Ladies! Please Put the SUV Down and Walk Away

Listen up ladies! I’ve had just about enough of your insistently escalating collective superior attitude. Why, this creeping cultural feminine phenomenon has gotten so bad that we unassuming males can’t even turn on the TV without being immediately insulted.

There’s the hopelessly, hapless husbands (Everybody Loves Raymond), the singularly stupid single males (Two and a Half Men), the insane incompetent idiots (How I Met Your Mother) and when they’re not screwing up, they’re screwing around like rutting pigs (Madmen).

And the dumb dads with determined darling daughter commercials, too numerous to mention here, are even worse.  suv2

But despite the average romance novel’s depiction of our gender as beer guzzling, crotch scratching, toilet seat up leaving, despicable and generally clueless cads, you women have one tragic flaw that surpasses them all. Because the saddest sight anyone could ever hope to see in this existence is a middle-aged white woman attempting to drive an SUV.

It’s not unlike watching a 30 pound cat trying to get in through the 10 pound doggie door!

Despite what you all clearly think, the average sports utility vehicle does not come close to the robust dimensions of an M1 Abrams tank. To wit, your absurd Escalade is not 35 feet wide which means you don’t have to drive right down the middle of the street and sorta pull for every oncoming vehicle to pass you.

And then you have the nerve to say that men have a difficult time when it comes to measuring things.

Then there’s this one! While there may be separate semi speed limits on metropolitan highways, I have yet to see suburban signage requiring SUVs to do 15 miles below the posted limit. It’s not a Metra train ladies! Having owned a couple of these mildly larger vehicles myself, I can unequivocally say they actucally stop pretty quickly.

Let me tell ya, there’s nothing quite like getting behind one of you doing 30 mph down Route 38 while gingerly applying your makeup.

If it’s gas mileage you’re worried about, then you probably shouldn’t have purchased a Ford Explorer to begin with.

Since we’re on the subject of momentum and brakes, will someone please explain the need for distaff SUV drivers to slow to a five mph crawl in order to execute a simple right turn. Perhaps there’s been a spate a of sport utility vehicle rollovers that only get reported on Oprah.  suv

And the only thing worse than everything I’ve already described, is watching a woman park an SUV in a crowded grocery store parking lot. My God! I haven’t seen that much maneuvering since Chris Christie denied closing a bridge and the term “collateral damage” takes on a whole new and far more frightening meaning.

Then you somehow mange to take up five separate parking spaces. I’m thinking reality show!

Of course, since most women can’t bear the though of just one moment of silence, this is all made much worse by the fact that these SUV challenged drivers inevitably have a cell phone plastered to their ear.

So here’s my thought! Let’s round up about two hundred forty-something suburban female sports utility vehicle drivers, give ‘em free cell phones and unlimited minutes, and airdrop them directly into Afghanistan. That oughtta bring the Taliban to their knees in one short week.

Ladies, please do us all a favor; put the SUV down and just walk away. Is it really that much to ask you to consider our feelings for once? I’ve even heard that altruistic acts are their own reward. Perhaps a stylish Mini Cooper is much your speed.

As for me, I’m statin’ to think the Saudis had the right idea all along. I think I’ll go leave the toilet seat up.

2 thoughts on “Ladies! Please Put the SUV Down and Walk Away

  1. . . . I would like to see at least one qualifier question that ALL candidates HAVE to answer . . And . . I’ll make it a simple multiple guess question . . . .

    The world is . . .

    A) less than 10,000 years old
    B) 4.54 Billion years old . .

    WINGNUT or Valid candidate . . .

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