Shot through the arm and my wife’s to blame, she gives plagues a bad name! – Bon Jovi (kind of)
For those of you who aren’t on Facebook, or those simply failing to follow along with my social media festivities (shame on you!), though I had no inoculation intention either way, I did get the Johnson & Johnson vaccine at the lovely Elburn, Illinois, Walgreens on Wednesday. It wasn’t that I was morally opposed to the vaccine, and after two separate two-year allergy shot runs in my misspent youth, I certainly don’t have any fear of needles – trypanophobia to be more specific.
It was something more along the lines of my wife tricking me into it just like hiding a dog’s pill in piece of cheese.
Up to that point, every time I got one of those, “Hey! If you wanna get a vaccine appointment click here” emails, even after clicking within seconds of receiving those missives, all of the “available” appointments would be long gone.
You see, my tricksy hobbit wife knew I’d never endure getting two goddamned shots, so she approached me thusly! “If I can get you a J&J shot appointment at a local Walgreens, will you go?” Figuring that possibility was about as realistic as Donald Trump conceding the election, I told her to knock herself out.
Of course, the demon temptress already knew they had all manner of time slots open, and it was simply a matter of luring me into her well-baited trap which I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. And the truly sad thing is, I’m the one who frequently admonishes readers to, like any good attorney, never ask a question to which you don’t already know the answer.
Or in this case, don’t answer a question that really isn’t a question, either! I won’t fall for that one again – until next time.
So, the only thing missing from my Elburn sojourn was a large correctional officer shouting “Dead man walking” as I pulled out of the garage, and the following ‘Diary of a Curmudgeon’ passages were posted on social media to chronicle the momentous event:
April 7, 2021
So, I just got the goddamned Johnson & Johnson vaccine in glorious Elburn, Illinois, and the immediate side effects are:
- A general tendency to be surly and ornery
- A lessened capacity to suffer fools
- An increased capacity to offer opinions despite not being asked
- A propensity to apply the fuckin’ foulest language whenever possible
Wait a minute…
Oh! And you’d think the fuckin’ pharmacist had never seen someone drop trou to get a shot before, SMH!
April 8, 2021
Alright adoring throng! Eighteen hours, thirty-one minutes, and fifty-five seconds after the Johnson and Johnson shot, I’ve had absolutely NO side effects!
That includes, but isn’t nearly limited to, no arm soreness, no chills, no fever, no body aches, no difficulty sleeping, no being tired, and no turning into the Incredible Hulk which technically requires gamma rays anyway.
I did have some rather strange dreams last night, but if you lived my life, you’d have some rather strange dreams, too!
I made an effort to stay hydrated on Tuesday and yesterday, but as my wife pointed out, “You always stay hydrated,” because it’s never a bad thing. And I’m convinced that a generally ornery mien makes every medical thing so much better!
So, I’m glad I held out for the J&J vaccine because I’m one and done with none of the un-fun! Hmmm! Maybe one of the side effects is becoming more poetic!
A number of friends were surprised I got the shot, particularly considering I’m convinced I had COVID back in October of 2019 and I never get a flu shot because that whole medical theory is pure and unadulterated bullshit. But as stipulated in Tuesday’s column, I’m longing to go back to live concerts and that ain’t about to happen without that little white COVID-19 Vaccination Record Card.
So, I did it, I’m done with it, and now I can get on with my goddamned life which, sadly, is an even more fascinating prospect.
The bottom line? Since the progressive nanny-state Nazis are gonna insist on our full coronavirus cooperation, go get that single J&J shot because a number of medical professionals have indicated that it has far fewer side effects. I certainly had none.
Lastly, I got the biggest kick out of watching Governor Pointless and Mayor Lightweight get roundly booed at the White Sox home opener last night. Forget the fact the Sox won, that sight certainly woulda been worth the price of admission. Those two have about as much chance of getting reelected as Meghan Markle has of being invited to Prince William’s surprise birthday party. Though that really would be a surprise, wouldn’t it?
