Learn how to bleepin’ turn left!

Trust me, I understand that, way out here in these godforsaken Chicago collar counties, any kind of left turn is utterly antithetical to the shit that so many good Republicans supposedly stand for. But unless you’re gonna emulate those unfortunate UPS drivers who are eternally damned to only rotate clockwise*, every now and then the southpaw side of the street doth beckon.

leftI also understand that those newfangled dual left turn lanes, the bane of my current existence (aside from the ancillary players, that is), have greatly contributed to the already steep decline in our diminishing cultural capacity to effectively turn left.

So since I’m nothing if not magnanimous about sharing my impeccably aphoristic perspectives on life, please allow me to educate y’all as to the appropriate itinerant sinistral procedures. And we’ll start off with what you should bleeping never do!

While attempting to turn left from northbound Randall Road at Keslinger when the green arrow has already expired and you’re first in line, DO NOT SIMPLY STOP AT THE WHITE LINE and start offering a sacrifice to the traffic gods in hopes of a sudden opening or, failing that, wait for the next left-turn arrow.

That’s not how it works!

Here’s a thought! Instead, please pull your car directly into the middle of the intersection with the appropriate turn signal brightly gleaming while aiming your front wheels to the port side without quite crossing that invisible center line. The vehicle immediately behind you should summarily follow suit.

Should your karma be such that an opportunity presents itself, by all means, make your turn and be on your merry way. If the gap is as fleeting as most of them tend to be, the the second vehicle should take your place with the third now pulling up immediately behind them.

If, as is often the Randall Road case, oncoming traffic proceeds unabated, wait for the light to turn yellow, take a brief moment to be sure oncoming traffic has come to a complete halt and make your left turn as the light turns red (or shortly thereafter). The vehicle directly behind you should be following your perfect procedural footsteps.

That’s right! AT LEAST TWO VEHICLES SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE THE LEFT TURN AS THE GREEN LIGHT FADES TO ITS RED COUNTERPART.

The fact that those dastardly double left turn lanes do not allow for this course of action does not automatically render that kind of eminently reasonable conduct illegal – as so many middle-aged women obviously believe it does!

Not only is standing pat in a single left turn lane as the light turns red the work of the devil, but it impedes upon my freedom to move forward which is determinately anti-Republican. So don’t do it!

* It is UPS company policy that drivers avoid left turns unless there is absolutely no other possibility. The Mythbusters proved that practice saves both time and fuel.

10 thoughts on “Learn how to bleepin’ turn left!

  1. Sitting in the intersection waiting for the light to turn red or that traffic clears, is against the law….you are blocking the intersection. I’ve received tickets\warnings for it in the past. You are supposed to stop at the white line and wait for a clearing to turn left.

    • Martin,

      Though your input is certainly appreciated you must’ve been ticketed for some other reason or the officer had no clue because I’ve seen police cars do exactly what I just recommended. I’ve also performed that maneuver in front of police cars (I’ve been doing it for 40 years!) and I’ve never received a ticket.

      Not only that, but I just spoke with my former police chief radio partner, Larry Jones, and he completely agreed with my left turn contention!

      Jeff

      • There are many laws that cops ignore when us regular citizens break them and that they themselves break. That doesn’t mean the law isn’t being broken. I agree with basic premise that one shouldn’t generally just sit there at the line.

        And, yes they were tickets\warnings for only that. Though most likely the cop was looking for a reason to stop\search my car.

      • Martin,

        Now the using it as an excuse to stop you I completely believe, especially if you were in Geneva!

        Jeff

      • Jeff,
        It was in Davenport, IA and the cop that did it was (is) known to be a little rigid in his enforcement of the law towards kids\young adults in the west end. Was told he became Chief for a while too.

        You mean the lovely GPD would pull someone over on a pretense like that? Say it ain’t so. They seem like such nice people…at least from the 4 months I’ve now lived in Geneva.

      • Martin,

        To be fair, the GPD writes warning about 85 percent of the time because Geneva is a travel destination. It ain’t out of the goodness of their hearts.

        Given that Geneva is where white people sprang forth, if your skin is a darker hue, you probably want to be a little bit more careful. Their one black officer will likely catch on in the Kane County Sheriff’s office soon and they the GPD will be all white.

        Jeff

  2. Jeff, I do exactly what you described. BUT I think if you check it out, it actually is against the law. Also, you’re gambling a bit because if one of the cars coming straight thru the intersection is trying to beat the red and runs into you, the insurance companies (theirs and yours) will automatically assign you 70% of the fault because you were making the left turn. Yes, it happened to me. I was turning left, it should have been completely safe, the other guy wasn’t even close to the yellow, the car next to him stopped, he ran the red. But it was his word against mine, so 70% me, 30% him. But this was years ago and I still do it.

  3. BTW maybe I’ve got some UPS driver in me, because I always plan my route to avoid lefts whenever I can.

  4. You can have just as much fun with “complete the turn into the lane closest to you going in your intended direction” as found in the Rules of the Road handbook.

    • Dave, That is a very good point, but I was primarily talking about single lane left turn lanes which generally, but not always, do not engender this kind of problem.

      Jeff

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