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May 11, 2014 / jeffnward

Marriage classes? Please call me professor!

One of my favorite local politicians recently noted she wasn’t exactly looking forward to her “marriage preparation classes.” And while I can certainly understand her trepidation, if you’re determined the road to connubial bliss begins with a Roman Catholic proceeding, then ya gotta go.

It’s yet another fascinating facet of church doctrine in that you get to listen to a priest preach about what it’s like to be married even though it’s a lot like attending Lindsay Lohan’s driving school. weddedbliss

Thankfully, this former Catholic managed to avoid those lengthy lessons by getting married in a Lutheran Church. And the sad truth is, there’s no amount of schooling that could’ve prepared my wife for a lifetime of me.

I sometimes wonder if the mere fact my betrothed chose me should’ve automatically disqualified her from consideration. But I digress.

Despite my vast array of strange peccadilloes and always interesting behavior, with the marital odds stacked against “normal” couples, we’re still somehow together! And if I can pull that off, trust me, you can too!

So let’s get started!

1. Repeat the phrase “Yes dear!” as often as humanly possible.

Why would any husband with half a brain choose to get into an argument with his wife? It’s just as futile as going one on one with Blackhawk great Patrick Kane. You’re already on his medium, you’re only gonna end up bruised and bloody, and if by some stroke of luck, you do score a goal, it only makes him madder.

To wit, on those rare occasions in which a husband actually wins an inter-spousal debate, there won’t be any kind of trophy. No! Your reward will be basking in the glory of three weeks of celibacy.

So why take any chances when those two magical words will almost always do the trick. You don’t even have to listen to a word she’s shouting. Simply nod your head while saying “yes dear!” and you’ll be fine.

Executed properly, those two words are the closest thing to a miracle this earthly existence provides.

2. Always have a spousal emergency backup plan.

Since nothing in life is 100 percent, on those semi-rare occasions where you really step in it and “yes dear!” won’t work, you have to have an emergency backup plan.

What situations might require a more than a “yes dear!” effort you ask? Oh! That’s easy.

  • Telling your wife those jeans really do make her butt look fat
  • Offhandedly remarking that her younger sister looks kind of hot
  • Leaving the toilet seat up so she falls in at 3 a.m.
  • Shushing her during the Blackhawks game, and
  • Forgetting your anniversary, mother’s day, Valentines day, her birthday, or the anniversary of your first date etc…

With a box of chocolates hidden in the back of that basement freezer and a bottle of wine stashed away in your underwear drawer (she’ll never look there), take these small, but effective steps while gauging her reaction as you go down the list.

C’mon! There’s no point in wasting that bottle of wine if the candy will do the trick. Tell her:

  1. “My you look lovely today, dear!” She’ll probably see right through it, but it can’t hurt. It’s like asking the judge for a directed verdict. You know it’s never going to happen, but you may as well give it a shot.
  2. “I am sorry for whatever I did dear, please forgive me for my caddish nature.” The cool thing is, you don’t even have to understand your particular transgression to apologize for it!
  3. But if your wife catches on to the whole fake apology thing and asks you to explain why she’s upset, or worse yet, her feelings, then try this; “Here dear! I bought you a nice box of chocolates!”
  4. Again, having measured her reaction to the candy, you may have to fall back on the almost always reliable, “And here’s a lovely bottle of wine to wash down the chocolates, dear!”

If for some strange reasons she’s still mad at you, then offer to provide that foot rub you’ve been promising  for the last decade. Odds are, the wine will put her in such good spirits she won’t remember the foot rub – or whatever you did to aggravate the crap out of her in the first place.

3. An ounce of prevention…

I’d encourage you to use this tactic if, like me, you’re utterly amazed any woman would actually say “I do” in your presence, or, you simply want to build up some marriage capital before the other shoe eventually falls.

Do a load of laundry every now and then. I know! I know! You’re afraid if she realizes you know how to use the washer, you’ll be doing the laundry forever. Not to fear my masculine compatriots! Don’t be too obvious about it, but if you put her new pink pants in with her underwear, she’ll be touched you made the effort, but you’ll never be allowed to go near the Maytag again.

Cook a meal every now and then. Again, she’ll note you can work the stove, but you’ll immediately be relieved of that duty when the chicken comes out looking like something like a giant raisin.

And this strategy can be used on any number of tasks generally relegated to your wife. Make the effort, feign incompetence, and you’re well on your way to wedded bliss. Again, if someone of my ill manner can stay happily married for 23 years by following this simple plan, then we hapless males could collectively put divorce attorneys out of business if we simply put our minds to it.

So who’s signing up for my class?

2 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. The Observer / May 11 2014 10:36 am

    Why women live longer than men:

    They’re not married to women.

    (At least they weren’t, before 2010)

  2. jeffnward / May 11 2014 10:41 am

    LOL!

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