What’s wrong with you crazy-assed conservative white people?

Not only have you managed to elevate the art of taking offense to heretofore unseen heights, but you lack the least bit of introspective capacity it takes to finally understand just how offensive you all really are.

C’mon! Former Illinois firebrand Congressman Joe Walsh offering to have “an honest, adult conversation” on the merit of racial epithets is like Kanye West opining on modesty, Kim Kardashian extolling the virtue of virginity, or Gwyneth Paltrow lecturing on how to scrape by.  walsh2

So, once again, as the duly and self-appointed spokesperson for Caucasians everywhere, I humbly ask my longsuffering Hispanic, black, Asian, Indian, and Native American brothers and sisters to accept yet another humble and heartfelt apology on behalf of the unrepentant redneck faction of my race.

Their boundless capacity to bring untold shame upon our people continues to baffle even us.

This sordid story all started with Mr. Walsh’s WIND radio show effort to put the Washington Redskins recent team trademark loss into some sort of perspective. Joe mused, out loud, that if the word “Redskins” was so offensive, why was that term radio-friendly, but the “N,” “S”, or “C” words were not.

Apparently that’s become one of the great white philosophical questions of the day. The problem is, while I’m smart enough to use the standard abbreviations, Joe was not.

And when the station started bleeping his metaphysical meanderings, not being one to take a hint, Joe persisted in repeating those same slurs until the General Manager personally threw his ass out of the studio and suspended him indefinitely.

Then he decided that tweeting the very words that got him in trouble in the first place was a good idea. That said, I do think it’s only fair to ask him that, if you’re going to tweet racial epithets, the least you could do is spell them correctly. “Spick” is not a word.

White people! Exactly what’s it gonna take to get you to understand that you can’t use those words? And despite all your whining and bitter complaints, the fact that minorities can is more than equitable.

Please allow me to explain.

If, per George Carlin, you “happen to be black,” the job description includes being stopped by the police just for being you, being followed around stores for the same reason, being generally portrayed as thugs, being behind the economic eight-ball the day you’re born, and having white folks wonder why you can’t just snap out of 400 years of slavery.

But you can use the N-word!

Meanwhile, white folks yell at the police, store staff actually help them (unless you’re in Best Buy), we’re generally portrayed as regular folks (unless you live on the Jersey Shore), we start off with a tailwind, and we were the slave owners.

But you can’t use the N-word!

I don’t know about you, but upon a serious and lengthy consideration of those two possibilities, I think I’ll stay white. But in spite of the vast advantages Cuacasian-ness generally bestows, some conservatives can’t handle the fact that a few words are out of bounds.

So here’s my thought! If you truly believe all words should be available to all people all the time, then please prove it by walking up to your wife tonight and saying, “Hey C-word, what’s up?” Let me know when they take you out of traction.

Yes! Some minorities are racist too. But when was the last time you didn’t get a job because you were white; or you were pulled over by an Hispanic cop for driving through an Hispanic neighborhood; or a cab slowed down and passed you by; or they tried to put you on a reservation?

Isn’t watching white women try to steal rap music enough for you?

As for the word “redskins,” the reason it hasn’t yet been relegated to N, S, or C-word status is because as Chris Rock so eloquently put it:

“Nobody got it worse than the American Indian…Indians got it bad! Indians got it the worst! You know how bad Indians got it?…Bleep! I have seen a polar bear riding a bleepin’ tricycle in my lifetime, but I have never seen an American Indian family just chilling out at Red Lobster.”

And there you have it. Native Americans, who’ve generally had no political power, are starting to pull it all together and thus, “redskins” will soon join the very short list of words that white folks can’t say

While I’m OK with that, apparently some white people believe it’ll cause their cultural world to come to a screeching halt. Couldn’t we Caucasians just once admit, “Oh bleep! That whole genocide thing really was our bad. Perhaps “redskins” isn’t as flattering as we once thought it was.”

At least the Trademark office finally had the nerve to come careening into the 1970s by deeming that term to be derogatory.

If the Washington Bullets can change their name because their city became the nation’s murder capitol, then the Redskins can change their team name simply because a proud people, who’s experience at the hands of white folks almost makes slavery look palatable, find it offensive.

It’s not like they’re asking for all their land back.

And the really sad thing is, I actually had to explain all of this. Shame on Joe Walsh and all of his conservative followers.

6 thoughts on “What’s wrong with you crazy-assed conservative white people?

  1. Then how do you describe “racism” in the name of the “Blackfeet” Indians?

  2. . . Jeff . . . People do not know about the 400+ year Genocide of the indigenous people of the United States by the good christian settlers that CONQUERED the new world . . . that teeny tiny bit of information was excluded from the US history books . . . but . . . maybe 200+ million people were murdered . . Oops . . just happened to leave out one of the worlds most brutal Genocides EVER . . . .

  3. Jeff, you imply there’s only two options: everyone can use these offensive words, or the members of these groups can but no one else can. There’s a third option: NO ONE should use these words. As long as anyone can use them and it’s considered okay, these words will live on and continue to be used. Saying that it’s okay for someone to do or say something but not someone else based on race is the textbook definition of racism. Racism is wrong. Period.

  4. Jeff,

    In principle you’re absolutely correct and a lot of black folks want to permanently do away with the N-word.

    The problem is, it’s a tried and true tradition to own a slur. Gay men greet each other with the F word, women do it with the B word, the Irish call each other Micks etc… So I don’t that that’s going to change.

    Jeff

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