Quick Hits – May 26, 2017

We’re doomed!

There is no doubt in my mind that Governor Rauner will not be reelected until I see Democratic frontrunners Chris Kennedy and J. B. Pritzker do, well, almost anything. I thought statewide candidates had the smarts and cash to hire the kind of talent that always mean their best foot goes forward.

Before we continue, I refer to our two candidates “frontrunners” because State Senator Daniel Biss, Madison County Regional Superintendent of Schools Bob Daiber and Chicago Alderman Ameya Penwar have about as much chance of making it through the primary as I have of becoming Pope.

At least I was raised Catholic, but these folks aren’t even in the same financial universe.

Before you get your hackles up, please remember that I don’t make the rules, I only report them.

So while I fervently believe he’s well-intentioned, aside from sitting on $3.4 billion, the best thing Mr. Pritzker has going for him is he looks like the father from ‘The Wonder Years.’ Having seen him speak, “charismatic” is not the word that comes to mind.

He’s short, heavy, has no neck, his speaking voice is mediocre, the haircut doesn’t work and he shouldn’t be allowed to dress himself. Pritzker reminds me of a former NFL head coach who’s been fired so many times that he’s moved on the motivational speaking circuit.


J. B. Pritzker and his really bad signs!

Please! This has nothing to do with being catty! Nobody’s paying me to grace the cover of GQ, either. But I’m not running for governor. And the truth is, there are all sorts of competent political consultants who could mitigate each and every one of these damaging factors, but apparently J. B. thinks he’s got it down pat.

To make matters worse, go to his Facebook page and click on the announcement video. You’ll shortly be met by an interesting reverb echo effect as the same pinned-to-the-top-of-his-timeline video starts playing seconds after the featured one does. Special effects work in Star Wars, not political campaigns.

Then there are his signs. Yikes! You always want your name to be relegated to be the smallest portion of the placard possible.

J.B.! Failing to get the basics right doesn’t exactly build confidence. Not to worry sir! Chris Kennedy ain’t exactly settin’ the bar too high. He may well be the first candidate to fritter away that daunting last name advantage in very short order.

Chris! For God’s sake, buy some Grecian Formula 16 and darken things up a bit. Nothing crazy! Most of us can’t pull off the Phil Donahue look. And please avoid close-ups or get some sun. You might be the only person on the planet who’s whiter than me, which means you only get washed out in those bright window video backgrounds.

If that’s a skin condition, either stop drinking or get it taken care of!


Lastly, please hire a voice coach to will train you to talk from the back of your throat and diaphragm. Your thin and wavering oratory makes you sound much older than you really are. (Great job on the signs, though! They will stand out in an Illinois winter.)

C’mon guys! You’re making me nervous because the state won’t survive another four years of Bruce Rauner. Get the basics right!


We’re doomed part 2

Given 14th District Congressman Randy Hultgren’s particular brand of moral and political hypocrisy, and his sometime campaign manager is Joe “I’ll do anything for a dollar” Calomino, there is nothing I’d like more than to send the Congressman home to his angry wife.

With the inevitable 2018 mid-term election backlash likely to be an anti-Trump steamroller, one good candidate could pull it off. But when you look at the list of Democratic contenders, it’s makes the governor’s race look good!

Montgomery Mayor Matt Brolley is really a Republican who should try to beat Hultgren in the primary. But he doesn’t even have the money for that or the general election.

Jim Walz is a hard worker and I really like him. But he doesn’t have the funds either and his ultra-liberal message will never fly in the generally Republican 14th.

But the worst of the bunch is Batavia school teacher Victor Swanson – though he certainly is the most entertaining! How do I know this? Please allow me to explain.


Victor Swanson

In an effort to gauge his level of political acumen, I watched his Facebook messaging for a bit and sent him a private message offering something along these lines:

“I’m Jeff Ward and I’ve done x, y and z. I’m glad to see you’re running against Randy, but since I hate seeing anyone waste their time, your messaging is horrific. I’ve beaten Randy’s potential campaign manager and I know he will use your constant attacks to rile his base. With previous Dem primary winner Jim Walz entering the race, you need to start telling voters about you and what you’d do differently.”

I’m not sayin’ it was the most scintillating advice, but it was reasonably accurate.

Mr. Swanson’s simply offered a terse “Thank you” and then he blocked me. And I’m such a nice guy too!

If you can’t handle private constructive criticism from someone with a long and reasonable Kane County track record, that doesn’t bode well for your political future. Mr. Swanson will come in dead last.

4 thoughts on “Quick Hits – May 26, 2017

  1. Pritzkger and Kennedy; two privileged brats living on inherited trust funds who want to be elected to tell us “little people” how to live. Neither had to scratch for a living, neither had to have a real job to make ends meet. Both typical of the “Poor, average Democrats” that semi-educated voters foolishly elect to office, like John Kerry and Nancy Pelosi.

    Hate Rauner if you want, but he came up from nothing to make his OWN wealth.

  2. Regarding Jim Walz: Just what we need…again: his campaign signs plastered all over western Kane County, and left up for FOUR months AFTER the election was over (he LOST.)

    If this sloppiness is an example of how he would operate if elected, then “buyer beware.”

  3. check your facts I don’t think Calamino is involved in Hultgren’s campaign and hasn’t been for 4+ years

    • John,

      You don’t know how much it pains me to admit this, but in my bronchial steroid induced stupor (the prednisone has worn off for now), I did confuse two candidates in that conversation with Joe “Anything for a Dollar” Calomino. We were discussing his failed attacks on me as a columnist which came back when he was helping Randy in 2010-ish. The column will be adjusted appropriately. In my defense, I do use my real name on absolutely everything.

      This timing error notwithstanding, the premise of this column remains unscathed. These two Democratic gubernatorial candidates better start paying attention to the basics and Victor Swanson is a terrible candidate.


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