White like me?

Before we get started, I want to make it perfectly clear that Elgin, Illinois City Councilwoman Tish Powell encouraged me to write this piece. So if you find it as offensive as I believe you will, please contact her first. In the immortal words of George Carlin, Tish “just happens to be black” and she was not amused by the recent Washington state white woman who tried to pass herself off as black – for 10 long years!

And you really have to give our racial chameleon credit for pulling this off because I couldn’t pass for black for 10 short seconds. With all due respect to Lenny Kravitz, my eminently Jewish facial features would immediately give me away. I’m so bleepin’ white that if I walked around naked in snowstorm, no one would notice. And if my Caucasian butt gets any bonier, they’re going to have to come up with an entirely new race just to describe me.

All that said, I do enjoy soul food, especially black eyed peas and onions, but that isn’t nearly enough to earn that honorary African-American award. With my WASC (white Anglo-Saxon Catholic) digestive tract, you probably wouldn’t want to be within ten miles of me after that meal anyway.

But sadly, not only did these considerations fail to stop Spokane, Washington resident Rachel Dolezal from a race change operation, but she did so well that she rose to the Director of the local NAACP chapter. And you all keep trying to tell me that fiction is far stranger than truth!

Rachel Dolezal

Rachel Dolezal

It wasn’t until Ms. Dolezal’s pasty white parents blew her cover that she finally admitted she was actually a white woman. And I lay the blame for this white-people-wanna-be-black phenomenon squarely at the feet of Vanilla Ice.

That’s right! Vanilla Ice!

Apparently, being the dominant majority, not getting stopped for driving through the wrong neighborhood, never experiencing a clerk’s terrified look when you hand them a credit card, and actually having the “nude” pantyhose color work for you, isn’t nearly enough for some of us.

No! It would seem the lure of rap music is so strong that all white folks want to be black, until they don’t – like when they’re standing before a judge or applying for a loan. If it wasn’t for that black rapper Eminem keeping it real, God knows where that musical genre would…wait a minute…never mind. And can someone please explain what an Iggy Azalea is?

But the best proof is in the most brilliant comedy bit ever conceived, in which Dave Chapelle played a blind black white supremacist named Clayton Bigsby. When Clayton came upon a group of twentysomething white boys in their hood uniforms blasting rap music, he hurled the N-word at them. As you might imagine, their response was, “Did he just call us N-words? Awesome!”

Or could it be that we Caucasians are so bored with all that interminable white privilege we want to be able to use the N-Word without repercussion. Think about it! If Dr. Laura, Paula Deen, Madonna, Mel Gibson, John Mayer, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Charlie Sheen, Elvis Presley, Gwyneth Paltrow, Paris Hilton, Justin Bieber, Quentin Tarantino, Jennifer Lopez, Michael Richards, Axl Rose, Jesse James, Alec Baldwin, and Tim Allen had only followed in Ms. Dolezal’s footsteps, they might have gotten away with it.

C’mon white people! Can’t we give our black brethren something? I mean besides the drug war, mass incarceration, and an inescapable cycle of poverty? Letting them have the N-word is, literally, the least we could do.

As if being black wasn’t tough enough already, now they have to deal with white people stealing their culture at every turn. All I can tell you is that gay white men really need to stop acting like black women. Apparently being one oppressed minority isn’t enough for some people.

So help me, if I see one one more white woman wearing corn rows or have to watch another rapping bee cereal commercial, someone’s going to have to come up with bail money.

Up till now, black folks had pretty much gotten used to overweight middle-aged white men stealing their style. Then they knew they’d have to come up with something new. But how do you defend yourself against white people “becoming” black?

I considered encouraging my black friends to retaliate by acting white, but what self-respecting African-American would want to age badly, give up the capacity to dance in any meaningful way, and regularly get a sunburn. It didn’t work out too well for Michael Jackson either.

And just when you thought this tale could get any more perplexing, African-American USC college professor Camille Gear Rich actually wrote a CNN piece entitled, “Rachel Dolezal has a right to be black.”

No she doesn’t!

This is no better that wearing blackface. Because no matter what your life experience is, no white person knows what it’s like to face bigotry on a daily basis. No white person knows what it’s like to start 50 yards back in life’s 100 yard dash. No white person knows what’s like to have to fight a justice system that’s stacked against you and no white person knows what it’s like to have someone cross the street simply because you’re walking towards them.

That’s what defines being black – having lived it every single day of your life. You can’t simply say you’re an African-American! And to co-opt the best parts of being black, without having had to endure the worst of it? I think the word for that is “opportunist.”

Yes! We should laud Ms. Dolezal’s efforts to bring about racial equality, but the great Dave Chapelle said it best. “The world’s become ridiculous! There’s a white lady posing as a black lady. There is not one thing that woman accomplished that she couldn’t have done as a white woman. There’s no reason! She just needed the braids! I don’t know what she was doing.”

Neither do I Dave.

This is the June 15, 2015 edition of Left, Right and You!

Sorry for the delay in getting the show up, but I had to get ahold of all of our Peter Frampton/McDonald concert ticket winners and that took some time. To wit, Larry and I want to thank Joe, Dennis, Charlene, and Hector for calling in and, in the spirit of SNL’s Celebrity Jeopardy, getting all of our trivia questions wrong.

We truly hope our fortunate listeners enjoy the show!

Meanwhile the Smiling Conservative and talked about a ton of local stuff so you’ll want to listen the the show for yourself. Thursday! We continue the same conversation. Until then…

Jeff and Larry2

Put Left, Right and You on your monday morning radar!

