Quick Hits – February 9, 2018

I ain’t afraid of no snow!

We shut everything down for this? How am I going to show my face in Atlanta again? How are we hearty Midwesterners going to maintain our solid superiority over anything southern? (Actually, they don’t make it very difficult.)

Oh, the ignominy (look it up) of giving in to a little snow.

Worse yet, my entire family is home today which means no ‘Stone in Love” at full blast while I’m writing, which really sucks.

Meanwhile, at 8:45 a.m., using my official yellow yardstick, I officially determined we had 4.5 inches of snow at Casa del Ward on the West Side of Geneva. And it might’ve topped out at just above 5 inches. That hardly a blizzard makes.

So, I’m officially calling school back into session, get your ass out of bed and get to work, pick up my damn garbage, and show your disdain for Mother Nature’s pitiful attempt at a winter storm by rolling around in the white stuff buck nekkid.

To quote that great philosopher Khan Noonien Singh quoting Melville, “To the last, I grapple with thee; From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee; For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee.”

Or as Jeff Ward might say, “Mother Nature! Is that all you fuckin’ got?

Since we’re waxing poetic…

When Yeats wrote:

Turning and turning in the widening gyre

The falcon cannot hear the falconer;

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,

The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere

The ceremony of innocence is drowned;

The best lack all conviction, while the worst

Are full of passionate intensity.

How could he have possibly foreseen the 2018 Illinois gubernatorial race? Because just when I thought it can’t possibly get any worse or any more futile, it does just that.

Not only has Democratic frontrunner J. B. Pritzker spent $42 million to tie with “undecided” voters at a scant 27 percent, but his wiretapped conversational chickens with Governor Jailbird are coming home to roost.

In the latest Rauner attack ad, we get the rare privilege of listening in on Pritzker and Blago discussing which African-American politician would be the best choice to fill the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obaman in 2008. Pritzker:

• Said then-State Senate President Emil Jones is “crass”
• Called Jesse Jackson, Jr. a “nightmare”
• Did his best Rev. Jeremiah Wright impersonation
• Called Secretary of State Jesse White the “least offensive” option

Somebody really oughtta tell Bruce that he hasn’t beaten Jeanne Ives yet, but I digress.

Of course, flanked by a bevy of black politicians, Pritzker immediately went on the penance and apology circuit by plaintively pleading, “On that call, I was not my best self. I can be better. I have been better, and I can do better, and I have.”

Oh Puuuuuuhhhhhllllleeeaaasssseee!

First, Jones is crass, and I loved that about him. Our 30-minute conversation on the Springfield Senate floor ranks among the best I’ve ever had with any politician. Jones was refreshingly blunt and he didn’t back down from any controversial topic, either.

Second, not only was Jesse Jackson, Jr. a nightmare then, but he managed to become a bigger nightmare after ending up in the federal pen.

Third, with all due respect, The Reverend Jeremiah Jones is the kind of loony character who invites impersonations. So, I can’t get too excited about that one.

And lastly, Jesse White would’ve been the perfect Senate successor to President Obama, and a heck of a lot better choice than Roland Burris.

So what’s the bleepin’ problem? We’re I running Pritzker’s campaign here’s how he would’ve responded:

These kinds of behind-the-scenes conversations occur whenever any seat opens on any governing body. It’s just that they’re not typically recorded. All political possibilities, candidate considerations, and constituency concerns must be weighed when making those appointments. The truth is, replacing Senator Obama with a white guy wouldn’t have gone over very well and my synopsis of the cast of characters was dead on. Grow up people!

But no! He wimped out and now his campaign is completely on the defensive. And I’m sure this isn’t the last we’ve heard from the comedy duo of Blago and Pritzker.

“Not recommended”

Though their judicial recommendations haven’t been officially released, my spies tell me that former Elgin State Senator, failed Congressional candidate, and current Kane County judicial candidate, Mike Noland, managed to obtain the Illinois Bar Association’s eminently dubious “not recommended” rating.

And I’m sure the only reason he attained those lofty heights is the IBA doesn’t have a “he completely sucks” category.

Just for fun, let’s review the long list of Michael Noland’s greatest political hits, which include, but aren’t nearly limited to:

• Getting thrown out of a Carpentersville polling place by the police
• Suing for Springfield back pay after making a big deal of forgoing that pay
• Being caught plagiarizing a JFK speech on the Senator floor
• Getting stopped for speeding while driving on a no-insurance citation
• Getting caught stealing his opponent’s yard signs red-handed – more than once

This guy shouldn’t be judging a seventh-grade science fair, much less get elected to a 16th Circuit judicial seat. The only thing worse than that would be if John Dalton…  Wait a minute!

Noland’s Democratic primary opponent, Lark Cowart, is a far better March 20 choice.