The First Ward 2023 retrospective – Part 2

Last year’s resolution was to lose 20 pounds by Christmas. Only 30 pounds to go. — Anonymous

Alright! Let’s proceed with the major local stories.

Lori Lightfoot loses

Going all the way back to Mayor Daley the Elder, I cannot remember a Chicago mayor who wore out their welcome – with absolutely everyone – faster than little Ms. Napolean herself. She alienated so many former supporters that The First Ward predicted Herronner wouldn’t even see second place finish and she didn’t make the final cut.

Was it me that predicted Paul Valas would destroy Brandon Johnson by 20 points? Apparently the Second City never learns because they incomprehensibly determined the answer to Lightfoot’s failed brand of progressivism was to elect an even larger progressive loon, who according to his own caucus, is failing at a record rate.

Then, in an irony to end all ironies, after her ignominious defeat the former mayor somehow managed to get a job teaching leadership at Harvard. Leadership? That’s a lot like me being hired to teach kids how not to swear.

And Chicago only sinks further into the violence, labor union, and pension debt morass.

The mediocre are being replaced

One of our more frequently discussed 2023 themes was the rise of the mediocre as in Chicago servers soon to make minimum wage, unionizing baristas, and point-of-sale screens suggesting 100 percent tips for no real service. But just as The First Ward predicted, those massively mediocre folks are learning just how irreplaceable they aren’t.

Case in point. I love Lowe’s capacity to fulfill Net orders in entryway lockers such that, if you know exactly what you want, you can just pop into the store, scan a barcode on your phone, and you’re on the way home in mere minutes.

But last week I need some screws that required a bit of expert help. After acquiring the requisite size, I headed to the checkout area only to be confronted by one scant staffer manning four self-checkout machines, just two of which took cash. I looked around for another option, but there wasn’t a live checkout clerk in the entire flippin’ store.

And my formerly beloved St. Charles Meijer just got even worse. They’ve removed half of their human checkout lanes to make room for at least 30 of the automated variety. So, now when we make our bi-weekly food shopping sojourn, we get to chose between waiting in one of the four open non-automated lines for at least 15 minutes or checking ourselves out.

Since I’m not getting paid to work at the store, this unwelcome shift will likely incite a shift to shopping at South Elgin’s Caputo’s Fresh Markets, but that doesn’t change the reality the Meijer has laid off at a great many of their checkout clerks.

In a similar vein, faced with delivery drivers base salary skyrocketing form $4 to $20 an hour, California Pizza Huts are firing 1,200 of ‘em and replacing them with third party propositions like Door dash and UberEATS. The vast progressive irony there again is, with tips, those delivery folks were already making at least $20 an hour, but now they’re not making anything.

So, here’s another prediction for you. The reason the Illinois Restaurant Association asked – and got – five years to “adjust” to the Second City’s subminimum to minimum wage move is it would provide those eateries with the time to replace their waitstaff with robot servers that cost half as much.

Better yet, robot waitresses don’t bitch, they don’t need to be tipped, and they don’t unionize.

Welcome to the real world my abundantly mediocre multitude.

Ed Burke convicted!

Considering how he was hoist by his “Did we land the tuna?” taped petard, I cannot fathom why the 80-year-old former longest-serving Chicago alderman decided to go to trial. Per The First Ward’s prediction, the jury deliberated just a scant 23 hours before bringing the hammer down.

Now, instead of a graceful slide into retirement, Burke’s looking at 20 years in the slammer. Whether he’ll serve a single day is doubtful with the interminable Illinois appeals process, but the damage to his prized reputation is done.

Insipid Tribune columnist Laura Washington surmised that Burke’s comeuppance might just act as a deterrent to further Chicago city council shenanigans.

Really? Former Illinois Speaker Michael Madigan’s well-publicized legal woes didn’t put a dent in Ed Burke’s particular form of greed, and though some aldercreatures (a Mike Royko term of endearment) did manage to castigate the former councilman for his poor judgement, the vast majority of them used the conviction opportunity to skewer former alderman Danny Solis for wearing the infamous wire.

Ah well! I suppose there’s some solace in knowing that some things never change.

Elgin Academy is still closing

When we covered the impending closure of the 185-year-old Elgin Academy back in November, The First Ward surmised it was a general incompetence that led to the venerable institution’s demise. But now my thoughts are running a lot more along the lines of outright malfeasance.

Why? Because when a group of EA parents and alumni offered to step in and review the Academy’s finances in an effort to determine whether an alternative means of keeping the school open was feasible, the EA board turned ‘em down flat, claiming “We don’t want to give false hope to families.”

What could possibly go wrong with giving a well-intentioned group, consisting partly of alumni, the opportunity to apply a set of fresh eyes to this dire situation?

It’s when interim EA director Paul Druzinsky said, “It’s not closing because of malfeasance or ineffectual leadership,” that piqued my interest. Along the lines of The Bard’s “Methinks the gentleman doth protest too much,” that’s exactly the kind of thing someone says when malfeasance and ineffectual leadership and the real culprits.

I have absolutely no proof of either possibility, but since private institutions are immune to FOIA requests, aside from an erstwhile source coming forward, it’s very difficult to get to the bottom of these kinds of things. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the end of the story.

In our part three finale we’ll review the more hyperlocal 2023 news.