And the Smiling Conservative and I have a lot to talk about today! We’ll be covering:

  • The Heart concert in which one of us threw our underwear up on stage. I bet you can’t guess which one! And you’d be amazed how many female listeners took us up on our offer to sign body parts last night.
  • Whether Huntley paramedics should’ve have called the cops on a doctor who was only trying to help his patient. Larry and I don’t nearly agree on this one folks, but I can tell you from personal experience, there really is something in the water in Huntley!
  • Should any Elgin public officials be trying to skirt the no RV’s in your driveway law? Hint: No!
  • Time permitting, why did the Kane County Coroner just hire a press secretary? To make the Sheriff look better?

And just when you thought we couldn’t get any better, we’ll be giving away Peter Frampton/Michael McDonald Festival Park tickets again this morning.

That’s Left, Right and You, Mondays from 9 to 10 a.m. and Thursdays from 3 to 4 p.m. with the Smiling Conservative, Larry Jones, and me, the Liberal Curmudgeon, on WRMN AM1410. Trust me! We look forward to talking with you all.

This is only a rough approximation of Larry and me.

This is only a rough approximation of Larry and me.

This is the June 11, 2015 edition of Left, Right and You!

Wow! What a great show! Dave McKinney actually managed to make Larry and I look good and you all know how difficult that is! Of course Mr. McKinney is the former Sun-Times Springfield Bureau Chief and you just don’t get political insights like this from very many people.

McKinney2Thus, the Smiling Conservative and I want to thank Dave for taking the time to come on the show. We would encourage you to listen to the podcast.

Larry and I also want to offer congratulations to Bob, Valerie, and Bonnie for winning Peter Frampton/Michael McDonald tickets at Festival Park in Elgin on June 19. Thanks for calling in!

On Monday, Larry and I talk about coroners that hire press secretaries and the prevailing wage kerfuffle that’s brewing in Kane County. Until then…

It almost time for Left, Right and You!

Not only is the Smiling Conservative back in the studio today, but we have a real treat for all of you dedicated listeners! Former Sun-Time Reporter extraordinaire, Dave McKinney, will join us for the full hour today. Dave was the Sun-Times Springfield Bureau Chief for 19 years and he knows those players better than virtually anyone else!

Dave McKinney

Dave McKinney

We’ll be talking about where the stalled pension reform movement might be going and how the Speaker/Governor budget   showdown might play out.

And we might just have two or three surprises for all of you music fans!

That’s Left, Right and You, Mondays from 9 to 10 a.m. and Thursdays from 3 to 4 p.m. with the Smiling Conservative, Larry Jones, and me, the Liberal Curmudgeon, on WRMN AM1410. Trust me! You don’t wanna miss this one!

The Race to the Kane County Republican bottom is on!

A few months back, after Sheriff Don Kramer single-handedly blew a gaping $2.5 million hole in his own budget, a local politician called and asked me, “Who’s the happiest man in Kane County?” I thought about it for a while, and when I couldn’t come up with an answer, he chortled, “Rob Russell! He’s no longer the village idiot.”

Apparently unhappy with the loss of that title, Coroner Russell seems determined to get it back and he may well have succeeded. You see, I just came back from the Judicial and Public Safety Committee meeting where they announced that the Coroner had just hired a press secretary!

I mean c’mon! If the President has one… Although I will say that at least the Commander-in-Chief’s constituency is actually alive.

Rob Russell

Rob Russell

And this new hire is brought to us by the same elected official who has more trouble staying within his budget than a middle-aged Mill Creek housewife with a brand new credit card. Despite signing a document – in my presence – swearing to keep his budget flat for three years after getting an early increase, Russell has ignored that promise every step of the way.

And let’s not forget the liquefied bodies and destruction of evidence as a the result of his failing to label a light switch either

But let’s humor the Coroner for a second and consider that his 6 to 8 person office really does require the services of a press secretary… Sorry, I can’t do it because I’m laughing too bleepin’ hard.

Perhaps this new hire could field those once-every-three-month calls from the only remaining newspaper. Or they could fend off the adoring throngs that regularly besiege the Coroner’s front door. There’s always the possibility of working on the website to attract new customers – though I suppose that move could be perceived as being a wee bit morbid.

To make matter even more interesting, this hire once worked for 33rd District State Senator and former Kane County Chairman, Karen McConnaughay, in both capacities. And to put the icing on the clown cake, the Coroner didn’t even bother to show up to this morning’s meeting either.

So what I want to know is, when are Kane County Republicans finally going to stand up and stand behind all that party of fiscal sanity blather? When are they going to prove their insistent and specific conservative talking points by calling out their own for violating those precepts first?

Because, while Illinois Democrats certainly have their problems, they’re nowhere near as embarrassing as far too many Kane County Republicans clearly are.

So the race to the Kane County GOP bottom is on and not even I’m willing to place a bet on who’s gonna win this one. All I can tell you is Coroner Russell just took the lead against a guy who blew his budget in just 15 days. And that, my friends, takes real talent.

This is the June 6, 2015 edition of Left, Right and You!

Larry and I want to offer State Rep Anna Moeller a huge thank you for filling in this morning and being such a great guest! If you wanna know how the bill passage process works in Springfield, then this is the Left, Right and You for you!

moeller3We also talked about the perhaps temporary impasse between the Governor and Speaker Madigan, the importance of political compromise, and some of the good things getting done on our behalf in Springfield.

Larry should be back on Thursday when we’ll have Sun-Times reporter Dave McKinney. Dave, one of the best there is, will discuss where the pension and budget situations are likely going. Until then…