As I’m wont to do, I was waxing poetic about all the shit that annoys me on Facebook yesterday, when my satirical sister-in-crime, Mona McCranky, asked me why I hate Halloween with such a flippin’ ferocity. I suppose a simple, “What’s not to hate?” would’ve sufficed, but since brevity has never been my bailiwick, a more thorough explanation is required.
You see, I’m not terribly fond of people ringing my doorbell to begin with, so it’s beyond horrifying to have to repeatedly answer the door just to give those ill-mannered disguised neighborhood progeny free candy, which only serves to hype them up more so their incapable of parenting parents can thrust them back upon the rest of us the next day.
That’s the real horror story here! How can Jason or Freddy possibly compare to that?
For all the goddam money I put into the school district and dole out to children selling all sorts of shit at my front door – I shouldn’t have to dole out free candy – they should be bringing me free liquor.
That would make Halloween much more palatable.
On the bright side, we had only one group of teenagers who clearly needed a shave, especially the young women. New rule! Trick-or-treating ends the second you walk through that middle school doorway.
Of course, the remaining idiot high schoolers, who aren’t anything to write home about on their best day, take Halloween as a license to behave more badly than they already do.
Not to mention all those south Fisher Farms parents, who can’t walk a scant block without a bottle of beer in their hand. And they don’t need any help ignoring their children as it is.
Speaking of costumes, though last night’s near-freezing temperatures put a damper on it, it’s so much fun to watch all those “me too” moms dress their middle school daughters like hookers. Sexy nurses, sexy devils, sexy policewomen and sexy gynecologists, because that’s the message you really want to send the boys and young girls everywhere.
Then there’s the neighborhood trend towards graphic scenes of dismemberment and other “humorous” mayhem. Considering what my neighbors already think of me, they probably shouldn’t be giving me ideas.
But worst of all, people invite you to parties, which, in and of themselves, are far more terrifying than anything we’ve already covered. I barely want to get dressed in the morning, much less have to put on some sort of costume only to be forced do deal with my adult neighbors who inexplicably, don’t get any more interesting when they’re drunk.
Though, I will say, my wife and I truly enjoyed watching all the neighbors skip our house last night. Apparently they didn’t get the memo about what a great guy I really am!
Put more simply, once again, adults have co-opted yet another children’s holiday and they sucked all of the innocent fun out of it. Thank God it’s over for another year.
You can’t turn Hendrix down!
So, the body parts they found along the lakefront and in the Lincoln Park lagoon, indeed, turned out to be our missing Elgin woman.
Apparently, fed up with his mother’s insistence on a quieter Jimi Hendrix experience, the son decided that homicide was the only option. It was an eminently unreasonable request – the statute clearly states that ‘Foxy Lady’ must be played at maximum volume at all times – but I might’ve resorted to headphones before considering murder and dismemberment.
It would’ve been a close call.
Perhaps all those graphic neighborhood Halloween displays made him think it was alright.
The Daily Herald downsizes
Despite the fact they’re profitable and they fail to report any real news as it is, according to media blogger and occasional Daily Herald columnist, Rob Feder, Paddock Publications is offering buyouts to DH staffers in all departments.
Why, they’re going as far as threatening to give them a week’s severance for every year of employment plus three months of medical coverage. Be still my beating heart! If no volunteers come forward, and none will for that paltry payout, Paddock will resort to layoffs which does wonders for company morale.
So basically, this is downsizing under the guise of giving folks an option that really isn’t an option.
“We’re trying to get ahead of the curve here, and we need some breathing room to execute on the strategy to grow the business in new and different ways,” said Doug Ray, chairman, publisher and CEO of the Daily Herald Media Group.
Why start now, Doug?
We’ve already covered those impending “strategies,” which include running stories about nothing and printing columns informing us they won’t be writing about what they were writing about.
They are novel strategies, I will give them that.
So, since the DH and TheFirstWard.net have reached a new level of détente, and given my generally magnanimous comportment, I’m willing to provide a list of who should take those buyouts in the order they should take them. So, here goes:
1. Harry Hitzeman – (It would be cheaper to pay him off by the IQ point)
2. Jim Fuller – (He doesn’t even get it right twice a day)
3. Mike Smith – (He lets Jim Fuller get away with all that stupid shit)
4. Jim Baumann – (The guy who writes about writing should really be able to write)
5. Elena Ferarrin – (She can’t even get restaurant names right)
6. John Lampinen – (The inept bosses should go first)
7. Jim Slusher – (See the above comment)
8. Madhu Krishnamurthy – (She never met a run-on sentence she didn’t like)
9. Kerry Lester – (It’s the IQ thing again)
10. Justin Kmitch – (Because that’s a silly last name)
11. All the rest are tied.
And people have the nerve to say I’m not a nice guy.