As you might imagine, I’ve been called many things in my oft-bizarre 14 years at the keyboard, not the least of which are:
dull, dullard, deficient, dunce, dense, stupid, silly, simple, thick, crazy, foolish, shortsighted, unintelligent, brainless, half-baked, half-witted, idiotic, insane, imbecilic, puerile, slow, dimwitted, mindless, moronic, nonsensical, simple-minded, senseless, irrelevant, laughable, ludicrous, absurd, irrational, preposterous, ridiculous, unreasonable, unwise, brainless, daft, feebleminded, harebrained, kooky, nutty, wacky, jackass, and so much more!
But yesterday, you m***********s finally managed hit me where it really hurts! I never thought the day would come when you’d debase yourselves by referring to me as something as heinous as a “Trump supporter!”
Oh! The ignominy!
The act that seemed to solicit this salacious sobriquet was my various evidence-based attempts to convince the social media rabble that, since the coronavirus doesn’t nearly amount to the bleepin’ black plague, there’s no bleepin’ need to panic.
You’d a thunk I’d said the Tooth Fairy isn’t real!
Runs on toilet papers (no pun intended), rubbing alcohol, bottled water, and Diet Coke? Really? The coronavirus doesn’t give you diarrhea, the CDC says soap is far more effective than rubbing alcohol, and no manner of virus can survive the rigors of a municipal water purification system.
Diet Coke? I’d love to hear some sort of reasonable explanation for that one, but please don’t tell me, because I’m sure it would be far too depressing.
And pallets of bottled water? What the f**k?
Do any of you really believe this is gonna turn into some sort of zombie apocalypse where our infrastructure falls prey to the brain-thirsty undead horde! C’mon! Trump’s been trying to make that happen for the last four years and none of you appeared to be overly concerned.
Though, when you consider the psychotic multitudes descending upon Costco like a swarm of Charmin-eating locusts, perhaps a zombie apocalypse would actually be a step up!
Aside from persistent panic wreaking havoc with your immune system, please tell me some of you see the irony in a slew of stampeding shoppers massing in a relatively small warehouse store right smack in the middle of a coronavirus pandemic. No contagions there, right?
There are times I wish natural selection would get his fat ass up out of the Barca lounger and get back to work!
Especially considering our current cultural condition, just when you think no American could possibly come up with a concept to further disappoint me, they still manage to somehow disappoint me. To wit, one of our roving reporters just watched two old women get into a semi-physical fight over the last bag of Depends at her local Walmart.
Have I ever told you that truth is far stranger than fiction?
And if another one of you bleeps posts that insipid Northern Italy meme on Facebook, I swear my fellow curmudgeons will rise up in a way that will make covid-19 look like a bleepin’ walk in the park.
The coronavirus is doing more damage there because an astounding 30 percent of Northern Italians smoke. That’s double the U.S. rate, and my experts tell me this pathogen is particularly hard on smokers AND VAPERS! Italy’s also the “oldest” European nation with a median age of 47.3 compared to our 38.3.
But even then, their covid-19 mortality rate is only one in twenty.
I’ll say it again! If you’re over 60, if you’re a smoker, if you have a serious pre-existing condition like heart disease, diabetes or cancer, then you really have to be careful with this one. But if you’re under 50, the mortality rate is between .2 to .4 percent, and that includes Wuhan, China, where lung health is poor and medical care consists of leeches and bloodletting.
And to the fascinating couple at last night’s Lewis Black’s ECC performance, if you wear your surgical masks over your mouth, but not your nose, you really bleepin’ deserve to get sick!
The number of global coronavirus deaths currently sits at approximately 5,000. Meanwhile, obesity will kill 300,000 Americans this year and we’re not seeing any sort of Jenny Craig stampede, now are we?
What I’m trying to say is, some of y’all m***********s really need to calm down, and you need to do it right now! In the unlikely event of a quarantine, even I enjoy the kind of friends who’d bring me tequila, so what’s the point in rushing out to Binny’s in an effort to hoard every last bottle of Cuervo?
Wouldn’t leaving some shit on the store shelves for the truly at-risk be the Christian thing to do? Of course, not!
Get enough sleep, eat reasonably well, stay hydrated, wash your damn hands, and, this too, shall pass. Trump supporter my bony white ass!