And we’re gonna hit rock bottom far sooner than later, too!
Though this won’t nearly mitigate the bleeps who insist upon commenting on the column without reading it first, for the record, I firmly fall into what they used to call the “Blue Dog” Democrat camp. That means I’m socially liberal, fiscally conservative, and libertarian about forcing my beliefs on others. This planet managed to get along long before I arrived, and it will continue to do so long after I’m gone.
Furthermore, my socially progressive tendencies provide me with a particular gravitas when it comes to calling out the current crop of crazy-assed liberals.
Because while Donald Trump is doing his damndest to hand the looming election over to the Democrats, just like the Chicago Cubs, my progressive partners are bound and determined to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
And they’re making it happen in the most fascinatingly insidious ways, too!
For a perfect example of this least common denominator nanny state nefariousness, let’s harken back to my hometown of Evanston, Illinois, an experiment in liberal lunacy if there ever was one. All I can say is, it was more than strange growing up as the only Republican family in our south Evanston neighborhood.
Without any discussion whatsoever, Lincoln Elementary School, a fine educational institution in the abjectly mediocre D65 hierarchy, decided to unilaterally “cancel” Halloween. And the vast majority of parents and virtually all of the students are hoppin’ mad about it, too.
To wit, Lincoln Principal, Michelle Cooney issued the following poorly worded non-statement statement:
While we recognize that Halloween is a fun tradition for many families, it is not a holiday that is celebrated by all members of our school community and for various reasons. There are also inequities in how we have traditionally observed the holiday as part of our school day. Our goal at Lincoln is to provide space and opportunities for all students to be part of the community — not to create an environment that may feel exclusive or unwelcoming to any child.”
What? Her capacity to say absolutely nothing in an 82-word paragraph clearly indicates she shoulda been a politician.
Despite the blatant obfuscation, Lincoln parents correctly surmised that an absurdly small minority of Halloween objectors were the impetus behind this boneheaded move. The irony of liberal administrators caving in to overly religious parents isn’t nearly lost on me, either.
Yet another illimitable irony here is, this “inclusive cancellation” completely casts aside Evanston’s 10 percent Hispanic population by implicitly eliminating Dia de los Muertos as well. And that’s even bigger than Halloween in their culture. So, now we’ve squandered yet another opportunity to bring two cultures together.
Look, I’m no fan of Halloween. Not only do I fail to see the virtue in people regularly ringing my doorbell, but the thought of state sanctioned disguised children begging for free treats on my front porch is utterly horrifying.
And in that proud American tradition of less can never possibly be more, some of the beyond macabre, gory and utterly overdone neighborhood Halloween displays have Wes Craven doin’ 360s in his coffin.
But just like it was with those Star Trek Borg, even I understand the futility of Halloween resistance. It’s become the second biggest “holiday” after Christmas, with Americans spending $9 billion a year on costumes, candy and decorations. And Elementary school children love Halloween because, unlike Christmas, they get to celebrate it with their similarly costumed classmates.
And if this complete curmudgeon can endure one day of absurd national overindulgence, so can the minority of eminently delicate Evanston parents who firmly fail to believe that their religious beliefs stop right at the end of their collective noses.
Our third irony is, by “including” two percent of the student body, Lincoln School is excluding everyone else. So, please tell me, when did liberalism turn into the “everyone has to feel good all the time” movement? If I’d have known that everyone picked last for the gym class basketball team would become teachers and school administrators, I would’ve left for Iceland a long time ago.
But back to our general thesis.
All this “cancellation” does is destroy the progressive cause. C’mon! Voters don’t vote on the issues because they don’t give a flyin’ bleep about the issues. They vote on emotion because emotional memories last a lifetime. Every white, moderate Christian Evanston parent who fervently believes their culture is being slowly stripped from them for no good reason will cast a much more conservative ballot in the next election.
And their children will NEVER forget the time Halloween was cancelled, either.
The fact that the rabble generally ignores me notwithstanding, I’ll say it again! Politics is nothing more than a series of equal and opposite reactions such that progress only comes through a series of small smart compromises. As a wise political pundit once said, “Win the election first, and then you can start the revolution.”
Put more simply, in the words of the great Walt Kelly, “We have met the enemy and he is us!”
Put even more simply, have I said my fellow liberals suck?