Quick Hits – June 30, 2017

You’re famous baby!

It must be nice! Use your appointed position, a job you’ve never had to earn because no one’s ever run against you, as a pulpit to make the kind of high-profile moves that’ll get you a better and more prestigious gig.

I shoulda thought of that! Well, either that or I shoulda started a credit card company, but that’s another story.

If you turned on the local TV news last week, you couldn’t possibly have missed the not-quite-smiling faces of Kane County State’s Attorney Joe McMahon, Criminal Division head Joe Cullen and a bevy of other Kane County prosecutors as the Laquan McDonald case got underway in earnest.

Chicago Police

The irony, of course, is while the supposed cream of the Kane County prosecutorial crop are plying their trade in downtown Chicago, they’re not doing in it here. And all this after the State’s Attorney asked for an extra million budgetary dollars which helped propel the Kane County directly into a $1.7 million 2017 hole.

Like I said, it must be nice!

I certainly hope my friends on the County Board carefully consider this fascinating scenario when Mr. McMahon inevitably asks for a bigger 2018 budget.

But there is a silver lining to every cloud! Joe McMahon may generally be competent in court, but every time we get Joe Cullen out of the county, legal disaster is much less likely to strike. And the McDonald prosecution ain’t gonna be over anytime soon.

Hey Joe! You ever think about working in Kane County?

 

The Daily Herald does it Again!

So everyone in that main Arlington Heights Daily Herald newsroom is doing crotch bumps over the fact they managed to get an absentee Mundelein trustee and D211 school board member to resign.

Be still my beating heart!

Meanwhile, I got to the bottom of the Delnor hostage crisis, exposed malfeasance in the State’s Attorney’s office and have taken on a great deal of the 16th Circuit judiciary.

One guy against a vast newsroom! That sounds fair doesn’t it?

Daily Herald Building

So, after the DH got those two non-entities to resign, in a move that’s disingenuous at best and downright hypocritical at worst, they wrote an editorial righteously declaring we need more and better candidates to run.

It continues to be beyond baffling that the very folks charged with upholding societal standards are so deaf, dumb and blind when it comes to applying them to themselves. And if you call those “journalists” out, they’re even worse than Donald Trump with a 2 a.m. cell phone.

What will it take to get the DH to admit that they’re greatly responsible for peoples’ reticence to run? C’mon! What candidate would want to put up with their general and unyielding bullshit? For example:

1. The DH endorses incumbents 95 percent of the time. That’s a great way to encourage new folks to come forward.

2. Please tell me the last time that newspaper had anything good to say about any candidate or sitting politician? Kane County Circuit Clerk, Tom Hartwell, has returned millions to the general fund since he took office in 2012, but all the Daily Herald writes about is the problems with his new computer system.

3. If a first-time candidate says, does or has done anything that could be considered the slightest bit contentious, the Daily Herald will make sure it goes into every piece on that candidate or the race. Though I love DH reporter Sue Sarkauskus, and I pass stories on to her all the time, she completely ignored Batavia mayoral candidate Jason Stoop’s great forum answers and focused on a sanctuary city non-issue instead.

4. And reporter Jim Fuller is much worse. He openly admits he pits candidates and politicians against each other in an effort to generate easy stories. Jim’s a real piece of something.

Meanwhile the DH absolutely and completely fails to meaningfully cover the local boards and city councils that are responsible for 60 percent of our taxes.

So, two low-level elected officials haven’t been going to meetings? Quite frankly, I’m all for local politicians not showing up because that means there’s nobody around to raise our taxes. Hmmmmm! I wonder if I could convince the entire Geneva City Council to stop showing up on Mondays.

To the ten people who still subscribe to the DH, it’s time to let it go!

Hey DH editorial board! You wanna know why people don’t run for local office? Go look in the bathroom mirror.

 

It doesn’t have to be a blood sport

Politics that is!

Despite the fact that he begged me not to come, last weekend, I attended Kurt Kojzarek’s county board campaign kickoff fundraiser, and I gotta say, I had a great time, because the entire Kojzarek family shares my somewhat warped sensibilities.

Frightening, isn’t it?

But the coolest thing about that gathering was reconnecting with two politicians with whom I’ve occasionally been at odds.

The first was former U-46 School Board member Cody Holt. To his credit, we immediately shook hands and started laughing our asses off about our pre-election sparring. Cody also mentioned that my frequent axiom; threatening to throw someone off a school board is a lot like threatening to stop beating them with a 2 by 4, was dead on.

