Quick Hits – 4/26/17

Why are women so difficult to please?

There I was, doing the laundry buck naked this morning and my wife barely noticed! C’mon! What does it take to get a married woman to throw herself at you? (And it could be any married woman at this point!) Don’t give me that having to go to work excuse – some things in life are more important.

Why was I washing clothes in the nude, you ask? Because my jammies needed to go in that load and I hadn’t quite showered yet.

(This photo is a pretty reasonable approximation of me doing the laundry this morning.)

Man doing laudry

What was my naked laundry thought process, you ask? It was some sage advice from crack Kane County attorney, Diana Law. Diana told me that women watching men do housework has the very same effect as men watching women take their clothes off.

And who am I to ignore a respected attorney’s advice? Unless it’s Jeff Meyer, of course. (I know that’s an inside joke. Deal with it!)

So, extrapolating that logic forward, I convinced myself that the irresistible combination of doing laundry and a little nudity would automatically solicit the desired result.  But I was wrong! Since I know the advice was good, I might have to try something else.

Perhaps I’ll cook dinner in the buff. Maybe something deep fried. What could possibly go wrong with that?

We husbands try so hard!

 

I don’t really need an obsequious watch!

Don’t get me wrong! I love my new Gear S3 watch. Who wouldn’t want to be able to answer calls in the can!

It also tracks my water intake, tells me the weather, displays texts and emails, tracks my heart rate, tells me where my sons are, keeps my contacts handy, provides calendar alerts, and automatically captures all manner of exercise.

Gear S3Though, along the lines of comedienne Kathleen Madigan’s drinking two miles of wine, it was rather amusing when the watch mistook the riding mower for a bike ride.

But despite that plethora of possibilities, the S3 is really starting to annoy the crap out of me. And the source of that ire is its insistence upon encouraging me during runs and dog walks. It will suddenly buzz and display things like “Great run!,” “Keep it up!” and “Good job!”

It’s just another tragic example of how the self-esteem movement has turned us all into Prozac swilling fragile flowers who can’t take any criticism whatsoever.

I don’t need encouragement on my workouts! What I need is someone to pushing me to do a little better. So I’d pay good money for a watch or Fitbit that took a page from the drill instructor’s handbook by issuing statements like:

  • Are you really that fucking slow? My dead grandma could kick your ass!
  • Considering your walking heart rate, you might want to get out the will.
  • Please don’t take me out in public, I don’t want to be associated with you
  • This isn’t a run, it’s a crime against humanity; and
  • Holy shit! I’m glad I’m not the scale.

Not only would those bold proclamations provide some real “encouragement,” but they might help end the obesity epidemic too.

I hope you’re listening Samsung.

 

What is wrong with Fox Newscasters?

Not to be outdone by Bill O’Reilly, as he was excoriating European liberals for booing Ivanka Trump yesterday, Fox News host Jesse Waters added, “So I don’t really get what’s going on here, but I really liked how she was speaking into the microphone.”

Waters

To make matters so much better, that statement was accompanied by a knowing smirk and quick hand job gesture. And this amazing display of respect for women everywhere didn’t come weeks, months or years after O’Reilly was fired for sexual harassment, but in mere days!

Sorry ladies, Jesse’s already married! I wonder if his twin six year-old daughters were watching the show?

4 thoughts on “Quick Hits – 4/26/17

  1. Uh, Jeff, her not noticing is better than her getting nauseous.

  2. re: Laundry: the advice is good, your execution was flawed.
    You need to take off the jammies first, THEN shower, THEN go do housework.
    After all, what woman wants to engage with a greasy, disheveled bed-head ridden lump
    of meat when they could have a clean, buffed and helpful cohabitant.

    • Marc,

      I’m not saying you’re wrong sir, but I am rather bald so we can dispense with the bedhead argument. As far as the better scent, I still think she’d go to work before throwing herself at me!

      Jeff

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