Quick Hits – October 26, 2018

This is why Republicans can’t win in Illinois

With the friendliest poll numbers putting him 13 points behind J. B. Pritzker, Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner is resorting to the same sort of silly shenanigans that will ensure the Springfield Democratic supermajority will be sustained.

His latest TV ad, entitled ‘Unholy Union,’ features the backs of two well-dressed men facing a minister at the altar. The clergyman says, “Repeat after me. I, Mike Madigan, take you, J.B. Pritzker, as my unlawful partner in destruction, to raise property taxes, corrupt government and bankrupt Illinois’ future.”

To which the Madigan character responds, “Done,” while the Pritzker stand-in says “Deal.”

The minister continues; “And I, J. B. Pritzker, take you, Mike Madigan, to honor and obey till death do us part.”

“Always have; Always will.” the faux Pritzker replies.

“By the power vested in me, I now pronounce Illinois bleeped,” the minister concludes mouthing a F-bomb directly into the camera.

Rauner Wedding Ad

First, the tired old anti-Madigan Republican mantra doesn’t work. Illinois voters want a lot more solutions and a lot less blame. As the Governor himself said in 2014, “If I don’t change the state in four years, throw me out.”

And that’s exactly what we’re gonna do.

Second, this kind of messaging is called a “dog whistle” ad because it’s true intent is to scare the conservative voters who’ve long since abandoned Rauner for third party candidate Sam McCann. C’mon! Do you really think the depiction of a same-sex marriage was an accident?

Not only will this tactic fail to rescue Rauner from being relegated to political oblivion, but its radiating ripples will help doom Illinois’ Republican chances for years to come. I keep saying it! Illinois is a purple state and shrieking about social issues won’t get you very far.

I’m gonna keep saying this, too! If the Illinois GOP wants to beat Mike Madigan, they need to put a lot less effort into lip service and a lot more effort into creating the kind of ground game that gave the Dems a supermajority in the first place.

 

Just don’t do it!

My wife and I have a running gag called ‘Things you thought you’d never have to say.”

For example, when they were younger, I had to tell one of my sons to stop licking his brother. Then there was the time I had to explain why putting cereal up your nose is a bad idea. Just last week I had to tell the new dog not to pee on his sister.

It’s along those very same lines that I suddenly feel obligated to call on my Caucasian counterparts to stop calling the cops on folks for breathing while black. It’s not that I’m necessarily responsible for my race (and I’m an honorary Mexican anyway), it’s that I’m tired of having to read the weekly story on the latest loon setting our race back 200 years.

To wit, white people have dialed 911 to report blacks who were:

  • Barbecuing
  • Babysitting white children
  • Accidentally brushing a woman with a backpack
  • Going to a public pool
  • Sitting a seat away while flying
  • Napping in a dorm lounge
  • Shopping
  • Leaving an Airbnb
  • Taking a college tour
  • Golfing
  • Sitting in Starbucks

Just don’t do it!

And when your ridiculous rant goes viral, insisting that you’re not racist while claiming that one of your best friends is black really doesn’t help matters, either.

White Folks

The next sentence I never thought I’d have to issue is, “Men need to stop groping women on airplanes!” There have been three separate airplane groping news accounts in just the past six months.

What the hell is wrong with you people? Despite whatever adult movies might depict, most women don’t like being randomly grabbed by anyone, much less a stranger. And there’s no place to hide on an aluminum tube hurtling through the upper reaches of the atmosphere at 600 mph, either.

Just don’t do it!

Of course, airlines might want to consider not overserving passengers on long flights, but that’s a column for another day.

All I can say is, to quote a short story character in the Atlantic Monthly, “Sometimes I wonder if the whole world isn’t an idiot asylum for the castaways of happier planets.”

 

5 thoughts on “Quick Hits – October 26, 2018

  1. There is no longer a Republican Party in Illinois and in perhaps the nation. A multi millionaire purchased the part and tried to impose his values (none) on it. When he loses in November he will ride off to a mansion leaving a broke party who’s scraps will be fought over by true believers who are purer than Ceasar’s wife and who will see non believers everywhere. This will not matter as the Democrats will gerrymander the Republicans out of existence can you say Know Nothing?
    As to the state of the world and nut cases. I don’t think it changed just more ways to show the world you are an idiot
    As my dear mom would tell me: “the whole world is crazy except me and thee and sometimes I wonder about thee”
    Have a great weekend Dude.

  2. The Battle of the Billionaires! Who is representing the Middle class in this race? Not Rauner or JB.

    Even the dems have a rich guy in the running and no one seems to be speaking up for the little guy. (and they champion against those who are out of touch with blue collar folks. JB has no clue to what you guys are talking about your struggles)

    But those same little guys are pounding the ground for the rich guys…Does anyone see something wrong here?

    Madigan and Pritzker sit in a tree….Well I’m not sure of how far off that rhyme is. Sounds like a song that is going to end on a bad note.

    Can we just not have a governor for the next 4 years?

  3. What’s wrong with licking your brother? Better than picking your brother’s nose.

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