I wuz gonna do an analysis to explain how the Kane County and Aurora Democrats are clearly mistaking a tailwind for talent, but even I’m tired of politics, so why don’t we mix it up and do something different! We’ll save the politics for Wednesday.
And women say men don’t listen!
This was the actual running conversation in the Ward household Saturday morning:
Me: Dearest, I’ll take Ben to work this morning because I’m making lasagna tonight and I’ll need to pick up a few things at Meijer.
Her: Oooo! That sounds good.
(15 minutes later)
Her: If I can get ready in time (like that would ever happen) I’ll take Ben to work.
Me: No! I’m taking him to work because I have to pick up a few things at Meijer.
(15 minutes later)
Her: I need to get gas. If I can get ready in time (like that would ever happen), I’ll take Ben to Meijer.
Me: For the third time, I need to pick up stuff for dinner, so unless you want to do the shopping, I need to go to Meijer.
Her: I don’t remember you telling me any of that. But alright. If I can get ready in time (like that would ever happen), I’ll take Ben to Meijer and pick up those items.
Me: Fine! I’ve written down what we need.
(Three minutes later)
Her: I just looked at the clock and there’s no way I’ll be ready in time. You’ll have to take Ben to Meijer.
Me: If your nefarious plan is to drive me so crazy that I have to be institutionalized, it’s working.
It reminds me of the old Billy Preston song, ‘Will it go Round in Circles.” There certainly does seem to be a lot of wasted time here. What is it with women and the squirrel trying to cross Randal Road at rush hour attempts at logic? At this point, I’m looking forward to being institutionalized.
After that conversation, I don’t want to hear another woman complain that men don’t listen – EVER!
You’re supposed to miss the uprights!
This is yet another case of something I thought I’d never have to explain. But Bears’ placekicker Chris Parkey somehow managed to do it four separate times on Sunday. I’ve never seen a kicker hit the uprights twice in a game, much less do it four times.
It got so bad that Bears’ coach Matt Nagy went for a two-point conversion after their final touchdown instead of having to watch Parkey complete the five-peat.
As a result of his unerring inaccuracy, I was convinced the Bears would cut him loose this morning. But apparent a four-year contract with $9 million guaranteed means never having to say you’re sorry – or make a field goal – or make and extra point.
So, here’s a thought! In the ‘Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,’ The late great Douglas Adams explained that humans might fly thusly:
There is an art, or rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Pick a nice day and try it.
Sounds pretty simple, doesn’t it! So, my advice to Mr. Nagy would be to actually aim for the upright because he’d surely miss.
How about respecting the process yourself?
I’m no fan of Detroit Lions coach Matt Patricia because he’s not a very good coach and he generally makes up for it by being a bully. A perfect example of his churlishness is chiding a reporter for his poor posture when asked how trading star receiver Golden Tate benefited the team.
Patricia’s Trump press conference playbook response to that inquiry was:
Ah, well, you know. Do me a favor just kinda sit up, just like, have a little respect for the process. Every day you come and ask me questions and you’re just kinda like you know, ‘gimme this.’
So, when did NFL press conferences become black tie affairs? Have any of you actually seen a sportswriter? They’re certainly not known for their snappy attire.
And as far as honoring the process goes, I was rather disappointed with the comportment of the Lions as the Bears handed them their asses in the first half. It started with linebacker Jarrad Davis tackling Mitch Trubisky six years out-of-bounds and ended with a number of beyond absurd pass interference penalties.
Had the Lions maintained their composure, they might’ve able to take advantage of the Bears incessant second half largesse.
Not only that, but regularly having to look at Patricia on the sidelines solicited two recurring thoughts. First, it’s called a razor. I too, have a beard, but I have no idea who decided that the “I clearly no long give a shit about myself” look was cool.
And second, he might want to consider putting the fork down on occasion. When you’re coaching the best athletes on the planet, you might want to set an example. I’m not saying you have to look like Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, but you might want to avoid comparisons to Chris Christie.
Don’t worry! Patricia won’t make it through the 2019 season.