Internet hits) for a greater long-term benefit.
You see, when you earn a reasonable reputation and you work at developing sources, if you do it long enough, the sources will start coming to you!
I’m so flippin’ tired of hearing about “the historic challenges the newspaper industry has confronted” when virtually every one of those “challenges” is just another self-inflicted wound that an ADHD sixth grader could’ve predicted. Even the Chicago Tribune is begging for some sort of billionaire savior to rescue them from Aiden Global Capital’s slash and burn management methodology
How about, God forbid, instead of perpetual whining, those publishers actually decided to try something different? Holy bleep! If they were covering a government entity that refused to accept reality by continuing to engage in the same endeavor while magically expecting a different result, those papers would bleepin’ tear them a new one!
But no! They can’t possibly apply the same sort of scrutiny to themselves! If those Tribune writers put half that effort into outside-of-the-box writing and analysis, they wouldn’t have to face fending off a poor suitor. Pay the Daily Herald to hire new reporters so I can further pay them to read their non-stories? I think not, Dear Readers!
And I fervently hope you’re not stupid enough to fall for this, either!
A number of folks have been pressing me to monetize this blog for the last two years. Considering this non-starter, I think it may be time!
Don’t Worry, Dalton’s getting moved!
Ye really do have little faith, don’t you? Despite my generally applied due diligence almost always bearing fruit, the second some of you bleeps hear something slightly askew, you insist on coming straight at me with some scurrilous suspicions that either I or my sources suck.
But as it turns out, that miserable excuse for a human being known as Kane County Judge John Dalton will not be removed from family court on 1/24 as originally indicated, but he will be removed! The hitch in our courtroom rotation giddyap is the unclear arrival date of Kane County’s newest associate judge.
If, God forbid, our elected men and women in black choose the Kane County State’s Attorney’s chief felony prosecutor Bill Engerman, the move will come sooner rather than later because his position will be filled quite quickly.
Conversely, if Aurora attorney Reggie Campbell gets the nod, the more likely possibility, he’ll need at least a month to settle his law practice. Once his clients are taken care of, he’d likely be seated sometime around March 1.
So, if you have a pending appearance before the only man on the planet who makes Donald Trump look good, file a motion for a continuance – don’t ask for one in court because the sadistic Dalton certainly won’t grant it. A formal motion is no guarantee, either, but it gives you a far better shot.
And since we’re talking, my sources tell me the new courtroom 101 judge will be The Honorable Julia Yetter who’s developed quite a decent reputation in her very short time on the bench.
Please understand, SHE WILL NOT AUTOMATICALLY AND IMMEDIATELY OVERTURN ALL OF DALTON’S PREVIOUS RULINGS. Please provide her with an opportunity to become familiar with your case, provide EVIDENCE to support any new motion you or your attorney might make, and please, please, please, make it clear that you have the best interest of your children in mind.
Judges do respond positively to that kind of approach.
Now I want to hear a collective apology from all you doubting Thomas’s. I’m waiting…
A small request!
You know I love to see all those Geneva Women’s March photographs particularly because they stir the political soul, but because it was wayyyyy too bleepin’ cold and icy for my bony white butt to be out there.
So, let’s briefly take stock!
As if to prove it exists, the good Lord Herself seems intent upon sending swift proof of climate change every time you ladies take to the streets! Last time it was a polar vortex, and this one was beset by rapidly descending temperatures, ice, windchills hitting two degrees above absolute zero, and heavy wet snow that clearly came from the core of a distant neutron star.
With all of that noted, would it be too much to ask y’all to move these semi-regular marches to July? I’d even settle for April if your busy schedules would permit it. That way I’d be more than happy to join you and cover the march it directly.
Thank you for your time and consideration. Please let me know if that works for all of you!