1. As a result of those four hot wings from the previous evening, your gut wakes you up at 5:30 the next morning rumbling like Mt. Vesuvius on a bad day. Then the only thing you can think is, “Thank God I didn’t eat any kimchi.”
2. Despite years as a professional database programmer, your 15 year-old son has to help you with a computer problem. And he rolls his eyes while doing it.
3. This year’s crop of high school freshman looks a lot like a group of fourth graders on a temporary day pass.
4. Something briefly distracts you on your way to the kitchen and you have absolutely no idea why you’re in the kitchen.
5. While on the phone with an old friend, the conversation inexplicably turns to the merit of colonoscopies.
6. While on the phone with the Sheriff, you both start bragging about how well your Lisinopril is working.
7. You know the Lisinopril is working because you actually own a portable blood pressure machine.
9. Both you and your wife and you have matching leg injuries (though she got hers while trying to retract the La-Z-Boy foot rest).
10. Your hair grows faster and thicker on your ears than on your head.
11. You regularly fall asleep in your home office at 9 p.m.
12. You’re thrilled when you don’t get invited to a party.
13. You make strange and terrifying noises while retrieving an item from that lower grocery store shelf.
14. You’d rather watch Hogan’s Heroes reruns than any of the crap that passes for TV these days.
15. Your biggest recent thrill is discovering a new tea tree oil moisturizer that doesn’t make you feel like a greased pig. And you can’t wait to tell everyone.
16. You eat ibuprofen like you used to eat potato chips.
17. You see a pretty young woman and all you can think is, “does her mother know she dresses like that?”
18. The highlight of your week is going to the grocery store with your wife.
19. You snore so loudly you wake yourself up.
20. Young folks giggle in mild amusement as you tilt your head at the bizarrest of angles just so you can actually see something through your bifocals.