Holt 2

He said he has no plans to run for anything anytime soon. Instead, he’s going to focus on working within the Illinois Republican Party to bring about conservative change. And I said that kinda gig suited him far better than a school board.

We exchanged business cards and life was good.

Then, just before I left, Kane County Chairman Chris Lauzen and his lovely wife Sarah appeared and, considering a couple of TheFirstWard columns on the Aurora mayoral race, I started thinking I might have to hide behind Elgin attorney Jeff Meyer (though he’s kinda short and it probably wouldn’t have worked).

But it was all good. The Chairman warmly greeted me, shook my hand and we had a very cordial 10 minute non-political conversation. Of course, now I’m cowering in fear of some sort of impending assassination attempt, and I’m taking applications for that bodyguard position, but for now, let’s focus on the positive.

Ironically (you know I love that word), the only issue that came up was when I attempted to say hello to a former Left, Right and You radio show co-host. We did have a spat where I privately took him to task for his penchant to embarrass me publicly, and then he did his best to embarrass me publicly again, but I thought time heals all wounds.

Apparently not, because when I said ‘hello,”  this gentleman ghosted me better than anyone has ever ghosted me before. Even my wife can’t ignore me that well.

(BTW, the reason I used “Left, Right and You” co-host was so no one would think it’s Larry Jones. But just to be on the safe side, I want to make it clear that Larry is and will remain one of my favorite people of all time!)

So all the politicians were fine, but the former friend wasn’t! To quote the great inspector Clouseau, “It is all a part of life’s rich pageant.”

Quick Hits – Judge John Dalton has to go

I know! When you get down to the judge section, you kind of look at it, shrug your shoulders and simply submit the ballot. Before I became a journalist, I did the same thing. Nobody has the time to truly determine who is, or who would be a good judge.

But the truth is, much like any State’s Attorney’s Office, the men and few women in black have a huge impact on the often desperate people who come before them. And a judge has supreme power in their courtroom. He or she can do whatever they want – including slapping your sorry ass in jail for the least perceived slight.

Sure! You can go to another judge, pay thousands of dollars to have that decision overturned and even then, your only recourse to go to the Judicial Inquiry Board. To make matters worse, you can’t sue a judge for abuse of power or for a bad decision and I can’t remember the last time the JIB dismissed a judge. We all know what absolute power does to some people, too.

The only other possibility – and it’s a longshot – is to convince enough voters that a sitting judge should not be retained. We’ll talk about that before we’re done.

Dalton

John Dalton

But before we get into the kind of malfeasance Judge John Dalton regularly wreaks in the Kane County Courts on a daily basis, please let me to issue the kind of caveats that’ll set the groundwork for my case.

1. I don’t give a rat’s ass that Judge Dalton is gay – but he certainly likes to trumpet the fact and use it as a weapon to excuse his horrific behavior. In fact, when attorney Dalton thought the Elgin Democrats were giving him short shrift over his sexual orientation, he turned to me, we talked at length, and I wrote a Courier-News column in support of his judicial efforts.

And whenever you back someone who disappoints you, there is a moral obligation to restore balance to the force. That’s what I’m doing here.

2. Yes! This is a case of fighting my own battle which I don’t like to do in print. However, having had to sit Dalton’s courtroom five or six times, sometimes for hours, I’m not nearly the only target of his incessant bullying and bad decisions. So while some of the incidents I’ll report involve me, most of them don’t!

Not only that but, I’ve generally been successful in front of the Judge, including two pro se motions. Though his rulings can be beyond bizarre, it’s what you have to endure throughout the process that shouldn’t be endured by any plaintiff, defendant, or attorney.

3. The reason I’ve appeared in front of Dalton so much lately is due to the fallout from my pickup truck being firebombed in my driveway in April of 2016. Though things have gotten much better, the Geneva Police have a well-known habit of not helping folks who disappoint them, so this columnist had to deal with most of it on my own. No to mention that most Geneva parents refuse to parent.

4. This will not help my cause. Judge Dalton is so intent on exacting his pounds of flesh that, should I ever appear in front of him again, I’m convinced he will not recuse himself. Bullies have to be bullies, after all. He will continue to lash out at anyone he believes has even mildly offended him, as he did when I took on his political sponsor, former Elgin State Senator Michael Noland.

Dalton is also bound and determined to repay society for every slight he believes he’s suffered as a result of being a gay man. I understand it isn’t easy being any kind of minority, but it certainly didn’t stop him from becoming a judge.

Even if Dalton does recuse himself, “replacement” judges take a very dim view of anyone who believes their brethren in black can’t be fair under any circumstance. But as I’ve always said, the truth is far more important than Jeff Ward.

