On the superiority of Midwesterners!

You can have your east coast posers. You can keep your west coast Lebowskis. And you can certainly dispense with your silly southerners whose smarmy “charm” has always managed to elude me.

Put more simply, just give me my mellow Midwesterners every time.

When New York and their nearby ilk were faced with a recent “blizzard,” they shut everything down including the subways BEFORE the storm! Of course, that’s probably the safest that system has ever been.

What a bunch of wimps! Ah Well! Whaddaya expect from a gaggle of no-account nitwits who insist upon putting ketchup on a hotdog and eating strange forms of pizza?

Sunday's Super Bowl Shuffle 5k courtesy of the Daily Herald

Sunday’s Super Bowl Shuffle 5k courtesy of the Daily Herald

When Atlanta got hit with a mere two inches of the white stuff last winter, the entire city shut down trapping young students their school gymnasiums overnight. Oh the ignominy! Two inches! No wonder Atlanta sports teams never win any championships.

Our only solace was, considering their bizarre and annoying accents, no one could understand a bleepin’ thing they were shrieking and howling about anyway.

C’mon! What do you expect from a “culture” that embraces something called “grits” and “sweet tea?”

When a three inch December 2014 “snow storm” hit Southern California, they shut down entire sections of their highway system. Los Angelans (is that what you call ‘em?) were so terrified of the impending 30 degree low temperatures, they started preparing for the zombie apocalypse.

Low 30s! Midwesterners consider that skinny dipping weather! Perhaps we expect too much from a city that thinks smog is one of the four basic food groups and David Spade deserves a start on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Meanwhile, the heart of the Midwest got hit with anywhere from 14 to 21 inches of snow and no one blinked. It was the fifth worst blizzard in Chicago history and we just shrugged it off. The average Sunday subdivision conversation went something like this:

“Hey John! A few flurries today eh?”

“Yep. Who do you like in the Super Bowl?”

That’s it!

There was no collective freaking out, no mass rending of garments, and no lamenting our scurrilous fate at the hands of some inconsequential white stuff that occasionally falls from the winter sky.

I saw a number of runners running, four-wheel drive vehicles had no problem with the worst of it, and neighbors simply helped other neighbors quickly dispense with the white stuff. Some, to give the snow a fighting chance, armed themselves only with a shovel instead of hauling out the snow blower.

Then, despite a wee bit of wind, everything was back to normal less than 24 hours later. Public transportation was running, the roads were clear, and businesses were open. Not even O’Hare Airport completely shut down!

So here’s to those hearty Midwesterners who consistently put their fellow countrymen to shame. Though that’s clearly not setting the bar too high because the rest of you really kinda suck!

One thought on “On the superiority of Midwesterners!

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