Trust me, I understand that, way out here in these godforsaken Chicago collar counties, any kind of left turn is utterly antithetical to the shit that so many good Republicans supposedly stand for. But unless you’re gonna emulate those unfortunate UPS drivers who are eternally damned to only rotate clockwise*, every now and then the southpaw side of the street doth beckon.
I also understand that those newfangled dual left turn lanes, the bane of my current existence (aside from the ancillary players, that is), have greatly contributed to the already steep decline in our diminishing cultural capacity to effectively turn left.
So since I’m nothing if not magnanimous about sharing my impeccably aphoristic perspectives on life, please allow me to educate y’all as to the appropriate itinerant sinistral procedures. And we’ll start off with what you should bleeping never do!
While attempting to turn left from northbound Randall Road at Keslinger when the green arrow has already expired and you’re first in line, DO NOT SIMPLY STOP AT THE WHITE LINE and start offering a sacrifice to the traffic gods in hopes of a sudden opening or, failing that, wait for the next left-turn arrow.
That’s not how it works!
Here’s a thought! Instead, please pull your car directly into the middle of the intersection with the appropriate turn signal brightly gleaming while aiming your front wheels to the port side without quite crossing that invisible center line. The vehicle immediately behind you should summarily follow suit.
Should your karma be such that an opportunity presents itself, by all means, make your turn and be on your merry way. If the gap is as fleeting as most of them tend to be, the the second vehicle should take your place with the third now pulling up immediately behind them.
If, as is often the Randall Road case, oncoming traffic proceeds unabated, wait for the light to turn yellow, take a brief moment to be sure oncoming traffic has come to a complete halt and make your left turn as the light turns red (or shortly thereafter). The vehicle directly behind you should be following your perfect procedural footsteps.
That’s right! AT LEAST TWO VEHICLES SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE THE LEFT TURN AS THE GREEN LIGHT FADES TO ITS RED COUNTERPART.
The fact that those dastardly double left turn lanes do not allow for this course of action does not automatically render that kind of eminently reasonable conduct illegal – as so many middle-aged women obviously believe it does!
Not only is standing pat in a single left turn lane as the light turns red the work of the devil, but it impedes upon my freedom to move forward which is determinately anti-Republican. So don’t do it!
* It is UPS company policy that drivers avoid left turns unless there is absolutely no other possibility. The Mythbusters proved that practice saves both time and fuel.