The plan was to start this piece in a Swiftian ‘A Modest Proposal’ fashion, but considering the fallout from the recent Elgin basement homeless slumber party fiasco, and the fact that virtually none of you can spell “satire,” much less handle it, I decided to play it safe.
Put more simply, some of y’all are really starting to suck!
You see, because I have nothing better to do, I’ve been threatening to torment Elgin Assistant City Manager extraordinaire, Laura Valdez, with the scenarios I could come up with that might make her life even more miserable than taking the heat for Elgin code enforcers abruptly ending those subterranean soirees.
It’s what I do!
1. I could post something on The First Ward explaining that, in an effort to keep taxes down for the one percent, Elgin is going to start charging homeless folks an hourly rate to sleep on those sidewalk benches.
2. Or I could inform former Elgin City Councilman John Prigge and friends that Ms. Valdez was behind an effort to have a statue of City Councilwoman Rose Martinez installed right there in front of City Hall.
3. Better yet, I could alert the citizenry to the fact that Laura authorized a $6,000 payment for Councilman Rich Dunne to take stripper lessons and to install a pole in the council chambers just to liven up those endless meetings.
But no! I won’t do it because, despite the blatant mendacity and my reputation for resorting to hyperbole, some of you would’ve gone ballistic and immediately started rallying the social media troops just to feed your boundless outrage addiction.
Not to mention I’m convinced Laura could kick my ass and I’m not convinced I can outrun her.
“But Jeff! No one would believe any of that stupid shit! People are more discerning than you think!”
Oh really? You mean like how you all utterly overreacted to the news that Greg Schiller couldn’t host homeless happenings in his Elgin home anymore? Not that that’s at all illegal and inappropriate.
When Elgin Mayor Dave Kaptain picked up the phone in this regard, my first words were, “Dave! You made NPR!” His quick retort was, “Jeff! We made the London Times!” That meant that city officials started receiving international death threats.
Not even I’ve managed to pull that kind of thing off! And I’m me!
Had any of the liberal rabble actually taken the time to consider the totality of the Elgin homeless evidence – not just this aberration – perhaps your underwear wouldn’t still be twisted and all tied up around your head.
And that just doesn’t look good on you.
As one high-raking Kane County Republican said to me, “It’s sad to see Elgin endure all this bad publicity. They’ve historically been very progressive in dealing with the homeless.”
Whether it’s working with and supporting P.A.D.S. and the other homeless shelters, reaching out to the chronically homeless, or simply working with local pastors, the City of Elgin and the Elgin Police have been exemplary in their enlightened approach to an insistent national problem.
But now, because the local, national and international newspapers would rather play to this vast pool of infinite outrage fueled by the rise of the liberal Tea Party than perform any kind of actual due diligence, the rest of the world believes Elgin regularly rounds up the homeless so they can send them to the Pit of Misery.
And you all fuckin’ fell for it!
Think people! Put the cell phone down, let go of social media, ignore the newspapers, turn off Fox News and MSNBC, take a deep breath, and – I don’t know – become truly informed?
Because some of y’all really are starting to get on my last good nerve.