Quick Hits – September 25, 2017

I won the wrong lottery!

If you’re part of the Equifax credit breach, and I’ve heard it’s anyone with a credit card of any kind, and you have a reasonably good credit rating, go ahead and issue a security freeze through Trans Union, Experian and Equifax.

It’s pretty simple to do it online.


My faulty thought process was, with 140 million people affected, what are the odds the crooks would ever find my account? But they did! So someone spent the better part of the weekend trying to open Neiman Marcus, Saks and Target credit accounts in the Bronx.

My doppelganger was armed with an Illinois driver’s license with the correct address, and he has my social security number too. But thankfully, there was enough erroneous information included that none of the applications went through.

Between Trans Union and Experian, this freeze process will run you 20 bucks total and word on the street is Equifax will eventually be forced to reimburse folks for that expense.


It just gets worse for Wheaton College

I can’t remember a better example of how ineffectively handling a bad public relations situation can cause it to spin completely out of control than Wheaton College’s continuing “response” to the hazing incident that led to felony charges against five of their football players.

To wit, the Chicago Tribune got ahold of a Wheaton College letter to the hazing victim in which administrators not only backed the hazers, but actually accused the victim of lying about his shoulder injuries, which ultimately required three separate surgeries.

Their basis for taking that position was that the victim’s former roommate claimed it was a pre-existing condition. Yes! That’s a great strategy? Never consider the fact that a college student, faced with the full weight of the Wheaton administration, might tell you exactly what you want to hear.

Meanwhile, ABC managed to get their hands on the victim’s medical records and, surprise, surprise, there’s no evidence of any prior injury whatsoever. Gee! Wouldn’t you think Wheaton College might’ve made the same effort?


Apparently not! As long as that “logic” keeps a nationally ranked football team on the field, right?

Then a skeptical uncle of a non-involved Wheat College football player said of the hazing investigation actually had the nerve to say, “I think it’s curious. I wonder why it’s coming out now?”

Really? The only conspiracy here is a college trying to sweep the whole think under the rug.

By their very nature, felony investigations take time. And as the Wheaton Police and State’s Attorney’s offices explained, dozens of people had to be interviewed during the investigation, a process that was “complicated” by students going home for the summer.

Do any of you really think DuPage State’s Attorney Bob Berlin wanted to file these charges?

I’ve spoken with Bob on at least five occasions over the past decade, and while he certainly has his shortcomings, political naiveté ain’t one of ‘em. Trust me, filing felony charges against star players on a nationally ranked football team at one of the most well-regarded Christian Colleges in the country was not at the top of his to do list.

So, if the DuPage State’s Attorney’s office was going to sign off on this one, they were gonna be damn sure the charges would stick. That’s why it took so long. Despite their bitter complaints, the players’ attorneys know this.

Wheaton College will survive this national news story, but they will never be the same. I’m not so sure that’s necessarily a bad thing, either. The first thing that really needs to happen is some rolling heads.

“And they’ll know we are Christians by our love” – or the lack of it!


Oh say why can’t you see?

To quote Katherine Ryan, my favorite female comedian, “White people!” All this falderal over who stands, sits or stays in the locker room during NFL national anthems has me longing to disown my Caucasian heritage.

Not that it hasn’t happened before.

Thank God I can always fall back on being officially designated as an honorary Mexican. Who knew there’d be a bright side to that insistent Geneva Police harassment?

First, can anyone explain the need to play the national anthem before sporting events? No? I didn’t think so. If you want to play it, then, by all means, go for it, but my experience has been its generally wasted on fans who arrive at the stadium already wasted while they can’t be bothered to take off their hats.


And while we’re at it, ain’t it interesting that those athletes point to the sky after striking out the side, but when they walk in the winning run in the top of the tenth inning they don’t flip God the bird?

But I digress.

