This is the best Kane County Republicans can do?

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. – Nancy Ward

It was a year ago when I chided the KC GOP for their inexplicable failure to field any candidates for the impending 2024 election cycle. County chairman Andro Lerario, a man who makes IQ test moderators cringe, responded by sending an email blast asking the absurd question, “Hey! You wanna run?”

Sigh.

So much for cultivating reasonable candidates and bringing them up through the ranks. So much for vetting the kind of hopefuls that would provide the voters with a reasonable choice. So much for supporting candidates who have a remote chance of winning an election. So much for putting any real effort into the electoral process.

Just as my mother warned me, I’m resolutely regretting the issuance of that challenge. Why? Because the folks who answered that anti-clarion call make you want to bang your head against the wall until the pain stops. With perhaps one exception, the MAGA mob that decided to run are even more underwhelming than the Cubs and White Sox.

Considering that gaggle, I’m being very kind.

This is the point where I’d typically apply my vast powers of political deduction to delineate, in great detail, why my theory has merit. But I don’t need to waste my time this time because KC GOP chair candidate, Lance Bell, sat down with the Kane County Chronicle and removed all doubt before I had the chance.

Let’s just say it was an exercise in how to lose an election in one take, and take your entire ticket down with you in the process. And the hilarity is all the reporter had to do was sit back and let him talk.

Bell described himself as “a prophet, servant leader, and entrepreneur.” A “prophet?” That’s the kind of stupid shit that tends to put you on the padded bus to the Elgin Mental Health Center. Even if you truly believe it, it’s not the kind of declaration you want to make when you’re running for Kane County’s highest office.

He didn’t stop there, either.

The rest of the piece was rife with examples of Bell explaining how God tells him what to do. It’s a great scam. Who would have the temerity to question God’s “will?” And if it all goes south, then it’s the deity who bears responsibility for the poor advice. Do we really want a far-right religious loon running Kane County? You never know what “god” might make him to do next.

It didn’t get any better for Lance, either. Taking a page directly from the Trump playbook, he gleefully covered his:

•         Three business bankruptcies in Missouri
•         Two Kane County business failures
•         Three Kane County lawsuits

Yep! This is the man we want presiding over a $400 million county budget.

Bell did his best to explain it all away, but the bankruptcies came down to not paying attention. He admits the business failures were due to having too much on his plate, but that doesn’t explain why he simply stopped paying rent just like his orange hero does.

Oh! And it was “God” who “called him away from those businesses,” which begs the question, did God tell him to stiff his landlords, too?

But the interview pièce de resistance was this. After attending all of six board and subcommittee meetings last fall, Bell made the following pronouncement:

In my view, the Democrats, generally speaking, are evil. Republicans, generally speaking, are incompetent. The only reason I am a Republican today is we literally have two choices. We’re a two-party system. So, if I’m going to do this, I’m going to end up having to do this within the construct of the Republican party.

Well, ain’t that a ringing endorsement of the Party that’s ostensibly supporting your candidacy. “Since I couldn’t do any better, I’ll have to settle for you lowbrow misanthropic misfits.” The irony there is the great distance he’s traveled to prove his own point.

And “Six meetings?” Be still my beating heart! It took a couple years of board attendance for me to learn how Kane County really works. Most aspiring candidates understand that reality and act accordingly.

So, in the words of those great philosophers, The Eagles, Mr. Bell is “already gone” and he has no one to blame but himself, or perhaps God. It’s hard to tell the difference. And this slate crashing feat falls squarely at Treasurer Chris Lauzen’s feet.

To be fair, some of Lauzen’s infamous innumerable feuds came to him, but he never met one he didn’t like, either. He feuds with his own staff. He feuds with the County’s bankers. And he feuds with any Republican regular who doesn’t believe he’s God. The eminently predictable result of his failure to get along with absolutely anyone is a greatly diminished Republican Party remade in his snarling Trump attack dog image created solely to pursue his vendettas.

When it comes to comprehensively destroying your legacy, no one can beat Chris Lauzen.

His handpicked KC GOP chairman, a man who has never even run for office, is a complete failure. Think about the arrogance it takes to refuse to actively recruit reasonable candidates. The hubris involved in failing to vet those candidates is beyond the pale. And the laziness required to absolve yourself from adequately coaching them just came back to bite him in the ass in the form of his top candidate completely dismissing his entire Party.

Then Lerario has the nerve to go on the radio and brag about what a great job he’s doing.

We all know exactly what’s going to happen when this ridiculous GOP slate goes down in flames, too. Lauzen will shriek that the county clerk provides “inadequate election security,” making up election law as he goes along. Then Lerario and his candidates will claim the election was stolen and God knows what they’ll do after that.

Perhaps He might tell them.