So here’s why Judge Dalton has to go:

1. He regularly ignores the law and imposes his own brand of “justice.”

I sat in courtroom 101 with my mouth agape as Judge Dalton failed to enforce his own order. The plaintiff’s attorney was beyond baffled. A defendant had frequently failed on the child support front and, with jail as the appropriate last resort, the Judge said, “We don’t have debtor’s prison in this country.”

The plaintiff’s attorney tried to argue that Dalton had to enforce his own rulings or they’d be meaningless to no avail. And after talking to a number of attorneys, I discovered that wasn’t nearly the only case in which the judge reversed himself.

Then there was the time my son was assaulted in a Geneva High School hallway to the point where the police arrested the perp without any intervention on my part. But when it came time for the Judge to enforce the court’s existing no-contact order, in an utterly bizarre abrogation of the law, Dalton called it “double jeopardy” and let the kid off with a warning.

His theory was the perp had already been fined by the criminal court, so no action civil court action was necessary. I correctly argued that The People have a vested interest in providing criminal consequences, while the court has a vested interested in seeing that their orders aren’t violated. But Dalton simply decided to write his own law.

In the only ruling that went against me, Dalton claimed that taking pictures of vandals’ license plates, with the Geneva Police fully informed of my effort, was “vigilantism.” My attorney was beyond stunned.

But the worst example is what the Judge did to an overly emotional black defendant. His white girlfriend was seeking an order of protection and I’ve never seen anyone so blatantly lie in court. Her description of being hit in the head with a chair was so cartoonish that not even Gloria Allred would’ve bought it.

The woman admitted to having a serious drug and alcohol problem, too.

But when the defendant rebutted the argument but saying the incident happened seven years ago and he actually swept a chair out from under her after she’d given him an STD, Dalton granted the order.

An attorney I know turned to me in the front row and said, “There you go! Start filing motions about stuff that happened seven years ago. Judge Dalton clearly doesn’t care about timing.

Oh! And after he told that defendant that his own testimony sank him – a Dalton favorite – the Judge laughed under his breath as the defendant fled his courtroom. Though I don’t have enough evidence to come to a final conclusion, it certainly seems like Judge Dalton has a problem with other minorities.

 

In part two, we’ll discuss how the judge ratchets up the legal bills for folks he doesn’t like and he frequently stops attorneys from putting on a defense so he can have afternoons off. But the worst of it is how he berates attorneys, plaintiffs and defendants – sometimes for 10 minutes at a time, because he can. And then he smiles or laughs about it.

It’s time for someone to call him out on his blatant BS. We’ll also cover the three ways Judge Dalton can be removed the bench. Stay tuned!

Quick Hits Supplemental – Some of y’all really suck!

I kinda get it. The most meaningful thing you’ve done in all your thirty-three years is that Facebook profile photo with the backward baseball cap and funny hand gestures while you pose with your ill-mannered progeny you absolutely refuse to parent.

So your life strategy is to summarily dismiss anyone who’s actually accomplished anything, which is pretty much everyone else.

Women Gangstas

And let me tell ya, nothing says “take me seriously” like pre-middle-aged Caucasians trying to act gangster while holding onto a drooling kid. And when a stay-at-home white mom does it, it’s truly tragic.

Since we’re on the subject, bragging about procreating is like bragging about breathing – most of us can do it. The truth is, those Facebook profile pictures and insipid stick figures on the back of your green 2010 Dodge Caravan are truly terrifying, because every time one of you overly entitled and not very bright neighbors pops out another intolerable rug rat, the movie ‘Idiocracy’ comes that much closer to reality.

But I digress!

Look! I don’t care if you read my stuff; I don’t care if you disagree with something I say; I don’t care if you think I suck; I don’t care if I’ve offended your delicate sensibilities; I can’t stand your least common denominator children and, quite frankly, I don’t care about you.

But I do care about good journalism. Since you certainly won’t find it in the Daily Herald, the Tribune newspapers or, God forbid, The Chronicle, I actually make an effort to uncover and report stories that matter – and I don’t get a dime for doing it.

Some of us actually believe in an ideal, not just how much weight we can gain in a day.

It’s not that I’m overestimating my place in the universe – I’m not. I’m generally surly, somewhat opinionated, a real pain in the ass, relentless, unforgiving, unreasonable, ornery, utterly impatient, unfriendly, occasionally egotistical and I’ll let you know exactly what I think about you, and it’s rarely something good.