So, how is it that white folks will bitch about those Black Lives Matter tactics, but when a black man stages a simple and peaceful anthem protest, they go batshit crazy? I haven’t heard this much Caucasian keening since they cancelled “The Golden Girls.”

When the Pittsburgh Steelers stayed in their locker room during Sunday’s Solider Field Star Spangled Banner, I thought white folks everywhere were going to spontaneously combust. Never mind that college football teams generally don’t take the field until after the anthem is played.

Look, most of y’all wouldn’t last ten minutes being black in this culture. And to top that magic off, we have a president who blatantly supports white supremacists and regularly resorts to divisiveness to rile up his base.

Taking a knee during the national anthem? It’s a heck of a lot better than rioting in the streets which is what I’d be doing if I was black. Nobody had a cow while Tim Tebow was doing his best Pharisee at the temple impersonation.

Respect the anthem, flag and country, you say? Call me crazy, but isn’t the best way to honor those who died defending freedom speech to exercise it? This country was founded on the very notion of protest. So, God bless these NFL players – black and white – who have the courage to stand up for those who don’t have their voice.

Chill out white people. You’re only embarrassing yourselves. How hard would it be to change my last name to Rodriguez?


The Net ain’t just for porn!

Much like billiards in ‘The Music Man,’ marijuana in ‘Refer Madness’ and dancing in ‘Footloose,’ the Internet has taken an undeserved beating at the hands of folks who think it will bring civilization to its knees.

Oh, c’mon! Like most sea change tools, the Net is nothing more than what you make of it. It can lead you down the primrose path or it can help you unclog a toilet, which is a really good thing.

You see, my son’s rather large Plecostomus suddenly perished (a black algae eating aquarium fish), and before I could tell him not to flush it, he did. Rather that completely plug the commode, which would’ve been a much easier fix, it partially blocked it which rendered that tried and true plunger ineffective.

So I turned to the World Wide Web for answers, and sure enough, a Youtube video encouraged slow toilet syndrome sufferers to take the following steps:

  1. Pour a bucket of hot water into the basin of the toilet.
  2. Despite the label’s warning, sparingly apply Drano to the now warm water.
  3. Inject a teaspoon of dish soap into the reservoir overflow pipe.
  4. Wait ten minutes.

And voila! The deceased Plecostomus slid to his final watery grave – no plumber, no rodding and no (alright, not much!) swearing necessary.

For all the abuse heaped upon it, the Internet can be a magical thing.


The sport report

Why is Marcus Cooper still a Chicago Bear?

Not since Leon Lett’s similar Superbowl XXVII gaffe have I seen such a boneheaded play.

Briefly, since it’s all over the web, Sherrick McManus blocked a Chris Boswell field goal attempt with six seconds left in the first half and the pigskin fortuitously fell into Bear’s cornerback Marcus Cooper’s waiting arms. Cooper ran it back 73 for what should’ve been a sure touchdown.


But just like Lett before him, he slowed down and started showboating at the five yard line which gave Steelers tight end Vance McDonald just enough time to strip the ball at the one-yard line. Boswell batted the loose ball out of the end zone, which may not be a touchback, but it was a penalty.

After a discussion of monumental proportion – or perhaps they heard me screaming at the screen – the refs finally realized that the half (or the game, for that matter) cannot end on a defensive penalty. So they got the Steelers back out of the locker room for one untimed play at the half-yard line.

And wouldn’t you know it, the Bears blew that with yet another false start penalty and they had to settle for a 23 yard field goal. It was only because of the fine work of Jordan Howard and Tarik Cohen, the best Bears running combo since Payton and Harper, that the home team managed to pull it off in overtime.

If I was Ryan Pace or any of the McCaskeys, in the words of that great philosopher Don Henley, Cooper would be “already gone!” Case closed.

2 thoughts on “Quick Hits – September 25, 2017

  1. . . . It seems tRUMP has finally brought people together . . .
    . . . . . AGAINST HIM ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

  2. Good coverage of the Wheaton college debacle!

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