Jayden K. Smith ain’t gonna eat your children (but I wish he would)
Though I truly admire the chutzpah of anyone who can roil the entire Internet with something so singularly stupid, the fact that so many of my smart friends fell for it has me even more depressed than a Trump tweet.
C’mon people! There isn’t some silly hacker out there dying to friend you just so he can secure the names of all the Facebook hookers you’ve secretly friended. Please think about it for just 10 bleepin’ seconds.
First, though it’s correctly spelled “Jaden,” that’s the name of actor Will Smith’s son.
Then, there are 2 billion active Facebook users and somehow this nefarious hacker found you? To put that in perspective, you are 2,857 times more likely to be stuck by lightning, seven times more likely to win that Powerball jackpot and 549 times more likely to die in a terrorist attack, and that stat includes 9/11 victims.
Then pray tell, how is this hacker, who manages to get around more than Santa Claus, going to break into your account merely by means of being friended? As long as I know your email address, I can try to break into your Facebook account right now – especially if your password is “password” or “12345678.”
Then, even if Mr. Smith managed to use your “about me” data to correctly deduce your password, he couldn’t even get your credit card number. The best he could do is lock you out of your own account and hit your friends up for money.
C’mon! Real hackers are looking for the big score by finding a back door into corporate computer systems that provide thousands of credit card numbers. They don’t give a flying bleep about little old you.
And as The Bard once said, “Ain’t that the real rub!” All of these hoaxes start with the notion that we all think we’re special. Somehow, we’re the one in two billion Mr. Smith chose to target.
It’s why people believe, without even bothering to enter, they just won a lottery sponsored by a Nigerian prince. It’s why people believe Donald Trump’s blatant lies. It’s why people will open random emails with an “I love you” subject only to spread a virus throughout their entire organization.
The reason I never fall for any of this shit is, I live by the sage words of that late, great philosopher B. B. King, who once said, “Nobody loves me but my mother, and she could be jivin’, too!”
It’s why fear and pandering by conservative Republicans works so well. The unwashed masses are “taking” from you. The terrorists are aiming directly at you. The gays are coming to recruit you!
But none of that’s the case. Considering what I’ve seen out here in my Geneva south Fisher Farms neighborhood, gay folks have much better taste.
So, trust me, you’re not special! Beyond the vagaries of the kind of probability that makes a lighting strike seem imminent, nobody’s coming for you. Jayden K. Smith is the mere figment of a fertile imagination. It’s nothing more than some guy who exploited the “I’m special” self-esteem movement mindset to set off the kind of digital landslide that’s making him laugh his ass off.
All voter data is public record
To continue with today’s anti-hoax-ish theme, when the Trump administration asked all 50 states for various iterations of their voter data, I haven’t seen so much liberal keening (look it up!) and rending of garments since Whole Foods stopped carrying organic jicama.
Normally rational people went completely batshit crazy as they decried the kind of jackboot thuggery that made this nothing more than a National Socialist move. But the truth is, with the exception of whom you vote for, everything else is public record, including:
· Your birthday
· Your address
· How you voted – early, absentee or on election day
· Every primary ballot you pulled – Republican or Democrat
· Every district in which you can vote
and much more! It does not include the last four digits of your social security number, but since it contains everything else, no one really needs that. And how many corporate and medical folks already have your entire social security number?
I think I’m one of the few people who won’t give it out under any circumstance.
All it took to acquire voter data for the entire state of Illinois was forming a political committee at no cost, and paying the Illinois State Board of Elections $500 for the privilege. If I wanted something simpler like collar county data, it would have been a mere $150 and even less for the City of Aurora.
Similarly, if Kane County Clerk Jack Cunningham likes you, he’ll give you Kane County voter data for free – committee or not. (And if he doesn’t like you, he’ll provide outdated or incomplete data.)
Not only that, but both parties maintain killer databases that include far more information. They’ll even “score” you by partisan issue. The Democrat’s version is called “Votebuilder,” and it’s the tool that helped President Obama win nine out of nine 2012 battleground states.
Since they don’t play well with each other, the GOP has three separate databases and, while none of ‘em can quite match Votebuilder, they’re more than enough to get the average candidate elected.
Which is exactly why people pay to obtain this data – they either want to get elected or they want to get someone else elected. So the irony of the Trump administration’s request is, they’re too stupid to realize they already have access to the voter information they’re so desperately seeking.
If, for some strange reason, you still doubt me, please provide your name and current city in the comments section and I’ll be happy to post your entire voting history going back to the year 2000.
So liberals! Calm down! You’re really starting to annoy the bleep out of me. The Brownshirts aren’t coming to steal your voting history – they don’t have to.
On a good note!
Now, this one isn’t a hoax! Though it wasn’t easy getting it done, according to Kane County Auditor Terry Hunt, his mother came through the angiogram with flying colors. As Terry put it, “It was the best outcome we could’ve hoped for.”
So he and I would like to thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers and I’d like to remind you all of exactly what can happen when we positively put our minds together!