Apparently, you can get charged with multiple felonies in Cook County

Apparently, you can get charged with multiple felonies in Cook County

Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night. – Bette Davis in All About Eve

To keep up here, and in an effort guarantee your personal safety, may I politely suggest you get out your scorecard, take a deep breath, remain seated, and per the great Ms. Davis, buckle yourself in. I don’t want to be held responsible for any injuries incurred while repeatedly banging your head against the nearest wall.

With all of that in mind, class, let’s proceed.

At 10:30 a.m. on June 21st, Cook County State’s Attorney Kim Foxx was taking her daily walk right smack down the middle of Sterling Avenue in her Flossmoor neighborhood. I can already see the hands going up!

“But Jeff! What was she doing taking a walk at 10:30 a.m. on a Friday morning? Shouldn’t she be in the office serving the Cook County taxpayer?”

Yes she should! But I’d be willing to bet that if you took a quick social media poll of Chicago residents, they’d unanimously agree that Ms. Foxx should take a lot more walks. How can she make another terrible decision if she’s not there?

“But Jeff! Just what was our illustrious state’s attorney doing walking down the middle of the street? I have it on very good authority that the Village of Flossmoor has some top-of-the-line sidewalks.”

Another excellent point!

But we’ve already discussed this kind of rank hypocrisy at length. With rare exception, state’s attorneys and prosecutors fervently believe, since they uphold the law, it doesn’t apply to them. Of course, the Cook County office does neither.

Perhaps Ms. Foxx was having delusions of a ticker tape parade send-off after her impending retirement.

To absolutely no one’s surprise, a 34-year-old pickup truck driver pulled up behind our intrepid state’s attorney and politely (I’m sure) honked so he could proceed unfettered. To her credit, Foxx deigned to move over. But doing his best Rick James impersonation, the driver yelled “Get the fuck off the road bitch!” as he passed her.

Not to be outdone, Ms. Foxx made her mother, children, and every Cook County attorney proud by flipping him in return. So, much for sticking to that higher law enforcement and elected official standard.

That’s the point at which our frustrated pickup truck driver should’ve simply returned the favor, moved on to better things, and our game of “quien es mas macho” would’ve ended right there. But no! That never happens in the post COVID-world, and it certainly doesn’t happen in Cook County.

I understand his rage at a woman who can only be described as a complete fucking imperious moron, but I would generally advise against embarking upon his next course of action. Because that’s when he stopped, backed up, and after further heated discussion, hurled his Big Gulp root beer directly in our state’s attorney’s smug face. Then he drove off.

“But Jeff! Fully comprehending the gravity of her office, the significance of her role as an elected official, the aforementioned higher standard, and the knowledge that she instigated this stupid confrontation, instead of making it worse, shouldn’t Ms. Foxx have deescalated the situation by apologizing for being a jerk?”

Yes. But why start now?

With a fascinating exception, I’m sure you can surmise what happened next. Likely using his license plate number, Foxx had the Flossmoor Police track down the truck, and considering her role in the kerfuffle, he should’ve gotten off with a warning. But no! Foxx’s office insisted on charging our audacious driver with two felonies – aggravated battery in a public place and aggravated assault with a motor vehicle,

“But Jeff! While we certainly wouldn’t recommend throwing a root beer in an imbecilic pedestrian’s face, the driver never got out of his vehicle and he never touched Foxx. So, how can they charge him with two felonies?”

Oh! That’s easy, class. Though there’s no evidence of this intent, Fox claims the driver meant to run her over as he backed up. As far as the aggravated assault goes, you might want to get another seatbelt out for this one. The Cook County State’s Attorney’s office argued that since COVID is still out there, throwing a used root beer in someone’s face is tantamount to attempted murder.

And this comes from a woman who REFUSES to charge Chicago minorities with any form of a felony, singularly earning the Second City its lovely “Chiraq” nickname. Per the always-worth-a-read CWBChicago blog:

…Gary Coleman, who, in October 2021, punched a 60-year-old woman unconscious in the Loop. She fell and hit her head on the sidewalk, but he was only charged with misdemeanor battery. Back on the street days later, Coleman allegedly pushed a 66-year-old tourist from the Cermak Green Line platform.

After a group of teenagers attacked a couple in Streeterville on May 31, news outlets reported that the female victim lost the baby she was carrying. Police arrested a 14-year-old boy and a 17-year-old girl nearby. Both were charged with misdemeanor battery and released. Foxx’s office claimed that CPD did not ask them to charge the juveniles with felonies.

In September 2021, Chicago police officers asked Foxx’s office to charge a man with felonies after he allegedly stabbed a 66-year-old man five times near Union Station. Chicago officers noted in their report that the victim specifically wanted to pursue felony charges against the assailant, who had a history of randomly attacking people. But prosecutors refused to approve any felonies.

Ah yes! But after unilaterally provoking a road rage incident, because it involved her highness, Foxx is charging a hapless pickup truck driver with clearly unwarranted multiple felonies. And the idiot judge remanded him, too!

So much for going out with a little grace. Kim Foxx is an embarrassment to humanity as a whole at a time when humanity generally has no shame. Can you say, “Donald Trump?” I knew you could. This woman shouldn’t be in charge of a Thursday evening book club, much less run one of the largest prosecutorial offices in the country.

And in another almost-as-strange twist, how is it that lowly Jeff Ward has the story, but five long days after the fact, neither the Tribune nor the Sun-Times has reported it. They wouldn’t be playing favorites, now would they?

This sad scenario is just another reason why it takes the Rolling Stones to get me to go into Chicago for the first time since the 2016 Cubs playoffs. It’s the kind of thing that makes Kim Jong Un look reasonable. Just like Detroit, Buffalo, San Francisco, and Minneapolis, the Second City is a lost cause my friends.

(Photograph courtesy of the CWB Blog)

Author’s Note:

And speaking of the Kidney…I mean Rolling Stones, my lovely wife and I will be descending upon Soldier Field to see Glimmer Twins Sunday Evening. Our plan is to camp out in Grant Park and return home Monday afternoon.

I kid! Though that would likely be a fascinating endeavor, we will be availing ourselves of a nearby downtown hotel, instead.

Considering I’m generally asleep by 9 p.m. and the show will likely go till midnight, there will be no new Tuesday column. Not to fear my fretful Reader, I will certainly run another passage form The Curmudgeon: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Pandemic.

It doesn’t get any better than that, does it?

I can’t say for sure yet, but with the Fourth of July falling on the following Thursday, I may just repeat that feat and return with new content on July 9. 

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