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May 13, 2017 / jeffnward

You can’t touch this!

You know what I’m talking about people! We all have that friend who has to top every story we tell.

If you had a great vacation, they met Nelson Mandela on their 1978 South African tour. If you found a sawbuck on the street, they’ll regale you with the tale of the time they found a bag of C-notes. If you got a great deal on that Marchesa Notte evening gown, they could’ve gotten it for you wholesale.

These “you can’t touch this” folks exhibit a relentless and inexorable drive to assuage their vast insecurities by making you feel small.

So, despite her incredible accomplishments – not the least of which is earning this writer’s undying respect and admiration – it is with great sadness that I must report that Aurora Police Chief Kristen Ziman is one of those you-can’t-top-me kind of people.

And y’all know I always tell the truth!

It all started with me making the Channel 7 news as I was getting my picture taken with new Aurora Mayor Richard Irvin at his Paramount Theatre inauguration. It was a fun thing. Being a sex symbol may be difficult, but it does have its moments!

But Kristen just had to top it!

And sure enough! Just two days later, my favorite police chief’s photograph graced the WGN evening news with the caption “Kristen Kiefer.”

Not Kristen!

Of course, Kristen Kiefer is the Fox Lake resident who set off a massive manhunt by falsely claiming to have encountered the Gliniewicz “killers” early on in that investigation. WGN was covering Ms. Kiefer’s two-year probation and $20,000 restitution sentence.

One could ask the question, “How the bleep could WGN possibly confuse a Fox Lake civilian with the police chief of the second largest city in Illinois?”

Perhaps the woman wearing a police uniform shoulda tipped someone off. Did no producer consider the possibility that a police officer probably wouldn’t make a false report just to get national attention? Perhaps it’s something as simple as WGN thinks all white women named Kristen look alike.

But I’m convinced there’s something far more nefarious to this! In an effort to steal my Richard Irvin coverage thunder, Ms. Ziman conspired with WGN to get her picture on the nightly news by any means possible. C’mon! No news editor could possibly be this incompetent.

It’s the only logical explanation.

So yes, Kristen Ziman! Apparently the fact that you’re one of just two female police chiefs in Illinois; the fact that your law-enforcement track record is as about good as it gets; the fact that you’ve gained the respect and admiration of your peers in a male dominated profession without sacrificing anything you stand for; the fact that “Calm” is your middle name; the fact that I never hear anyone say a bad thing about you; and the fact that you can out-write me, isn’t nearly enough for you.

You just had to beat my, “Look Ma! I was on the news!” story, so you did just that. All I can say is, I truly hope you get the help you so desperately need soon!

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