Please don’t laugh! As Ms. Palin would say “I have irreputable proof” so please follow along!
And it all starts with today, June 1st, a day the Illinois Family Institute says will forever live in infamy. But despite their typically wacky pronouncements, the fact that same-sex couples can finally apply for an Illinois marriage license hasn’t caused the state to summarily slide into lake Michigan.
Even the newspapers are getting in on this overzealous act, though thankfully they’re doing it from the more palatable other side of the story.
To wit, the Tribune trumpeted that wedding planners and banquet halls would soon be swimming in gay business, and my favorite reporter, Jim Fuller of the Daily Herald, wrote of the impending gay hordes destined to descend on the Kane County Clerk’s office.
But as of 10 a.m. this morning, just two gay Kane County couples had applied for a marriage license while four others showed up to convert their civil unions. All of six same-sex couples were waiting for the DuPage County Clerk to open their doors.
It’s hardly the stuff of romance novels.
So I can’t help but think, had these over-exuberant news folks looked into the local 2013 civil union stats, perhaps they would’ve realized what I’ve known all along – gay folks aren’t getting married.
For example, last year, just 31 same-sex duos tied the civil union knot in the County of Kane. When you consider we average 3,000 heterosexual marriages per year and 10 percent of the population is gay, that means same-sex couples opt for connubial bliss 90 percent less often than their straight counterparts.
And that’s the real news here. Social conservatives are getting their knickers in a twist over something that happens about as often as they get a paycheck.
Please also note that virtually every happily pictured same-sex newspaper couple consists of two women. And I’m convinced the origin of this non-heterosexual wedding-ophobia, especially among gay males, is the result of being forced to watch just how well it’s worked out for us for decades.
C’mon! If marriage is so bleeping great, how come 50 percent of men are willing to risk half their stuff just to get out of it? Nelson Mandela successfully navigated more than thirty years in a South African prison, but when he got out, he couldn’t handle his wife.
In what can only be described as a cruel irony, humans are the only species where the female gets the fancy plumage. And once they’ve used those wiles to con us into buying a diamond (what the heck does the guy get?), the second we say “I do,” they put on 30 pounds and decide that sex is optional.
You can’t buy our own clothes, you can forget about going out with the guys, you can’t sit down for a second, you have to listen to their incessant nagging about toilet seats or something, and the list of marital rules is even longer than that Obamacare statute.
But they only spring those unilateral edicts on you after you violate one of them because it would be no fun to give you any advance warning. There’s a good reason all those TV commercial husbands are depicted as hapless buffoons.
But Jeff! Studies show married men are happier and live longer! Right! The only reason our wives keep us alive at all is because they want to continue the torture for as long as they possibly can. It gives their twisted lives meaning.
Animals live longer in captivity too, but you’ve never seen a happy tiger at the zoo now, have you!
As far as those surveys go, we wouldn’t dare check off any option other than the one indicating how thrilled we are to have a wife for fear she’d find out and we’d be celibate forever. Once a year on your birthday is still better than nothing at all.
Gay men have figured out that straight married men are the equivalent of hostages praying for the SWAT Team to come in and rescue them. And if they accidentally shoot us in the head in the process, we’re OK with that too.
So here’s to my gay sisters, and especially my gay brothers, who were smart enough to uncover what we discovered far too late. Ah well! Aside from all the tequila, TV and “yes dears,” I suppose the best we can do now is live vicariously through them (or hope for the silent treatment).
What this also means is conservatives can finally stand down from Defcon 4. Wanting a right and availing yourself of that right are two entirely different things. Only 35 percent of Americans actually own a gun and gay folks simply aren’t getting married.
Oh crap, my wife’s coming and if she ever sees this…