Quick Hits – August 9, 2017

Soft drinks are for socialists!

So, Kane County Board member Kurt Kojzarek’s Facebook post decrying the nanny state in regard to Cook County’s new soda tax went viral. That post essentially invited Cook Countians to do their grocery shopping, and thus, make their soft drink purchases in Kane County.

As Kurt put it, “Man! I really think people love their soda.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not big on taxes or this nanny state BS either. I don’t need the government telling me what to do – that’s my wife’s job. And as you may recall, I’ve frequently come out in favor of letting natural selection take its course.

No Soft Drinks

But what frosts my cookies is these “Give me Pepsi or give me death!” conservatives will be the first ones to run to the socialist side when their bad habits finally come home to the health care roost. You see, the carnage soda wreaks on our bodies includes, but is not nearly limited to:

  1. Just one can of Coke a day puts you at a 26 percent greater risk for Type 2 diabetes.
  2. A Harvard University study found that each 12-ounce can of soda increases the odds of childhood obesity by 60 percent.
  3. Just one Pepsi a day increases the risk of a heart attack by 20 percent.
  4. Soft drinks, and especially diet soft drinks, are so acidic they destroy bones and teeth leading to osteoporosis and massive tooth decay.
  5. Artificial sweeteners are suspected of causing cancer and MS.
  6. Ironically, in many cases, soft drinks actually make dehydration worse.

And when y’all get sick from prolonged consumption of something this bad for you, you’ll run right to your doctor – or end up in the hospital – and then all of our insurance rates go up. That’s about as socialist as it gets.

Why should I pay for your refusal to take personal responsibility for your well-being?

So here’s the plan! All you conservative soft drinkers can prove your dedication to the non-nanny state principle by pledging that, should you suffer from the ill effects of your poor choices, you will pay for any ensuing health care costs yourself and leave the insurance companies out of it.

I always come up with the perfect solution, don’t I!


Could Tri-Cities school parents become any more entitled?

In general, Tri-Cities school enrollment is down to the point where the Geneva and St. Charles school districts are talking about closing schools. But as is always the case with that big picture math, there will always be statistical anomalies that buck the trend.

For example, D304 (Geneva/Mill Creek) recently experienced the kind of southwest side population bump that forced them to consider reworking the Fabyan and Mill Creek Elementary School student balance.

Now, it would seem that D303 (St. Charles) is facing a fourth grade bulge forcing them to increase the average 24 student class size to 28 or 29. To quote the great Marlon Brando in ‘Apocalypse Now,’ “The horror!”


So, Corron Elementary School parents want the district to hire another fourth-grade teacher so their children can enjoy the same amount of classroom “space” as all the other children. In fact, the Daily Herald talked to a Corron parent whom, upon asking her son about his class size, got this response:

“It’s just really crowded. When we go down to the rug and talk to our teacher, we don’t all fit on the rug. We have to alternate who gets cold on the tile.”

And the mother, who shall remain nameless because she’s clearly embarrassed herself enough already, immediately started rending her garments as she told the reporter, “That almost put me in tears. They are just getting bigger and bigger. There’s going to be more not fitting on the rug.”

First, fourth-grade is about the time that rug sitting stops. Second, those kids will only be in Corron for one more year. After that, it’s middle school with no rug sitting at all. Third, hiring more fourth- or fifth-grade teachers will only solve the problem for a year. And fourth, as Superintendent Jason Pearson pointed out, unable to play favorites, they’d have to hire 25 fourth-grade teachers at a district-wide cost of $1.6 million.

And that ain’t chump change.

But I think these vastly over-entitled parents really need to do is hoist their whiny butts off the couch long enough to visit an East Aurora classroom or take a tour of one of the “poorer” U-46 elementary schools. That’d shut ‘em up real quick.

They have to sit on the tile floor? I sleep on the bleepin’ floor because it’s cold, hard and my back loves it. I’d sleep on the front sidewalk if it weren’t for the coyotes and the fact the police might pick me up for vagrancy.

So, I will sum up this story in the words of my favorite female comic, Katherine Ryan, “White people!”


It’s a honey of an idea

Anyone who owns an above ground swimming pool knows they attract wasps – especially during a dry summer. So as my wife was headed out to the pool a few years ago, I shouted, “You really need to check for wasp nests before you get in.” But since women never listen, I watched her run back into the house in tears a scant five minutes later.

Foolishly racing to be by her side, I got both barrels for “predicting” what would happen to her. I tried to explain that my warning was merely coincidental, and I didn’t cause the wasp stings, but I don’t think I ever won that argument.

I did find the offending nests and they were quickly eliminated.


But the real answer to our pool and wasp conundrum would be backyard bees! You see, honeybees are generally docile creatures until wasps or yellow jackets invade their territory. Then they become the just like a Canadian going after the puck.

Not only that, but considering Monsanto is killing off bees as fast as they can, home hives help to restore those depleted populations. But, despite the fact that bees actually reduce the danger of being stung, you can’t have backyard beehives in Geneva because they’re illegal.

Ah! But those fine folks on the Elgin City Council will shortly take up this very question. And if they’re nearly as smart as I think they are, this no-downside proposition should be a no-brainer.

Perhaps I’ll approach the Geneva City Council in the same regard! I’m not sure I could survive my wife getting stung again.


One thought on “Quick Hits – August 9, 2017

  1. C”r”ook County only needs to look to Philly to see how a beverage tax didn’t do what was expected. Revenue isn’t making projections while soda companies have laid off drivers and merchandisers because the retail business has disappeared to outlying retail stores. The ironic thing about this county tax is that those on public assistance are exempt from paying it.

    The school enrollment issue is very interesting. You are right in that there will always be ebbs and flows in enrollment. In Geneva’s case, misrepresenting future enrollment in 2007 has turned into debt of more than $350 million (principle & interest) that will not be paid off until almost 2030. If they would have used their own paid consultant’s projections, the referendum would have near been on the ballot. That is a proven fact. Jeff, I know you will love the above comment.

    Classroom size is spelled in all teacher contracts. Entitled children sitting on a cold tile floor isn’t a reason to hire a new teacher. The comment of needing to hire 25 teachers so every school is “equal” is the mindset of most school district’s. It isn’t their money so why not spend.

    Maybe Mayor Burns should push the aldermen to allow residential bee hives. They could collect the honey and sell it to eliminate the proposed .5% sales tax. They could even have the honey collected by on-duty firemen!

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