It’s all part of my vast charm – just ask my wife and the Geneva Police, who insist on regularly arresting me on bogus charges. The bottom line is, if you don’t like my stuff – don’t read it!

But like that twice-daily-accurate broken clock, there are two things I can do. I can investigate a story and I can write about it. So, going forward, if any of you mediocre-at-best-only-taking-up-space-on-this-planet people, who sit at home in the same underwear you’ve worn for three days playing Candy Crush on your cell phone for hours at a time while you brainwash your un-special miscreants with endless episodes of Barney, have the nerve to question my journalistic credentials, you’re getting blocked.

Despite the fact that it will greatly limit those hallowed hits, I’m not aiming for a ton of readers, I’m aiming for smart readers. So, my newest mission in life is for my Facebook blocked list to be longer than my friends list. And at the rate you all are annoying the shit out of me, it won’t take very long.

To be more specific, if you say anything marginally close to any of the following:

  • “’Jump’ isn’t a verb, but ‘Jumping’ is. You should know that as a writer.”
  • “I think I’ve already read this somewhere else,” without citing the source.
  • “If the hospital was on lockdown, how could you talk to the people inside?” It’s called a cell phone you bleep!
  • “Clearly you didn’t do your due diligence, because you’re wrong,” with no proof.
  • “Have you done x,y and z?” While you sit on your ample ass doing absolutely nothing.
  • “Why didn’t you present the other side of the story?” Because I’m a fucking opinion columnist. Why don’t you fucking write a rebuttal?
  • “My cousin writes better than you do – he should be the columnist.”
  • “You’re not telling the truth,” without citing relevant sources.
  • Or, if you choose to engage me in a verbal repartee you couldn’t win on your best day,

you get blocked. And it truly will be your loss. (And all of those above things actually happened!)

Oh! And to anyone with a pretentious first name like Becca, Alistair, Rufus, Harper, Finn, Ivy, Leighton, Madison, Auden, Nico, Salinger, Farrah, Inez, Pandora, Wren, Hamish or any name with an “i” where a “y” should be, you’re getting’ blocked on pure principle.

On the other hand, if you argue cogently with facts and evidence to back it up; if you bring something new to the equation; if you convince me that my ticks-dropping-from-trees theory is a myth; if you say “we can agree to disagree;” if you politely encourage me to look into some other possibility, and most of all, if you make me laugh, life is good!

For example, if, like Elgin City Councilman Corey Dixon, you reach out privately with, “I’ve heard you kinda suck, but I wanted to see for myself,” and I can’t respond because I’m laughing so hard, we’re friends for life.

If, like Kane County Board member Kurt Kojzarek’s father, upon being introduced, you say, “Yeah I recognized you from across the room, but I’ve read enough of your bullshit on Facebook that I didn’t feel the need to come over,” I’ll mow your lawn for an entire summer.

But as for the rest of you, like Bill Burr said, “Eight-five percent of you need to walk into the ocean and not come back.”

So please make an effort to actually think. Please consider there’s a reality outside of your own. Please take the time to understand we’re all a part of something greater than ourselves. Perhaps you might even want to accomplish something that might just make me giddy.

Because if you don’t, you’re fucking blocked!

The real Delnor hostage story

Trust me, there are a number of columns I really didn’t want to write over the last 11 years and this is gonna one of them. It seems so pointless to cover a tragedy when you can’t change a thing about it. But the truth matters whether we want to acknowledge it or not.

I also want to point out that this piece is the result of a slew of sources who also believe the truth is important. And they matter, too.

What I won’t do is name names (beyond the perp). And though I’m certainly not above it, there won’t be any judgment passing here, either. I will simply present the facts and you can do with them what you will.

Please also allow me to stipulate that serving in any law enforcement capacity is beyond difficult. It’s something this writer couldn’t do on his best day and it’s certainly not for the faint of heart. I watched being a cop take the kind of toll on my brother that still frightens me.

I’m also going to avoid all the general Delnor hostage details because the mainstream press has repeatedly reported them.

Delnor Hostage

So let’s continue

1. Kane County convict transport rules

With all the misinformation out there, it’s important to note that the Kane County Sheriff’s policy has always been one guard per hospitalized inmate. It’s the transport rules that have varied, but the number of officers involved in transporting the inmate isn’t an issue here

2. The guard

This is what really set off this cascading series of events.

The unanimous consensus among my sources was the corrections officer directed to guard the Delnor prisoner May 13 was a very poor choice. His supervisors knew he’d suffered a series of crises of confidence, he almost resigned at one point and his heart was no longer in the job.

While that’s certainly something we’ve all experienced, law enforcement officers aren’t afforded that luxury.

