Diary of a Curmudgeon – November 13, 2020

Diary of a Curmudgeon – November 13, 2020

This is actually the latest entry from ‘The Diary of a Curmudgeon!’ But since it so aptly tackles that absurd Cancel Culture, I thought I’d post it here to make your Friday so much more worthwhile. Enjoy!

 

November 13, 2020

So, now the insipid “Cancel Culture” is going after fictional characters? Apparently, they’ve decided that COVID and our bitter national political divide aren’t worth their time and this beyond bizarre existence doesn’t present nearly enough targets.

And how could they go after something as cute and cuddly as Baby Yoda, or “The Child” as he’s known on the show. And I love ‘The Mandalorian,’ too! It can be a bit difficult to follow if you don’t have an encyclopedic knowledge of the Star Wars universe, but it does remind me of my favorite Sergio Leone movies, and the best western of all time, ‘The Magnificent Seven.’

For reference purposes, in season two episode two, ‘The Passenger,’ our armored protagonist is tasked with dispatching an alien “Frog Lady” to a distant swamp planet where her husband can fertilize her eggs “before the equinox or her line will end.”

Then, throughout the fascinating installment, the generally rascal-ous Baby Yoda can be seen regularly reaching into the unlocked egg cannister to make hors d’oeuvres out of the UNFERTILIZED translucent orange orbs.

“Kinda strange,” I thought! But since THE SHOW IS ENTIRELY FICTIONAL, I didn’t give it a second thought.

Oddly enough, what did bother me is the Razor Crest (Mando’s ship) couldn’t apply its hyperdrive throughout the interstellar sojourn for fear of destroying the Frog Lady’s eggs outright. The insinuation being that our trio would have to complete the journey at sub-light speed which, in any real galaxy, would take a very, very long time.

For example, if we applied 2020’s most feasible theoretical solar sail space travel technology, it would take such a craft nine long years to arrive at our nearest galactic neighbor, Alpha Centauri, a scant four lightyears away.

Though, truth be told, that lengthy sojourn wouldn’t be nearly as problematic as applying the “brakes” while traveling at almost 90,000 miles a second once you get there!

Because, per Newton’s First Law of Motion, to do so would summarily thrust the crew against the nearest forward-facing bulkhead in such a way as to completely vaporize their atomic structure. And that wouldn’t be a very good thing.

Star Trek takes mitigates this hairy consequence via the Enterprise’s “inertial dampeners,” which ensure that Captain Picard and his Starfleet compatriots always reach their destination intact. They never manage to explain exactly how an “inertial dampener” might work, however, but I’m sure it’s something similar to the transporter’s “Heisenberg compensators.” But I digress!

Since THE SHOW IS ENTIRELY FICTIONAL, I simply snickered a bit and didn’t give those physics a second thought. Sadly, our progressive brothers and sisters seem to lack my capacity to discern fiction from fact, which does explain quite a bit!

No! They promptly proceeded to light up the Twitterverse, a virtual galaxy with an average IQ sitting somewhere south of a Spinaltap-esque 11, with the following “thoughts” – if you can refer to their theories that word, that is:

“I just wanna know who thought this was a good idea. Like… ‘we have this woman whose species is facing extinction and she’s very protective of these her eggs.’ ‘We should have Baby Yoda eat them.’ ‘Hey yay dude, bro high five’ Like what????” 

and

“Gosh, Baby Yoda is losing the charm,” another posted on Nov. 6. “I hated him because he ate the eggs of a lady frog and her species. IT’S IN [sic] EXTINCTION!!!!”

and

“Baby Yoda not knowing any better…genocide for sake of ‘cute humor’ is never very funny. I mean, I laughed but I felt really guilty about it.”

and

“Baby yoda [sic] eating those poor womans [sic] eggs was the start of a baby yoda [sic] villain arc. He literally committed genocide.”

Aside their general failure to grasp the English language and move out of their parent’s basement, in what far, far away galaxy do Baby Yoda’s actions possibly add up to “genocide” and/or “extinction?” All the Frog Lady said was her line could end, which, by the way, is exactly the fate I fervently hope befalls every last one of these vapid Tweeters.

So, every time I crack an egg to make an omelet I’m engaging in the essential equivalent of ethnic cleansing? Apparently, those Rwandans ain’t got nuthin’ on me!

Despite my best “genocidal” efforts, a mere 27 billion hens and rooster still manage to roam this planet and I’m similarly convinced that, somewhere out there in the vast Star Wars universe, there’s a planet full of Frog People happily hopping around, eating giant flies, and doing Bud Light commercials.

Meanwhile, back at the Mandalorian ranch, noting some of her UNFERTILIZED eggs were missing, after the X-wing fighters forced our hero to crash land on an inhospitable ice planet, our intrepid Frog Lady wandered off to a hot spring to lay yet more eggs, which gets our feckless party into all sorts of giant spider trouble and hijinks ensue!

So, not only were those missing eggs entirely replaceable, but have I failed to mention that ‘The Mandalorian’ IS ENTIRELY FICTIONAL?

Here’s a novel thought! If a manifestly make-believe proposition so offends your beyond delicate sensibilities, please reach for the rectangular black object sitting right next to you on the couch, search for the button with the word “channel” directly above it, and gingerly tap the up or down arrow directly below it.

Problem solved!

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