This is the best the Elgin diversity consultants could do?

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. – Mark Twain

I really need to come up with a new superlative declaration because former possibilities like “You won’t believe this” or “Nothing can top this” or “I’d though I’d seen everything” won’t nearly do this one justice. “Truth is stranger than…?” Nope! That won’t work either.

That means all I can say is “brace yourselves,” particularly if you’re an Elgin, Illinois, taxpayer.

Because the City in the Suburb’s diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) consultants, InQUEST, just released their focus group/interview/retreat staff study results, and it’s important to note these findings didn’t take three hours, three days, three weeks, or three months. No! They’ve been three long years in the making.

Oh! And since we’re talking, what self-respecting DEI consulting firm would call themselves “inquest?” According to the Cambridge Dictionary, that word means “An official process to discover the cause of someone’s death?” It would seem that the company didn’t rely on a diverse enough group to come up with that ironic title.

So, let’s take a closer look at what InQUEST managed to deliver after being paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to perform at least 1,095 days of research.

1. “There is a perceived expectation to assimilate into the dominant culture and minimize or hide aspects of themselves. Women and people of color felt they had to hide parts of their identity in order to fit in and be accepted in the workplace.”

What! You mean to tell me that employees have to adjust to the reality that they’re not working in a vacuum or partying with friends? You mean to say that work isn’t the kind of “safe space” where you can be yourself every single second of every single day? Be still my beating heart!

Ever since Grogg’s cave wall painting business took off and he had to hire other artists to keep up with demand, employees have had to strike a balance between expressing their individuality and financial security. And this “assimilation” dynamic takes place at every level of American society from your average group of first grade school friends all the way up to the West Wing.

And it equally applies to men and white folks, who also have to sublimate large portions of their personality in the name of teamwork. A job isn’t supposed to be a cultural exchange program. The point is for management and employees to find a reasonable common ground OR NOTHING WOULD GET DONE.

Sure, the demand to conform can go too far, but the truly terrifying thing is, an overtired ADHD sixth grader could’ve come to this conclusion in just a few minutes. It really shouldn’t take three years.

2. Again, in the consultant’s own words, “We heard some examples from women that were unique. Women described it [Elgin] as a harder place to work than men.”

What? You mean to tell me that we still live in a patriarchal society where males are valued more than females soliciting sexist undertones in the workplace? No! That kind of thing could never happen in America!

This begs the question, did Elgin really need to pay a consultant to tell them that women have a tougher time at the office than men? I could’ve come up with that “finding” in just 30 seconds, and my fee for that “insight” would’ve been no more than a sawbuck and a 12-pack of bass ale.

Of course, the vast ironies here are women are far harder on their female work counterparts than men, and who raises boys in this country? That’s right – their mothers.

That “revelation” brings us to my favorite InQUEST “finding.”

3. “A point made by all the groups questioned was that they did not feel that challenging the status quo was welcomed and voicing concerns would not help them in their work.”

What? You mean to tell me that if you rock the workplace boat it could negatively affect your career. You mean to say you can’t march into your boss’s office tomorrow morning and tell her she’s doing it wrong without repercussion? Just point me in the direction of those heartless managerial scoundrels and I’ll give them what for!

Oh, my effin’ lord! I don’t understand how any consultant could possibly present that “conclusion” with a straight face when they damn well know they just described every non-profit, educational system, and corporation in this country.

The ironic truth is most folks who want to “challenge the status quo” shouldn’t because their motivation to do so typically arises out of the need to believe they know more than everyone else. Most employees simply aren’t equipped to effectively change the office process.

Here’s a thought! Why not work hard, prove what a valuable employee you are, and develop the kind of rapport and finesse that would allow you to make those points without being considered a challenge to authority?

This bovine excrement has to be the worst example of the proverbial buck nekkid emperor I’ve ever seen. We’ve said it before, all DEI initiatives do is find problems that don’t exist and magnify the minimal issues that do exist, creating a new generation of victims in the process.

I really need to set aside my scruples and start a business where I can charge six-figure fees to spout centuries old truisms and have city councils swoon at my feet. You mean to tell me that humans are a tribal species that survived by creating an us versus them dynamic?

What InQUEST is doing in Elgin is nothing short of a scam. And the consultants weren’t nearly done:

DEI is not about a one-time initiative. It is not about diluting standards. It is not about checking a box. It is not about filling a quota. It is not about tokenism. It is not about exclusion. It is not about favoritism. More importantly, it is not about having an end date.

Of course it doesn’t! Because if it had “an end date” they wouldn’t be able to bleed Elgin taxpayers dry for as long as it takes to spout platitudes that change nothing. InQUEST’s brand of blatant propaganda would make Vladimir Putin jealous.

Elgin, you need to end this city council embarrassment NOW, by reaching out to every aldercreature to tell them you’re mad as hell, and you won’t take it anymore. This outright farce at the expense of Elgin municipal employees and the taxpayer cannot be allowed to continue.

Author’s Note:

I want to thank Courier-News reporter Gloria Cassas for not only thoroughly covering this latest DEI con, but writing her report so objectively that it came off as the best kind of satire. Without her due diligence, I could not have written this column.