These same sources also said that whoever assigned this officer to the Delnor detail should be fired.

As far as previously firing the actual guard, it’s not that easy. Sheriff’s deputies, court security and corrections officers are all covered by unions and the hiring and firing rules are very specific.

3. The inmate

Tywon Salters was a six-foot-one-inch, 21 year old male who had a reputation for being “crazy.” To wit, he was sent to Delnor after he ate the better part of a plastic prison sandal. Some people postulated this was part of an escape plan, but the more I’ve learned about Salters, the more I’m convinced he had a serious mental illness.

The bottom line is, despite the current one hospital guard policy, Salters is the kind of guy who probably should’ve drawn two of them.

4. How did Salters get the guard’s gun?

The press reported that Salter’s leg iron had been inexplicably removed, or he’d been allowed to go to the bathroom and the officer failed to reattach it, which led to a struggle for the gun. But that’s not the case.

During his daily shower, Salters burst out of the bathroom naked screaming, “I’ve got a shank. Give me your gun or I’ll f*****g kill you. The officer handed over his weapon and fled the room.

There was no struggle.

5. The nurses

This is where the original news stories were wrong – including my real-time Facebook version of event. A good source correctly informed me that one of the nurses had been raped, tortured and shot that day, but I went with the prevailing theory that only Salters had been harmed.

Perhaps it was a case of not wanting to believe that anyone would have to endure three-and-a-half hours of sexual abuse and torture. I won’t make that mistake again.

When it became clear there would be no getaway car, Salters hung up on the officers, screamed, “Someone’s going to have to pay for this and it’s going to be you,” and he started beating the nurse in earnest. That’s when the SWAT team put an end to her ordeal.

She did suffer a straight through wound to her arm as a result.

Make no mistake, all of these women are heroes. But the nurse who convinced Salters to let her use a phone – which she used to warn the rest of the hospital – was beyond heroic. And to lead this deranged man to a downstairs decontamination room where she knew he couldn’t do much damage, knowing she would probably be killed, is beyond incredible.

I wish civilians could get the Medal of Honor.

Of course, no county official can comment on pending litigation, but a slew of them privately said those nurses deserve every penny they will eventually get.

6. Who shot whom?

It was also reported that Salters got one shot off before he died. That’s true, but he missed. That officer who was hit was actually shot in the back by a member of his own SWAT team.

Though Kevlar vests offer front and back protection, our wise officer put on two that day – one facing forward and the other reversed. Though he had to deal with a hellacious bruise, his foresight prevented a major wound or perhaps even saved his life.

 

Please understand, I have no issue with the brave souls who risked their lives to save that nurse. For the record, if anyone ever has a gun to my head, as long as they do their damndest miss vital organs, I’m OK with a bullet wound. And an errant shot in the middle of a dire situation is something that certainly must be forgiven.

My singular goal here is to report facts that have generally been misreported. And I made damn sure these are the facts.

As far as any judgements go, I’ll keep them to myself.

Quick Hits – June 23, 2017

Not even Republicans believe him anymore

One of my favorite Left, Right and You guests was former Obama Cabinet member Bill Daley. Not only does Bill have a reputation for telling the truth, but he has an amazing political prognostication track record.

So when bill recently said, “Bruce Rauner cannot win re-election if he does not get a budget right this year. I don’t care who’s running against him,” I thought perhaps Governor Rauner might take note.

Then I made the kind of leap of faith that made me believe he had, and I started foolishly thinking that Bruce’s latest budget offer was sincere.

But it’s not.

It’s just more window dressing to try and make the Democrats look worse than he already does. The truth is, if Speaker Madigan agreed to every last term in that proposal, the Governor would say it wasn’t enough and he’d roll out a completely new budget deal.

How do I know this? Because my Illinois Senate Republican sources told me so. They may toe the party line publicly, but privately, they’ve completely lost faith in Governor Rauner’s capacity to negotiate anything.

There will be no budget, schools will close and Bill Daley will be proven to be correct!

 

Can’t you take the lead for once, Jim?

The current Springfield special session may be descending into abject meaninglessness, but the pointless finger pointing is clearly on the rise. And my State Senator, Jim Oberweis, seems more than happy to join the it’s-not-us-it’s them fray, because doing the same thing over and over again will eventually produce a different result, right?

But here’s the thing. While the Democrats are politically beholden to the Speaker and the Republicans are terrified of Rauner primarying them, Jim Oberweis is in the unique position of at least attempting to bring an end this absurd budget proxy war.

