Don we now our fun apparel?

I’m not sure which is worse! Hallmark’s utter capitulation into rightwing political correctness or the fact they’re bleepin’ marketing a bleepin’ Christmas ornament the bleepin’ day after Halloween. No matter how you shake it, it’s two crimes against humanity with the latter being far worse than the former.

Yes! In their infinite pasty white bread wisdom, the folks who love to put the exclamation point on Hallmark Controversial Ornamentthose special moments did just that! Their latest Christmas tree concoction consists of a tiny multi-colored sweater emblazoned with the lyric, “Don we now our fun apparel.”

“Fun” apparel?

I supposed in one sense they’re right. No self-respecting gay male would ever be caught dead in such garish garb. And if those brilliant Hallmark wordsmiths had quickly countered their critics with that sentiment, perhaps they could’ve gotten away with it. But no! Here’s their official semi-apologetic statement.

“We’ve been surprised at the wide range of reactions expressed about the change of lyrics on this ornament and we’re sorry to have caused so much concern,” a spokesperson said, “We never intend to offend or make political statements with our products, and in hindsight, we realize we shouldn’t have changed the lyrics on the ornament.”

Surprised? Really? A working Affordable Care Act website may be a surprise, but soliciting some serious pushback by abridging the lyrics of a 147 year-old Christmas carol while insulting gay people everywhere in the process certainly isn’t.

Apparently Hallmark doesn’t believe in marketing consultants or focus groups. C’mon! There are a plurality of people who go bleepin’ nuts if you’re foolish enough to wish ‘em a cheery happy holidays.

It’s that whole war on Christmas thing. You know, taking offense at the Wal Mart greeter’s greeting while you trample small children at 3 a.m. on Black Friday in a mad dash to buy that trendy new toy made from the sweat of Chinese slave labor.

That’s the real meaning of Christmas!

All that said, I do have to hand it to Hallmark because it takes real talent to completely hork off both the right and left at the very same time. I thought I was the only one who could do it.

Here’s the bottom line folks. If most of the straight males I’ve run into were smart enough to actually don their “gay” apparel (and shave and shower on a regular basis), perhaps their wives would be a bit more willing to put down that insipid copy of Fifty Shades of Gray and make the effort to wear matching socks worth their while.

“Don we now our fun apparel!” What’s next, Chest-family-Jewels Roasting on a Open Fire?

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