Only in Geneva!

If you recall, exactly one week ago today, thanks to the DH’s Susan Sarkauskas fine work, we discussed the City of Geneva’s absurd plan to arm the police with paintballs, cooper pellets, and bear spray in an effort to fend off our criminal coyote menace.

Of course, whenever I mention this silly scenario to friends, relatives, other law enforcement officers, or my wife, they immediately fall prone to the kind laughter that makes it impossible to continue the conversation.

If only my wife would respond to my regular humorous writing endeavors with that kind of convulsive zeal. But I digress!

Because apparently, I wasn’t nearly the only journalist to find this situation more than somewhat amusing.

Having attended the better part of the Geneva High School student lead school board candidate forum (The students did a bleepin’ better job running it than most adult sponsored events), I thought, “What the heck! I’ll head down to City Hall and catch the final vote on this coyote contemplation.”

Not only that, but it’s always fun to watch Mayor Burns, City Manager McKittrick, and Assistant City Manager Dawkins turn a variety of shades of pale whenever I walk into that room. And who’d wanna miss that amazing Alderman Maladra sneer that tends to appear whenever I do.

Being the ever observant one, as I pulled up to City Hall, I quickly noted the vast array of television cameras lined up outside council chamber entrance. Enthralled – and always being the shy one – I spoke with a number of the Chicago news personalities, especially the one from Channel 2.

camerasAnd wouldn’t you know it! They were all there because they found this police with paintballs anti-coyote initiative just as fascinating as I did! Considering the general timbre of the political debate, it’s gratifying to know I’m not nearly the only one with a genuine sense of humor these days.

Since you’re well aware of my tendency to want to educate folks, I proceeded to explain the current Geneva based entitlement epidemic and that their cameras’ appearance would have the city manager twins and mayor surrendering faster than the Italians in North Africa.

Sure enough! Once the local networks starting calling the City, which immediately threatened their insular everything is awesome in Geneva collective delusion, those city administrators and the Mayor folded faster than John McCain did on sending letters to Iran.

Suddenly the coyote resolution was bereft of any paintball, copper pellet, or bear spray mention and the original police hazing language was supplanted by wording that encouraged the citizenry to hurl rocks and golf balls instead.

Ms. McKittrick went on to explain that, despite it having been documented in writing, the city only referred to paintballs as a possibility and never really intended to use them.

The resolution, in its new form, did pass unanimously.

Then Mayor Burns, who wouldn’t know the truth if it bit him in the ass, actually got up in front of the cameras and swore there was never any previous mention of the police using paintballs, cooper pellets, or bear spray, despite all the evidence to the contrary.

Thankfully, one of that news group was smart enough to ask him for an original copy of the resolution.

So, dear friends, the bottom line is this! Despite my best attempts to have some occasional fun with my beloved City of Geneva, they once again proved that, when it comes to creating cracks in their carefully crafted façade, nobody does it better than they do.

And you really have to tip your hat to them for that!

4 thoughts on “Only in Geneva!

  1. Hmmm. How do I decide which club to use with that golf ball? I mean, if I use a nice wedge, I’ll get a good loft and maybe the ball will come down and land on the coyote’s head. Then he’ll look up and try to figure out where it came from. Or do I use a 3 wood to line-drive it into his flank? And of course this will only work if I use golf balls from Acme.

  2. Jeff you seem to have such a hard on for the city of Geneva have you ever considered running for office? You’d be amazing

    • Dude! Do I really have to explain that I write about Geneva more often because I live there? There really are a lot of “special” people out there.

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