Oberweis

He’s not running again so Rauner can’t threaten him with an opponent. Even if he changes his mind, Jim has the kind of cash that would beat back any challenger. I know Jim doesn’t like what Springfield has become and he’d much prefer to get something done.

And as a former businessman and successful asset manager, Jim knows that Governor Rauner is wrong and holding the budget hostage to unreasonable demands is bad for the State.

So Jim! You’ve never had a problem telling the truth before. How about calling a spade a spade, standing up for what’s right and doing whatever it takes to get a budget deal  done – even if it means insisting on a meeting with Michael Madigan.

I understand the impulse to stick with the Party, but at this point, what’s the point? Doing the right thing is always its own reward.

Please remember this isn’t a case of the pot and kettle. I’ve stuck my neck out hundreds of times and it can come around to bite you in the butt. But Illinois needs bold men and women right now, not more finger pointing.

 

David Orr retires?

After 40 long years in Chicago politics, famed Cook County Clerk, David Orr, 72, announced he will not seek an eighth term. Having grown up in south Evanston, I can’t remember a time when David Orr wasn’t part of the political landscape.

I can clearly remember listening to David’s aldermanic anti-Machine exploits on radio news shows in the early 80s. A few years later, I moved into Rogers Park, the heart of Orr’s 49th Ward and my apartment and David’s Ashland office were on the same block.

We had a total of just three conversations, but David always welcomed constituents, you never had to kiss a pinky ring and you could tell he truly enjoyed life. He was a happy guy. We’d discuss the abandoned cars that made parking on Farwell difficult, all the absentee landlords and Chicago politics in general.

Of course, David fully supported Harold Washington’s 1983 mayoral run, and it was when Washington squeaked by Republican Bernie Epton that I learned the true nature of politics.

Pundits said it was the “49th Ward Lake Front Liberals” who put Washington over the top, and soon after he took office, the new mayor made sure that all of those abandoned cars were towed and our streets were paved.

So in a way, I cut my political teeth on Alderman David Orr. With his city council reputation intact, Orr ran for County Clerk in 1990 and he’s served the County in that regard ever since.

And David Orr was so clean, he even rented an apartment near the Clerk’s office so he could “clock out” and discuss impending campaign strategy with his team without the slightest appearance of impropriety.

But my favorite David Orr story involved the late great Pulitzer Prize winning columnist, Mike Royko.

David’s mother Lucille wrote Royko in 1988 decrying his propensity to call all Chicago aldermen “crooks.” “Isn’t it possible that there might be one or two who aren’t,” she implored.

In his inimitable style, Royko responded, “You`re right. There are three or four aldermen who are suspected of being honest and your son is one of them. But as much as I respect your maternal protectiveness, I have to raise this question: If you were a good mother, why did you permit your little boy to grow up to be a Chicago alderman?”

Orr’s name regularly came up as a possibility for mayor, secretary of state, Congress and even the Senate. And even though he could’ve won any of those races, he stuck with county clerk because he said he wanted to have a life, be there for his family and continue coaching.

When David walks away from the often difficult gig in early 2019, it truly will be the end of an era.

Good luck, sir! You were always one of the good guys.

Quick Hits Supplemental – A humorous piece on women!

Women are strange and wondrous creatures whose sole purpose seems to be to drive a man – any man – completely crazy. Before you hit the “send” button ladies, it doesn’t work in reverse because there’s nothing mysterious about men.

In the words of that great philosopher Jeff Foxworthy, “You want to know what men are thinking? Here’s what we’re thinking, ‘I’d like a beer and I’d like to see something naked.’”

That’s it! It doesn’t take a whole lot of effort to make us happy. But women aren’t happy unless they’re making us unhappy, because the fact it’s so easy to make us happy, makes them unhappy.

I’m not sure if I followed all of that, but I know it’s true.

So, women convince themselves that men actually have much deeper thoughts and, since we won’t tap into them, they’ll do it for us. And with absolutely no evidence to support this hypothesis, they naturally extrapolate it out to the illogical conclusion that they know what’s best for us.

Here’s what I’m talking about.

If my lovely wife says she’s going to the grocery store, I might ask her to pick up some olive loaf, but she’ll come home with sliced turkey breast instead. And her response to my inevitable quizzical look is, “Well, I thought you’d like this better.”

But when I respond, “If I liked turkey breast better, I would’ve asked you for turkey breast. But I didn’t ask for turkey breast, I asked for olive loaf,” she gets mad at me for failing to understand that I should’ve asked for turkey breast in the first place.

