Give it up white people!

Why do y’all insist upon aggravating me on my runs? Is it too much to ask for four short miles without having to see some sort of stupidity? Isn’t dealing with 263 off-leash dogs in that short span bad enough?

Apparently not, because today I encountered two Genevans doing their best to be gangster on my morning run.

Look! When rappers turned their baseball caps around and wore large clocks around their necks, I thought it was kinda cool. Why, it even made me want to fight the power!

To revolutionize make a change nothin’s strange
People, people we are the same
No we’re not the same
Cause we don’t know the game
What we need is awareness, we can’t get careless

But even though I appreciate the dulcet tones of Chuck D., I never considered trying to be just like him, if for no other reasons than:

  1. I can’t sing.
  2. Other than the Geneva Police, I really haven’t been all that oppressed.
  3. You may have noticed I’m not black.

In fact, if I get any whiter, the glare would cause multi-car collisions while running along Randall Road.


Just say no!

So I’ll just leave the whole rap thing to the experts like Kanye and Drake. The truth is, I’m happy in my Levi’s, large-tall Port t-shirts and running hats with the bill in front. It’s the simple things in life, right?

It’s just that, when I saw my two middle-aged neighbors with baseball caps askew, I wanted to tackle their sorry white butts, hold them down, and staple the hat to their heads in the position God intended.

Of course, the problem with that course of action is, most Genevans don’t take that kind of constructive criticism as it’s intended. Instead, I’ll simply say that wearing a bill-in-back cap does not make white people look gangster, it makes them look stupid.

Not to worry my fine Tri-Cities compatriots! I’m nothing if not magnanimous. Here’s a simple checklist to determine if you’ll ever be gangster:

  1. Do you live in Geneva, Illinois?

If you answered “yes” to that question, then the answer is no!

Short of becoming a serial killer, something I don’t often recommend, you’ll never be Ice T, so stop trying! Turn the bleepin’ baseball cap around before I do if for you!

Black folks! You gotta start coming up with shit Caucasians can’t appropriate. C’mon! When Nelly’s hawking Honey Nut Cheerios with a leather clad, medallion wearing, rapping cartoon bee, you know it’s almost over.

It won’t be easy! We’ve already stolen blues, rock ‘n roll, high fives, fist bumps, rap music, twerking, corn rows, your right to vote, medical breakthroughs, Oprah, Michael Jackson and, of course, you!

Someone should tell Ben Carson what an immigrant really is.

You still have the whole getting stopped by the police on a regular basis thing because white people aren’t quite ready for that. Apparently being a counterfeit gangster only goes so far. Meanwhile, I’ll do my best to end the Caucasians co-opting black culture scourge if I have to do it one bleepin’ Genevan at a time.

I’m gonna have that peaceful run yet!

6 thoughts on “Give it up white people!

  1. With this, they’ll hate me more than you:

  2. They certainly would so I had to edit it!

  3. The stupid backward hat thing does not know race. I work with high school kids. Nothing more hilarious than a kid out in the bright sun, wearing his hat backward, trying to see something and shading his eyes with his hand. At least his neck won’t get sunburned. Or a kid with a concussion and the flourescents in the ceiling make his headache worse. So I tell him wear a hat. Next time I see him he’s wearing his hat — yup, backward. And squinting and complaining about his headache. I turn it around: “oh, wow, my head feels better”. In the words of the eminent white philosopher, Homer Simpson, “Doh!”

  4. Jeff,

    This is why this is a public service statement!

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