Another article about nothing?
I know I’m heading into dangerous broken record territory, but I just can’t pass this one up.
If you recall, last September, the Daily Herald actually ran an article about nothing. Those overeager editors felt it was their journalistic duty to warn folks there was no evidence of any white supremacist activity in Gurnee, Illinois.
I can’t tell you how important it was to know that!
As a result, and always being the helpful one, I proposed the DH could build on that fascinating trend by posting articles like these:
- The aliens haven’t landed
- Donald Trump has not behaved presidentially
- Illinois has not balanced their budget
- The North Koreans have not invaded Waukegan
- An asteroid did not strike Carpentersville
- Godzilla did not appear in the ocean outside Japan
- Bigfoot has not been discovered
Because when it comes to reporting, the Daily Herald does far better with nothing than they’ve ever managed to do with something. Once you’ve found your strength, you really oughtta run with it, right!
And I’m proud to report they just did!
This time, that news-challenged newspaper ran a story about an Elgin towing firm that works closely with the Police Department failing to secure the appropriate licensing. But when the State called them on that error, they secured the proper paperwork in September of 2017. Despite that paperwork failure, neither the public, the City, nor the police department ever had a problem with that company.
So, they’re essentially reporting there was a problem that’s been fixed, and the issue had no impact on anything or anyone while it existed. They made it headline news, too! As Mr. Spock would say, “Fascinating!”
In that magnanimous Quick Hits spirit, I have some specific thoughts on how the Daily Herald can take this tack a bit further. They could do a story on:
- How Mayor Dave Kaptain regularly jaywalked, but he doesn’t do it anymore and he was never ticketed for it.
- City councilman Toby Shaw had a habit of cutting the tags off mattresses, but he gave it up for lent and the gendarmes never caught on.
- City Manager Rick Kozal repeatedly drove the length of Chicago Street at 45 mph in reverse at midnight, but he stopped doing that two months ago and he never had an accident.
C’mon! This could be the kind of journalistic innovation that finally separates the DH from that grocery store Penny Saver! It clearly has Pulitzer written all over it.
All kidding aside, never underestimate the depths to which those DH editors are willing to descend. I wonder what it’s like to have absolutely no shame?
Apparently, we’re running out of things to be outraged about
When news slipped out that Maroon 5 would be doing the Atlanta-based Superbowl 53 halftime extravaganza, the bovine manure hit the rotating cooling device faster that Khalil Mack can get to a Seahawks quarterback.
C’mon! Can’t you people be happy about anything? Though it would seem that bitching about everything actually does make some of you happy.
To wit, the talking heads went utterly berserk over the NFL’s failure to invite an Atlanta act to do the show. Why, the Tweetosphere went as far as declaring that locals like T. I., Ludacris, Outkast, and Usher would be far more appropriate.
One genius Tweeted, “Maroon 5? With all the artists from Atlanta that are 100 times better?”
Really? I may not be the biggest Maroon 5 fan, but they’ve certainly done alright at a time when it’s very difficult to stand out from the musical crowd. So, do we really have to denigrate them just because some nitwits are only able to think in terms of an end-of-the-bell-curve political correctness?
God, liberals – and sports writers – suck! (Please remember that I’m a liberal before you hit the send button.)
Also, for the record, I bleepin’ love Outkast, I’m good with Luda (though I don’t think ‘Move Bitch’ would go over very well at a fun family event), and Usher is one of the most talented people on the planet.
I’m betting you’ve already intuited that the underlying issue is the members of Maroon 5 happen to be predominantly white, while all of the aforementioned rap artists are black. It would seem the chorus of whiners mysteriously forgot about Beyonce (twice), Bruno Mars (twice), Lenny Kravitz, Missy Elliott, Destiny’s Child, The Black-eyed Peas, Usher, and Prince gracing the halftime presentation since 2007.
And Prince proffered the best Superbowl musical performance ever.
With Agent Orange in the White House, you’d think all of these self-righteous shriekers would have better things to consider than the “appropriate” NFL musical act. Apparently not! And when Jeff Ward has to tell you to stop bitching…
Reader Jim asked me to come up with any other scenario in which a sitting Illinois state’s attorney took on a major prosecution in another county. We couldn’t come up with a single one.
Since I got too much shit to do to start going through every major case in every county in Illinois, and I have such smart readers, do any of you all remember a sitting state’s attorney being appointed as a special prosecutor to a case in another county?
I look forward to your responses!