It’s the same thing with clothes! She loves buying stuff for me, but being abundantly clear about what I will and won’t wear makes no difference. That conversation always goes something like this:

“I bought you some shorts! Please try them on,” as she hands them to me.

“Thank you dear,” as I grab them and suddenly stop. “You know I don’t like overly long shorts with lots of pockets?”

“Yes, I know, but I thought you’d like these.”

“But they’re below the knee and they have a lot of pockets.”

“That’s the style now.”

“But I don’t wear that style.”

“Fine! I’ll take them back!”

So now, despite the fact that I didn’t ask her to buy me shorts, and I’ve been very clear about the kind of shorts I like, I’m in trouble for not liking the shorts I never liked to begin with.

Now my wife is doing it to our two sons!

As a runner, I don’t eat much crap. It basically comes down to potato chips to stave off those annoying post-run foot cramps, and chocolate chip cookies, because no one’s perfect. And the best mass produced chocolate chip cookies right now are Meijer’s Chunky Chipsters.

Chipsters

In what can only be described as a happy coincidence, Chipsters also happen to be the least expensive. But every time we find ourselves in the cookie aisle, my wife starts poring over all of the possibilities. That conversation always goes something like this:

“Dearest, why are you going through all of the chocolate chip cookies? You know what we like.”

“I know you like those, but I thought the boys would like something different.”

“Why would you think the boys would like something different? They like Chipsters. If you buy anything else, they’ll eat all the Chipsters and leave the rest for me.”

“Well, I’m getting them something different.”

It’s at this point I realize that, saying anything other than “Yes dear” means celibacy is gonna be the only other option.

So today, I dutifully headed over to the cupboard only to find four packages of Keebler chocolate chip cookies with double fudge unicorn rainbows and all sorts of stuff no one really needs. That conversation went something like this:

“Dearest, the boys ate all the Chipsters and all that’s left is chocolate chip cookies I don’t really like.”

“Well…I thought they’d eat the other ones.”

“Why would you think they’d eat the other ones. I told you they like Chipsters?

“Fine! We’ll get Chipsters from now on,” while she stares at me as if she’s just been mortally wounded.

So ladies, stop it!

If we say we want olive loaf, we want olive loaf. I know what kind of shorts I like and give me Chunky Chipsters or give me death. I understand the fact that men are entirely uncomplicated bothers you, but you have to understand that isn’t our problem – until and unless you insist upon making it our problem.

I think I’ll have a beer!

Quick Hits – June 21, 2017

It was kinda cool that some of you noticed there was no Monday Quick Hits. My 82 year-old father-in-law came in for a week-long visit and I wanted to be a really good host!

Ted Nugent is a bleep!

And by “bleep” I mean any word you care to apply. So suddenly our Motor City Mental Munchkin strikes a conciliatory tone?

Nugent

“At the tender age of 69, my wife has convinced me that I just can’t use those harsh terms. I cannot, and I will not. And I encourage even my friends/enemies on the left in the Democrat and liberal world that we have got to be civil to each other, that the whole world is watching America, where you have the God-given right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, and we have got to be more respectful to the other side.”

This, of course comes from the man who:

  • Married an underage girl
  • Dodged the draft
  • Called President Obama a “sub-human mongrel,” which is code for the N-word
  • Told President Obama to “suck his machine gun”

While Kathy Griffin gets (rightfully) excoriated for the whole severed head thing, Ted gets an invitation to the White House.

But as you know, I’m fluent in almost all political languages. So, just in case you don’t understand Nugent-ese, please allow me to translate Ted’s quote:

“It was fun being a complete douchebag when there were no real consequences for being one, but then the left starting shooting back. So, being the consummate coward I’ve always been, I’m going to hide behind my wife’s skirt in the hope that she takes the bullet for me. I have been, and always will be, a piece of excrement.”

To be clear, I don’t agree with anyone shooting at anyone for almost any reason. But I couldn’t let his BS pass.

 

All my Judicial Center children

Before we get started in earnest, I want to thank all my avid KCSAO readers who not only regularly help put these posts over the 5,000 hit mark, but send me encouraging notes to keep these stories coming. Somebody’s gotta tell the truth, right?

In that vein:

1. No federal prosecutor position. Sadly, it looks as if Kane County State’s Attorney Joe McMahon is stuck with little old us. Though I have to give him credit, because word is, the gig went to someone who showed a little more enthusiasm for a Trump presidency. Apparently, Joe wouldn’t drink the loyalty oath Kool-aid.

Good for him!

