Quick Hits – September 8, 2017

The real court officers of Kane County

As if the prospect of getting justice in the 16th Circuit wasn’t a proposition already fraught with peril, it gets worse. Though y’all know I’m prone to fits of hyperbole, I’m not so sure it’s an exaggeration to say that, whether it’s Peck Road and Route 38, or Third Street in Geneva, everybody’s sleeping with everybody else.

And it ain’t necessarily with their husbands or wives, either.

Alright, it’s not that bad. As I’ve previously stipulated, there are some great people in the Kane County justice system, but whenever defense attorneys sleep with prosecutors and judges boink both sides, it’s a problem. Inter- and intra-office affairs don’t make the situation any better, either.

Workplace Affairs

Look! For the most part, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about who gets busy with whom. If they happen to be married at the time, it’s generally something that should be left between spouses. But when these “relationships” screw justice (pun intended), it does become a problem.

What do you think happens when a judge’s paramour appears before him or her, or someone comes up for a high level position? It gives a whole new meaning to the term “special treatment.”

Again, it ain’t all of ‘em, but one is one too many.

Even if the people involved aren’t married, sleeping with an opposite-side attorney, a judge, or even an interoffice affair can create the kind of bias that means we regular folks always lose. Not to mention what can happen when one of these dalliances ends badly, as most do.

Worse yet, when career advancement is based on who you boinked, and not talent and hard work, it does a massive disservice to the folks who actually abide by all the ethical standards.

The citizens of Kane County deserve far better than this bullshit. I know workplace affairs aren’t nearly limited to our justice system, but the folks charged with enforcing our legal standard should always be held to a higher one. They’re supposed to uphold the system, not subvert it.

By their very nature, certain jobs bring limits. Since no one put a gun to anyone’s head and said “you have to be a prosecutor, judge, defense attorney, or public defender,” you implicitly accept those limits the second you sign on.

So, to the prosecutors, defense attorneys, and especially judges, who insist on pulling this stupid shit, you have one month to clean up your act. After that, I start naming names. And I always know the names because the people disgusted with this kind of unprofessional rutting always come to me about it.

Not only that, but if any of the good guys see something that’s clearly compromising the system, you can always find me at jeffnward@comcast.net. Your privacy is guaranteed. Trust me, due diligence will be performed, but it’s not terribly difficult to confirm this kind of thing.

Put more simply, if you won’t police yourselves, I will.


An article about nothing?

Apparently the folks at the Daily Herald have been watching too many Seinfeld reruns. Because just like that show about nothing, now, the Daily Herald is writing about nothing. I know this sounds like a Jeff Ward joke, but I kid you not!

“Gurnee says no evidence of Klan activity,” the headline blared. Then the story went on to recount how the Gurnee Police have uncovered no Ku Klux Klan activity for the last 30 years. So now the lack of news is news?

Though I certainly appreciate the Daily Herald going out of their way to prove all of my previous points, not even I thought they could get this silly. But rather than rail against that paper one more time; rather than spit into the wind for the 3,742 time; perhaps it’s time to simply accept this new journalistic standard.


So, it’s in that very vein that, in an effort to make peace, I will generously provide the Daily Herald with a slew of story ideas about things that haven’t happened:

  • The aliens haven’t landed
  • Donald Trump behaved presidentially
  • Illinois balanced their budget
  • The North Koreans have not invaded Waukegan
  • An asteroid did not strike Luxembourg
  • Godzilla did not appear in the ocean outside Japan
  • Bigfoot has not been discovered

I’m sure I can come up with more, but that oughtta keep those editors busy for a while.

Come to think of it, writing about nothing could greatly improve that paper, because, when their reporters actually write about something, they get it wrong.

The DH completely blew their coverage of the SB1 education funding bill getting almost every material fact wrong in one article. Then, another reporter wrote an entire piece about a line item in a Kane County Board resolution that had already been removed from that resolution.

Perhaps writing about nothing is the best thing that that paper could do. It worked for Jerry Seinfeld.


Quick Hits – September 6, 2017

Governor Rauner compromises? No wonder it’s so cold out!

So, we have school funding? And school funding reform, no less? If any of y’all had told me, after two years of abject budget battle brutality, Governor Rauner would’ve compromised on this loaded topic, I would’ve told your significant other to lock up the liquor cabinet.

But we do have it, and suddenly I’m seriously considering the prospect that the Governor may actually want to, well, govern! Hopefully I won’t get too far ahead of myself here because, as that great philosopher Craig Ferguson once said, “I’ve been hurt before!”

But no sooner was that bill in the bag, than my liberal compatriots managed to utterly aggravate the shit out of me one more time. You see, now they’re the ones bitchin’ about getting just 90 percent of what they wanted.

Rauner 4

And if I’m gonna give the Governor crap for beefing about a 90 percent political win – something rarer that a Trump supporter with a brain – then my progressive friends are going to get both barrels.

