Quick Hits – September 11, 2017

Alas poor Daniel, we hardly knew ye! Part one.

Just when our lackluster Illinois Democratic governor-lite candidate, Daniel Biss, was finally starting to gain traction with his “Take Illinois back from billionaires” message, he pulls the kind of abjectly stupid political bullshit that ended his campaign in a scant 24 hours.

And when you consider that Donald Trump didn’t go down for the whole “pussy grabbing” thing, what the Biss team did takes real talent!

Just one short week after bringing him on board, in the words of that great philosopher Snoop Doggy Dog, Biss dropped running mate Chicago Alderman Carlos Ramirez-Rosa like it’s hot.


Somehow, that crack campaign team completely missed the fact that Ramirez-Rosa had previously been critical of Israel. And when I say “critical” I mean the Alderman simply said the U.S. should use its vast influence to force them to negotiate with the Palestinians in good faith – something I completely agree with.

Because when it comes to picking batshit crazy leaders, Israel is only second to the great U.S. of A.

Of course, those crazy-assed liberals, who like free speech until they don’t, had a hissy fit. So, when “I’ll do anything to win an election” Democratic Deerfield U.S. Rep. Brad Schneider pulled his endorsement, Biss immediately melted down into a pile of microwaved Jello, cutting Ramirez-Rosa loose.

That shows real commitment.

The irony is, a Schneider endorsement and three bucks couldn’t get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks. But I’m sure the Schneider team reminded Biss that both my Evanston hometown and neighboring Skokie harbor the kind of large Jewish population that would not be amused by any anti-Israel sentiment on any level.

And if you can’t get something as simple as the Lieutenant Governor vetting process right, then why should anyone trust your capacity to govern?

Furthermore, why would anyone who, under the auspices of running as the “noble outsider” pick a Chicago Alderman as their Lieutenant Governor? As the great Mike Royko said to Lucile Orr, mother of then Alderman David Orr, when she criticized his assertion that all Chicago Aldermen were dishonest:

As much as I respect your maternal protectiveness, I have to raise this question: If you were a good mother, why did you permit your little boy to grow up to be a Chicago alderman?

Though it’s much easier to end a campaign than it is to win one, this is a textbook example of how to end your political career in the shortest amount of time and with the least amount of effort.

You’re done Dan! Stop taking peoples’ money.


Alas poor Daniel, we hardly knew ye! Part two.

When a friend’s son told me about this one, my immediate reaction was, “No way! No one could be this blitheringly oblivious. But once again, to quote the great P.T. Barnum or the slightly below average Jeff Ward (I’m not sure which), “No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the average Illinois politician.”

To wit, if you go to the Biss for Governor Website, it has a “store.” And in that store, we mere mortals can enjoy the rare privilege of purchasing a yard sign for twenty-five bucks. Nowhere on the site can you simply ask for a yard sign.

Biss Sign

Personally, I think you’d be better off with the Biss sweatshirt for just a sawbuck, or perhaps a lapel pin for $15.

What our soon-to-be-retired State Senator doesn’t seem to understand is, while you can offer a premium for a certain sized donation, if someone simply asks for a yard sign, you really oughtta send your team out to put it up stat.

Call me crazy, but you’re not supposed to extort money from folks for doing you a favor. Please forgive my foul mouth but, who the fuck is advising this guy?

What do I tell my candidates? Do you want me to tell you what you want to hear, or do you want me to tell you the truth?

And the truth is, Dan, to quote that great philosopher Hawk Harrelson, “You gone!”


The real court officers of Kane County – addendum

I was going to include this point of reference in Friday’s column on Kane County Judicial Center affairs and how they warp the justice system, but a source asked me not to, so I didn’t. Ah! But then, as a result of that piece, a number of other folks came forward with the same scenario, freeing me from my obligation to the original source.

So, in an effort to prove I ain’t makin’ any of this shit up, in regards to a retired 16th Circuit judge, it would be easier to list the prosecutors and defense attorneys he didn’t sleep with, than to list the ones he did. And he was married most of the time.

Oh! And to all the girls he boinked before? These new sources noted that this judge regularly bragged about his conquests, by name, to any male who would listen. Perhaps there is some justice at Route 38 and Peck Road after all!

Y’all have 27 days to clean up your act!


A keen perception of the obvious

In her new tell-all book, not only does Hillary Clinton blame Bernie Sanders for her stunning presidential loss, but she says she’s “done with being a candidate.”


Really? I thought getting beaten by the Orangeman Group pretty much put any future possibility to bed? Talk about how to tarnish a once-decent legacy.

God! Liberals suck. But thankfully, conservatives still suck more!

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