But all’s well that ends well, right? If there were ever two elected officials who truly deserve each other, it’s Kane County Chairman Chris Lauzen and Joe McMahon. The Fat Lady ain’t nearly begun to sing that saga out!

KCSAO

2. But now Joe’s actually gotta do some work. Because the legal fallout from the utterly unnecessary Delnor hostage situation is but a mere blip on the incoming radar. And despite what will be a clear propensity to settle those suits (and those nurses deserve every penny), this morass is going to get much bigger and take years to untangle. It’s so big that it can’t be delegated to underlings without a real possibility of massive political damage, and Mr. McMahon still harbors higher aspirations.

3. Criminal Division boss Joe Cullen takes over the Laquan McDonald prosecution? I couldn’t believe it when I heard it, but it turns out, it’s true. What could possibly go wrong with the utterly tone-deaf Cullen handling the kind of  case that could set the already smoldering City of Chicago completely ablaze.

There are times when McMahon’s decisions are beyond baffling.

On the bright side, he could’ve handed it off to Civil Division head Joe Lulves! Though it would’ve been fascinating to see all those privileged emails get leaked to the public (read some previous posts!).

4. I’m the story? That kind of thing generally aggravates the shit out of me, but I’m OK with it this time. Since no victim of a Class-X felony should ever have to deal with the likes of KCSAO prosecutor Alex Bederka, yours truly will shortly sit down with State Rep Keith Wheeler to craft a real Illinois Victim’s Rights bill.

Keith may be a bit conservative at times, but I’ve always liked him, he’s a capable legislator and he’s on-board. If any duo can get this kind of bi-partisan effort done, it’s the conservative and the liberal!

If you recall, retiring State Rep Elaine Nekritz tried to pass a Victim’s Rights bill some years ago and I came out against it in two separate columns. The only explanation is, sometimes I can be a real fucking idiot – just ask my wife.

I still say my logic was sound! Most prosecutors are overworked and underpaid, and to bog that process down with people who think they’re the only crime victim on the planet would be problematic.

But this time it was Jeff Ward – a man with a voice in the victim seat. And, at the time, I was successfully advising Joe McMahon on how to handle Chris Lauzen – in writing! If that guy gets treated like a pain-in-the-ass afterthought on a charge that’s a millimeter short of murder, I can only imagine what the rest of you peasants have to go through.

It got so bad that I will no longer meet with, speak to or email Mr. Bederka on this still pending case. Personally, I’d rather have another pickup truck firebombed in my driveway and have to go through the system as a defendant, than deal with him. And Joe McMahon’s version of “help” was to make the situation exponentially worse on all levels.

So Illinois! We’re gonna get a Victim’s Rights law! Count on it!

5. But you can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Yes! I know I can get kinda bitchy at times (and we’re currently out of tequila, too), so it’s important to note there are some great people at Route 38 and Peck Road. At the risk of ending their careers, I’m gonna say that Lark Cowart and Judy Bland are two of them.

Judy is the KCSAO Victim’s Rights Advocate and she does an amazing job with a very small staff and an even smaller budget. She has the kind of patience that it takes to put up with her bosses and people like me.

Lark heads the Juvenile Division and she’s one of the finest people I’ve ever met. She is beyond intelligent, incredibly insightful, a terrifyingly competent attorney and she somehow stays sane while dealing with the kind of child abuse cases that would send most of us into a homicidal frenzy.

See! I can be nice!

6. A judge that’s gotta go! Not that I want to leave you all hanging, but even I don’t want to hear myself talk this much. So, next week! I will devote an entire Quick Hits, or perhaps even two, to a judge who must be removed from the 16th Circuit. Not only will I  cite specific examples of his malfeasance, but I’ll outline my plan to send him home. The donations are already rolling in!

 

As the Kane County Sheriff’s Office turns

It took multiple sources to convince me, but I do believe that Kane County Sheriff Don Kramer was set to announce his reelection bid – the week after the Delnor hostage situation unfolded.

As you might imagine, he’s having second thoughts.

kramer2

Kane County Sheriff Don Kramer

The current theory is, Kramer has, or soon will, approach GOP Sheriff primary contender and Bomb Squad leader, Kevin Tindall, to offer to bow out of the race in return for certain considerations. Not the least of which would be to look after Don’s son, who will soon become a sworn deputy.

I’ve never met Kevin, but people tell me he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t make those kinds of deals. So here’s my prediction.

Kramer, who regularly moves between playing the victim and the bully, will not take kindly to his subordinate’s refusal to get on board. Then the rage the Sheriff is so well known for will build to the point where he runs just to teach Tindall a “lesson.”

I promise I’ll keep you posted.