What’s wrong with you people? I understand school vouchers are heinous contrivances that will eventually be found unconstitutional, but the best compromises always make both sides a bit unhappy. Furthermore, the word “compromise,” as derived from the Latin “compromissum,” means “mutual promise.”

That means that both sides have to offer something in order for it to be a “compromise.” To quote that great philosopher Mark Knopfler, you never get “your money for nothing and your chicks for free.”

As U-46 CEO Tony Sanders basically said, he’s not happy with the voucher part, but he can live with the 90 percent of the bill he likes. In fact, I told him that kind of massive political victory means he should celebrate by running around Bartlett naked and now I can’t get that mage out of my head.

Goddamn liberals!


School vouchers suck!

Just when I think I’m about to turn to the dark side, conservatives display the kind of contemptible hypocrisy that makes me long for a hug from Michael Moore. Because nothing says big government, religious intolerance and “unconstitutional” like school vouchers.

Why should I have to pay one cent for your Ill-mannered progeny to attend propaganda camp? This country was founded on the proposition that Church and State should always be separate and school vouchers ain’t it.

School Vouchers


How do I know this? I went to nine years of Catholic school and graduated from Loyola University of Chicago and those folks would have you believe that:

  • A virgin gave birth
  • Your wife will go to hell if she grabs your attacker by the balls
  • Polyester is a mortal sin
  • You can end a marriage by saying it never happened
  • You can pay your way into heaven
  • A man was swallowed by a whale, and
  • There’s a man in the sky watching over you all the time

The irony, of course, is, it was those wicked Loyola Jesuits who provided the ammunition for me to finally renounce that level of insanity, which in no way helps the cultural situation. Once you get people to believe in that kind of stupid shit, it’s not that hard to get them to believe in more stupid shit – Donald Trump, for example.

Please don’t think I’m picking on Catholics. With the exception of Zen Buddhism, none of the other major religions are any better. Don’t get me started on the Church of Latter Day Saints or Scientology, either.

Yes! I understand these vouchers can be used to attend any private school, and Yes! I understand they’re supposed to give underprivileged kids a shot a private education. But 83 percent of U.S. private schools are Christian and Illinois charter schools were supposed to primarily serve poor children.

But it certainly didn’t work out that way, did it? Just ask the Governor, who thought New Trier wasn’t good enough for his daughter and he paid her way into Chicago’s Payton High Charter School.

The bottom line is, school vouchers are patently unconstitutional and conservatives should be banned. There! I finally said it.


The sugar tax is coming! The sugar tax is coming!

Speaking of Governor Rauner, I’ve received a slew of calls from furious Republican Kane County Board members who’d like nothing more than to see the Governor’s head served up on a silver platter.

Apparently that Catholic education wasn’t all bad. (Look it up!)

In an effort to rally the troops, that crack Rauner campaign team hit Facebook and other social media with a “Stop the sugar tax from coming to Kane County” meme. And since it takes very little to rile today’s conservative voters – except for Nazi’s, of course – those board members have been inundated with irate constituents demanding the head of anyone who approves a Cook County-esque soft drink tax.

So, instead of making county government work better, these board members are spending all their time explaining that Kane County is considering no such thing.

All it would’ve taken to avoid this snafu, is a slight shift in the wording. Something like, “Don’t let the sugar tax come to your county!” would’ve been fine, but that wouldn’t have gotten nearly as many Kane County chicken littles to sign onto the campaign.

The irony (we’ve used that word a lot today) is, because conservatives have the attention span of a gnat on speed, this campaign “tactic” may well create a “throw all the Kane County Board bums out” mentality. And since the message was aimed at Republicans, well, you know the end of that story.

The governors and his people never seem to miss an opportunity to get it wrong!


What’s wrong with Geneva parents?

So there I am, walking the dog in my parka this morning, when I see all manner of children heading to the middle school bus or elementary school building in nothing but a t-shirt and shorts.

Ok, Ok! It was a balmy 44 degrees and I wasn’t wearing any arctic gear, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the kinda chilly morning that made midsummer gear utterly inappropriate.

If natural selection were to take its course and render these children sterile – or worse (sadly, it’s too late for their parents), I’d be OK with it. But that’s not what’s going to happen.

What’s going to happen is, with their immune systems already compromised from 90 pounds of sugar and 32 hours of video gaming a day, they’ll shortly get sick and pass the plague along to all the other children, who will pass it along to the adults.

If you ever wondered how the least common denominator brings everyone else down, this is a perfect example.

In all fairness, I’m picking on Genevans because that’s what I see every day – I’m sure the rest of Kane County is no better. But it does make wonder if middle class white people have abrogated their parental responsibility to the point where they’re not willing to say “no” to their children about anything?

That’s certainly seems to be the case in my south Fisher Farms neighborhood.

For those of you who were clearly raised by wolves, it is not appropriate to send your child to school in a t-shirt and shorts when it’s under 60 degrees. A sweatshirt or jacket, and perhaps long pants, would be a far better choice. It’s called actually being a parent.

Please try it sometime.